Inspiring series/anime: Rising Impact

Note to self: Anime series Rising Impact was pretty good

Reminded me:
1. I love the thrill of competition, but more so the drive, the preparation, the unwavering focus that it brings out in everyone.
2. I miss having a drive. I miss having the purpose that made every action, every break, everything I did more meaningful. Taking a break is only fun and worth it when I have done something meaningful.
3. I hate being distracted all the time. I hate not finishing something that I start. I hate being someone who does not follow through. Unfortunately, it is an issue borne out of both ADHD and not being disciplined enough. I want to do so much, but I just don't have the follow through or the drive that turns normal people into achievers.
4. Sadly, all of the above means I have brought myself down to a slacker. I am barely meeting the standards and am failing more than I am succeeding.

Sit Rep 12th Dec 2024

Sit Rep: I hate talking about things before they are done, yet the world either expects things to be done as soon as they are ideated, or the fact that I procrastinate so much, I know my completion rate is abysmal which led to the SOP to develop through repeated failures.

To be fair, I just need to be better at execution, as currently I am at an all time productivity low, which is bad, even for an ADHD brain like me.

Today, in my meeting with the Director, I was told to be more outgoing and share results with my manager and him more often. I don't disagree that talking helps, but I also don't agree that we should talk about everything that we have got cooking.

I know it is not the most glamourous route to actually grind it out, but I hope to hold steadfast in my belief that in the end, consistent hard work is the only tool that I have which will lead to success since I do not have any natural talent to offer in any area.

Thoughts from Chandigarh Trip (09.12.24)

Hello Alice! It's been a while since I actually had the voices in my head speak to me in a manner that encourages me to write them down. Maybe it is just that I am not disciplined enough, maybe I got too complacent with my situation but one thing is clear, I have slipped far too much. I was never good enough but at least I was putting in the right effort. Currently, that has evapourated.

I do ask myself sometimes why am I not doing enough. The simplest answer that I can find is that the people pleaser in me is always vigilant around family members, going the extra mile and being at their service, too drained afterwards to actually find the time to do something meaningful.

I am currently attending the wedding of Tarun. I hate weddings no doubt. In general I have no interest in being a part of weddings, but since my track record had always been that I am more of a rainy day person, I am going out of my way to even it out. However, it does go against every fibre of my being. Every moment in a social gathering, unless I find the right person to talk to feels like a chore. I just want to get out.

However, I also do know that talking to people helps get me out of my head and put a fresh perspective on everything. Yesterday, I ended up talking to a colleague of Tarun's from IITB. Our shared interest was engineering and machine design and it served as a a wake up call. People who are doers just do things. They don't wait around or hope things fall into their lap. People who are smart (which he was in this case) just see things from a different perspective, a perspective created through relentless study and push to understand everything around them and the system in focus. They do not leave a stone unturned or assume anything. They get it done.

These past few weeks, I have just been serving others or wasting my time whenever I get any. I am becoming dumb and choosing to doom scroll over learning. Furthermore, even when I do get down to studies, I am just aimless and do not have a plan which in turn leads to not having enough motivation to follow through.

What happened to me Alice? Is this all I will ever be? Mediocre? Will I never be able to break the pattern and do something meaningful with myself?

Sit Rep: Things are messed up

It's back Alice!

Complacency's back...oh how I did not miss thee yet it has creeped back in my life, slowly and surely. A simple measure of me just being aimless and not proactive in giving direction to my day is the fact that I haven't blogged in over a month.

P.S: Note that 31st Nov was a pretty happy day because of the news from my sis.

Update from 3rd Dec: I messed up today. Again. With the data. I feel so pissed at myself for time and again making the same mistake of not QC'ing the numbers correctly.

I am so stupid. I don't deserve to be here, or anywhere for that matter. I keep F***ing up. People around me are smart and I just can't get the basics correct.

I have been slacking off. Royally. I haven't actually moved ahead towards my goals only further behind.

I am wasting time, doom scrolling, mind numbing binging.

I suck.

On the passing of a Great

Mr. Shantanu Naidu, posted on the death of his mentor:

"...Grief is the price we pay for love"

Why do we spend our lives running away from things Alice?

PSA: Get a grip

A simple indicator of my control over my ADHD levels is how impatient I am when I am doing something. Maintaining concentration on an activity for long periods of time is something I was never able to do. 

On a good day I can get through a 30 minute session without getting majorly distracted. Currently, this has gone down to 15 minutes. I would like to blame none other than myself for this. For the past few months I have slipped and let go of the basics. Instead, I forgot that unlike others, or maybe exactly like them, I need to remind myself of the little behavioural traits for the muscle memory to not fade away.

Everyday I am anxious and trying to do too many things and end up getting nothing done. I need to arrest this slide and fast.

Key message to myself: You can't do everything. Stop trying to run in 500 different directions. Say no. Prioritize. Focus on the one area in that one thing and keep drilling down on it. If it doesn't interest you, move on. But once you know that you can tolerate it, don't quit it. Keep at it. 5 years. 10 years. Find the area that will be worth it and just dig down and keep at it.

Discipline. Discipline. Remember the plan. Don't skip the basics. Keep making small progress but don't let go of the little things. Fundamentals and the building blocks don't change. Read more. Drill down. Dig deeper. Ask the right questions. Understand first, talk later. Don't cut people off. Observe, don't retort. Read. Level up. Know more. 

What does it mean to be a dreamer?

What it means to be a dreamer?

Yes, I know the irony in the statement. I say I would like to work independently but I very well know, proven through data that I am bad at getting anythign done when there is no deadline. I need a goal, I need a reason to function or do anything.

But, despite the contradiction, after a gruelling day of work where there is a tight deadline or a steep learning curve (best days are those wherein I have to learn something new as well as interesting), when I sit back, I feel satisfied. Satisfied that the day was justified. That I have earned the right to be in the place I am, which is only because of luck and the people around me. I am baffled at how average I am and how entitled I am. Entitled, not in an arrogant way, but in a way of getting opportunities that others do not get.

A dreamer. Cool weather. A good view outside, be it sloping landscapes or overlooking lush greenery or overlooking the rest of the city from the window of a tall building. Having hope. Hope that I can improve.

Things that will probably never come to fruition

It should be a three part effort.

21P227: The life and musings of a person who never fit in

1. The struggles of an ADHD and contradictory information on overcoming it (spoiler alert: I couldn't)

2. How childhood struggles shaped my personality and dealing with anxiety

3. A convoluted love life

The focus should also be on how I deflect my faults and shortcomings to the point that I am willing to forego friendships just to escape being confronted about my behaviour or god forbid, have to work on anything on myself.

Trip back home: 11th Sept to 29th Sept 2024

 Lights out Alice! The following is compiled notes from my first trip back home after a short weekend in March. 

What does it feel like to be back? Has the feeling changed?

• My life still consists of the same things - running, sitting still, being bored; mundane for most but for me, there is calm, peace and quiet - essentially when one feels safe enough to let down their guards and isn't constantly worried about the future, a job, or one's ability to do it well all the time
• There is always that nagging feeling aka anxiety when I am outstation whether I am doing enough and that I have let off the gas. This doesn't go away and although this is not the best feeling in the world, it is good to have an assessment done time and again to figure out what my weaknesses and growth areas are. 
• I am barely able to deal with all the internal alarm bells to have the energy to channel towards creative pursuits in Gurgaon - writing used to be something I procrastinated because I never felt at peace in that uptown place in Gurgaon but there was this level of peace and calm in Mumbai as well but Mumbai sadly lacked job satisfaction which means Gurgaon is still the better option because of the professional front

I have written time and again of the chaotic harmony that is Liluah and especially the place that I live in. On one end is the hustle and bustle of the main road and parallel to it runs the now slowly derelict but once magnificent Railway colony, of ancient British architecture and wide open spaces, lined with trees and massive buildings, each adorned with their own playing ground. I know not of a fonder memory than growing up playing in these playgrounds. I vividly remember the rains, the puddles that used to form next to the tamarind trees at the gate, the truck carrying the Durga idol getting stuck there at night. Along came another truck to rescue the first one, while people gathered and tried all measures to help the first truck free itself. All this while the rain came pelting down and kids gathered from different buildings to watch the melee.

Noted at the time of leaving: 

As usual, leaving evokes a lot of emotions. After the initial rebellion against the way things are done here is over (it is just a different system and way of doing things; I was incorrectly seeing one being better than the other) I settled down and started to remember why I used to love Kol

Living here reminds me to focus on the essential and how one needs very little materialistic things to actually survive

Just my parents, the people who have done so much for me and the few good friends who have been around for so long.

I always felt that pressure to dress to a certain level and maintain certain "airs" around me in Delhi, less so in Mumbai. Nothing of the sort here. Discount the home and comfort effect. Fitting in is easier. Maybe because I have grown up here. More likely because I have very little interest in pretending.

The serene localities next to the hustle and bustle, this mix along with the grounded-ness of the people.

Don't forget having guiding lights. Parents might not have the best relationship between them but they are great role models. They make me strive to raise myself to a higher standard and get closer to their good habits.

The sense of calm or the lack of artificial urgency towards earning more. Kol pushes me to have pursuits that go beyond just earning more or bragging rights. It pushes me to think deeper, to look deeper, to introspect and solve the bigger problems and rise above the trivial ones.

Traffic is a mess, roads are narrow, lanes are overcrowded, job opportunities are limited, way or working is nuanced but the intellect is something that shines through. Kol has a lot of diligent and smart people, something that holds great attraction for me

This time I was slipping from my goals though. I was slipping from my routine and habits. The balance between work, parents and working out was something I was unable to establish and the recent fallout from NTC has resulted in lack of calisthenics as well. I need to get back to the grind and stop with the excuses

Having parents around is also a simple reminder to focus on the right things. We are all going to die. People who love us and care for us are not going to be around forever. Regardless of how much we grind and force meaning in our lives through our work life, I don't think that I can ever make a dent, mostly because I am below average in most regards (intellect primarily) and also because I lack the gumption and discipline.

My dad was a superstar in his office. His work ethic and knowledge levels were unsurpassed and people would come from far and wide to get his opinion. Post retirement, all I see is a person who is a relic of his former self. No, it is not because he has lost purpose. Or maybe it is, I don't know. But regardless of what has driven this, seeing my dad wither is irrefutable proof that *insert word for being forgotten* is bound to happen. 

Life goes on. The world moves on. What we do, especially for people who are greats, but only in a relatively small sphere of influence, doesn't really matter. 

Maybe, time will teach me that the above is incorrect. Maybe life happens in moments and even if we touch 1 life for the better, it is enough.

But the bigger question is why do I need to want to make a difference? Isn't being a good person and being there for family enough? If it isn't, then why is earning more a better yardstick, especially at the expense of family?

Alternatively, what is the point if we are all going to wither and die. I haven't found the right person yet and it is unlikely that I will. Further, I have no intention of ending up in a relationship for the sake of it. In short, I am bound to be lonely and devoid of that L word. Wouldn't it make sense in that case to earn enough to travel and fill that gaping hole of longing by numbing myself of feeling through travels and adventures? Nothing lasts, as I found out quickly during my tenure at Cipla that travelling without a purpose quickly wore me down.

I definitely know that I love the sheen of anything new and interesting. Anything that is previously unknown to me catches my fancy. Being the ADHD I am, I go into hyperfocus trying to decipher the field/thing. As soon as I see that I have reached the point where the learning rate is mediocre or low, I loose all interest. Slight hiccups cause major introspection. I get bored. I begin to question everything. I make new plans. Search for new things to do. Areas to learn about. Innovations to work on. Once 5-10 things are shortlisted, I set to work on a medium to long term plan to align with these new areas. How and where I can see myself. No previous memory of the five hundred times I would have repeated the same patterns. No previous memory of the last time I cleared the slate to align myself with my latest obsession and how I would spend the next five years working on it.

Fickle minded does not even begin to cover my ADHD. What sucks is that I start with such gusto. I make detailed plans. I have good ideas. I have reasonable ambitions in alignment with my intellect and ability. Yet, I lose all steam in the middle and give in as soon as the shine wears off. Sad. Hopefully I can change my habits but unless I remind myself to prioritize and stick to it, it is never going to happen  

Key message to myself: You can't do everything. Stop trying to run in 500 different directions. Say no. Prioritize. Focus on the one area in that one thing and keep drilling down on it. If it doesn't interest you, move on. But once you know that you can tolerate it, don't quit it. Keep at it. 5 years. 10 years. Find the area that will be worth it and just dig down and keep at it.

Discipline. Discipline. Remember the plan. Don't skip the basics. Keep making small progress but don't let go of the little things. Fundamentals and the building blocks don't change. Read more. Drill down. Dig deeper. Ask the right questions. Understand first, talk later. Don't cut people off. Observe, don't retort. Read. Level up. Know more. 

29.09.24 night update: 

Everything is a choice. Life is curated and not handed to us. Yes, there are decisions beyond our control but by and large it is upto us how go respond. It feels good to be wanted (ref to EY interest) but in the end it is just noise as the question that needs answering is whether it is the right thing for me.  I can work harder, give all my time and more to my job but at what cost? 

More money? Sadly, there is never enough of it. There is always a higher goal to climb. Stability and security is more important. 

What if I earn all that I think I need...what happens then? How much time I have lost with people that I care about? No, I am not advocating for not having ambition or drive, but this relentless pursuit comes at a cost, a cost which we mist be aware that we are bearing

Kids really need very little from their parents. I was proud of my dad for his knowledge and acumen, but I wouldn't want him to be away all the time in that pursuit, regardless of the pride I would have felt. We have grown up to realize that our parents didn't become rich and "it would be easier if we had *more* money", but I disagree with this notion. My parents never made me feel poor or lacking. I got the toys the notebooks and the fancy stationery, just not the fanciest ones or at the frequency where it is opulence. My dad never made me feel like I had any less when it came to supporting my ambition through college on failed startup and ventures. He supported me, not JUST through money, but more importantly through wisdom, encouragement to go out there, try, experiment, see the world, learn and fail.

Kids will remember their parents for the experience they share with them, for the world they travel together and the things they learn along the way. Life skills. Hard truths. Harsh realities. Grit. Perseverance. Not throwing money at a problem and if that is their takeaway, they are being brought up with the wrong value system.

I am getting complacent

Lights out Alice!

Two things I wanted to touch upon:

1. I have gotten complacent. I haven't been in a tough spot in a week and I already feel like my ability to handle pain has drastically reduced. According to me,  the anticipation of the pain is worse than the pain itself. The fact that I am in a very cocooned space ensures that I am barely keeping up the minimum routine. The body forgets pretty quickly.

2. In the end, I sit there, alone, picking up the pieces. Ever the people pleaser, I drain myself to help others and just feel sapped. People have left. There are ones who are staying but only under special circumstances. It is all a house of cards.

I am, at peace, when by myself. I do not crave any unnecessary social interaction. However, after a gap, there does come some amount of urge to go out there and interact, which is quickly followed by regret while simultaneously reminding myself of anything else that I could do that would be better than this, which turns out to be almost anything by myself.

Another realization, which has been there for quite a while, is the fact that I only function optimally when I am under a deadline. I waste a lot of time, especially dawdling around "thinking and researching" the optimal way to present the answer, which, after wasting all the time, I end up going with the first answer anyways. 

I seriously lack self control, discipline and the will power to see anything through. I need to keep reminding myself of the basics, yet I keep failing at them time and again.

Will this battle ever stop Alice?

Basics to remember

Lights out Alice!

For a while now I have been focusing on the wrong things and wasting my time on the wrong people to the extend that I have forgotten myself and things I need to do to get better over time. Failing at this really hurts me more than anything but hey, there is still time to pick up the pieces and start again. I don't mind falling as long as I get to start again and make progress. Never giving up is the point and I get pissed at myself if I am not trying.

Here are simple rules that Pages 168 and 171 of Robert Greene's Laws of Human Nature remind us to keep in mind:

From your past:

• Remember what you have liked or disliked as a kid and while growing up
• What really feeds yours soul and what drains it
• What makes you you

With the future:

• Filter activities and choices according to what you ACTUALLY like/dislike
• Align everything with your long term goal
• Don't do things that have no positive impact on your long term
• Remember to be grateful and lean onto people/ things that matter

Stop:

• Reacting to people and their shortsightedness
• Getting angry and losing your cool
• Getting frustrated - nothing is ever in your control anyways

Lights out Alice!

Am I really that eccentric?

Lights out Alice!

I have had to go out and interact with people a lot these past few weeks which has left me drained and barely able to put up a social veil that covers the otherwise crass nature of my behaviour. Without that veil, the world is unable to process the directness of my response, labelling it as "rude" and "eccentric".

Side note, what's ironic is that after a while, I feel like going out and doing things (meeting people would be the last resort) but as soon as I have to meet people, I regret is instantly and vehemently, to the point that I would swear off against making any such plans in the future only to repeat the cycle after a few weeks.

Unfortunately, I had to go out to meet a friend today as well. I really hated the idea, but being the people pleaser I am, I was unable to say no since the person had asked last weekend as well and I had declined abruptly. What I cannot fathom, is that in general societal norms friends are just expected to "hang out". Yes, I don't mind not having a set agenda with PPD or people of similar level, but not anyone. Even with PPD we generally have a headlining goal, however trivial it might be. We both work with a schedule and an optimising goal, the best part being that both of us will try to fit in our plans while trying to fool the other that it is in the best interest of the group overall and not just their plans.

Coincidentally, both my sister and this person (208) brought up the "other half" issue. 208 told I am eccentric and it would take a lot for anyone to adjust to my "controlling" nature. My sister was more restrained in her advice and brought up the fact that whoever that person is has to gel with at least the immediate family and more than anything understand me on a level better than anyone else (or at least at PPD's). Given the over-analyzer that I am, the subtext was that SB did not seem like a good fit.

I have been used by people. A lot. It is sort of a given if you are a people pleaser but I take it to the extreme because I shun attention overtly while passively doing grand gestures which go above and beyond normal expectation, but only with the little things. Does it mean I am to blame for being used? Yes, but also no. Everyone who has hurt me knows what they were doing and just get taken aback when they see me finally have enough and stand up to leave. I shouldn't have set the wrong standard in the first place according to them. I agree to an extent. But that doesn't make their actions right.

It sucks to be rejected or used. All said and done, everyone of these people left. Now, some of these are definitely justified, if not all of them, but a 100% rejection rate cannot all be just hard luck. It sucks to be left standing broken after all this time.

There is no denying I am not a run of the mill person. I do have eccentric views and tendencies that are far from normal, however one person's normal is another's weird.

But am I not meant to find anyone? I have always been of the opinion that I don't really need need another person, but it would be nice to feel loved and accepted for what I am. I know idealists would love to chime in and claim that this expectation is the bare minimum, but I have been far too broken to expect anything more than the bread crumbs that some offer. Or alternatively, as 225 mentioned, I push people away or their offers of affection. But isn't this something most people do? When they are going through a hard time, I try my best for them and keep trying even when they hurl abuses at me or chide me, but I cannot expect the same even though I don't denigrate them(well I do, but that's on a different tangent)? 

I can justify both expecting less and wanting more, just that my overthinking brain isn't quite sure as to which side of the argument to fall onto. Hopefully everything falls into place, enough to make sense, Alice!

I now know what I don't want

Lights out Alice!

A lot of shit went down in the past month, starting off with the Bangalore trip and culminating in a good understanding of where I stand on relationships.

Bangalore was an impulse move, no doubt, one fueled by the narrow frame of thought one gets into when it is hammered the same shit again and again, not unlike how a person would feel in a prison or any scenario detached from the outer world.

I did what I should not have done (or thought through more), even though I have done it in the past, as this time the person didn't change their ways. Other times they haven't as well, but now I cannot cut off as the cat cannot be put back in the bag.

The situation or predicament, I should say, I am in, warrants a level of delicateness that my natural uncouth nature is unable to provide. 

The dominos that started to fall because of Bangalore led to the situation where I had to be in the uncomfortable position of delicately explaining what her visit to Gurgaon and staying with me for over a week would mean, or what it wouldn't mean. We still aren't a thing, but to the same effect, we still aren't not not a thing. The bread-crumbing force remains strong on this one. Lines were crossed, mutually, I might add for everyone's benefit, and on my end mostly for data analysis purposes.

Lest we forget, there were altercations, loud and violent ones, majorly stemming from mistrust brought on by a misunderstanding of my explanation or the realization of the casual manner in which I lie to get out of a pickle. I am no holier than thou, but hopefully not as sleazy as I repeatedly found myself being painted.

The worst collateral from all this was an increased strain in the relationship with my sister. She wasn't ready to understand my point of view, mainly because I didn't offer a very good explanation of what all this was but also because she isn't very high on talking about feelings. She just dismisses me when I trying to have a heartfelt conversation by crude remarks. "Oh, you are such a girl." "Grow up and be a man".

Coming to the point, what I mainly took away from the data gathering process was that I am what I claim to be, but since I claim to be different personas in different shades, I don't know if the composite I have created is reflective of the true picture. I am not majorly drawn by conventional forces aka physical features, not to the point that it would be a great decision making contributor. I am also not really into the societal niceties, mostly because I think they are a colossal waste of time. I have gone to great length for the other person, lines that I didn't know I was willing to cross and relationships I didn't know I was ready to strain. However, nothing seems to be enough for the other person. Moreover, the basic fact that I am an introvert and love my peace and solitude a bit too much didn't help the entire equation, especially when looking at it from a long term lens. I don't think there is a future there, but I know that I can't see another person in pain and if that requires that action from my end, I see myself going out there and doing that. 

I know it is a shitty reason to commit to something holy and it is a recipe for disaster, but hey ho, I am just keeping my fingers crossed that it does not come to that or that I find the courage to put up or shut up.

Been a while Alice. Sorry for not being more regular with my updates! 

Empath or turtle hiding in its shell?

Lights out Alice!

I have self-labelled myself as an empath, but there are days that I just want to ask whether is it really a bleeding heart or a more nuanced and evolved way of staying in a familiar pattern and known feeling of being sad so that I don't have to worry about being happy just for it to be snatched away without notice.

I currently find myself in a situation where there is a holding pattern that has enough push and pull element in it to keep me empathetic while feeling sad in a second hand fashion as well as helpless enough, on account of it not being an easy situation to deal with, that makes me keep coming back for more.

On multiple occasions I have found myself questioning why I am back inside the eye of the whirlpool again but just like any other addict and of the multitude of addictions in my life, I crawl back like a soldier to the source of the misery. 

No, this is not to say that the person or the circumstance is particularly bad or wrong. It is just that I feel too much to not be over invested which then leads to hurt which then leads to withdrawal which then gets the other party to question change in stance which then gets me to think over my actions which then gets me to question whether I am over reacting to a situation which then gets me to think if my emotions or feelings matter in this situation given the other person's peril which then gets me to think of the original objectives which did not include my feelings in the mix which should remain the north star all the time but by this time the other person has dropped a bread crumb seeing me repress myself and entices me just enough to get me to come back in the loop, mainly by talking about the pain.

I don't think I will ever get out of this loop Alice!

It's that day again

Lights out Alice!

Another revolution around the sun has been completed since I was born. I have never been much of a birthday person, or a person who celebrates things (just the small irrelevant ones or for others), but I do get scared easily. Especially, when things have been going my way for a small time now. 

To be fair, I am scared shitless. Life is pretty great in terms of things to do and things that are not going wrong. I know, it sounds like the beginning of a bad omen, but more importantly, I have been so used to things not being okay in my life that when there is a small stretch of time when there is no SHIT ON FIRE, I feel anxious and overwhelmed, unable to enjoy the moment, just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

However, I have been trying to placate myself by telling that things, when they have to go wrong, WILL MOST DEFINITELY GO WRONG, in the most glorious of ways. Hence, there is no point worrying. However, the next worry that comes is that I have gone soft and would not know how to live a life in tougher circumstance. 

I hate the fact that I do not have a struggle right now, when there is sadness and strife all around me. People are working twice as hard, if not more and have ten times worse luck. 

I AM PRETTY LUCKY. I am lucky to have my parents, currently in good health, my elder sister, who is also doing well for herself and in general things are going good. Again, this SCARES me. I know it is inevitable that things will turn and there will be complications down the line, but till that turn arrives, it is just anxiety all the way. As was rightly said, the anticipation of the pain is ALWAYS worse than the pain itself.  The creeping doubt, whether I will be able to handle it, whether it will be worth it, whether I am going too soft and not pushing hard enough and hence slowly wilting away. 

I do not want to get complacent, but I know for a fact that I have. This is mainly because I am no longer chasing. It is harder to maintain something than to get to that point. Just ask Mercedes F1 team. We all slip. We all fall down. The pain is when you know you are at a peak and there is going to be an inevitable trough regardless of what you do.

Summary of the best bits that I read in the last week:

• Distractions are aplenty
• You need to know what you want to build for - remove everything else
• Your work today needs to be on what you want to see in 3 years' time...not for today...hence if you think you are doing fine today, that is because you are reaping benefits from the work done a couple of years back. Sitting back and relaxing means you are not investing in your tomorrow
• WHY would you ever stop learning and growing? Why give into distraction?
• ASK yourself why are you putting your time and effort into any activity! Is this help you build anything? Is this for money? Is this because you are interested? Is this a hobby or are you just recharging? There are no other buckets and if an activity does not fall inside the above, it is not worth your time

I really need to start working on my next...now that I have some cushion, what do I want to build upon? Just because I have the luxury does not mean that I can afford the complacency.

I hope I wake up soon Alice!

Last day

Lights out Alice!

It is my last day here at Cipla. My team doesn't really care and that's fine, it wasn't a happy relationship in the first place which turned sour when I dropped my papers. A few people did feel sad for a bit and that's more than I could ever hope for and that's more than what I need.

I wasn't really feeling anything as my body went into the default mode blocking any emotion whatsoever. However, listening to MPS and TS about how they would miss me (even if it is 1% true) did make me question if I was blocking emotions or actually not feeling anything.

I will miss this place for what it stood. I will miss a few people, definitely, but just like with any other place, I like the routines I create and the mundane. The trees, the paths, the walks, the routes I take, a cool gust of breeze on a warm day, sip of a good cup of tea after a hectic session.

I will also miss MS and all that it could be. I am still a bit sore about it and probably will be for a while.

But, what I actually wanted to write about was: Being unchained and unattached to any job at the moment, since Cipla has ended and the new one| hasn't started yet, I could immediately feel a sense of relief. That somehow that the pile of dirt that was clogging the pipeline of ideas was flushed open. That there was nothing weighing me down. There lay endless possibilities on the horizon and I could choose to pursue anything that I could set my mind into.

Why do I get tired in a corporate scenario?

How did I run out if ideas?

I used to be good at thinking, whatever happened to that?

I used to push the room to be better, now I am just drained and tired of everything. I am tired of the bureaucracy and redundancy present in corporate. Feels like I am decaying and immediately becoming irrelevant.

I used to be good, now I am just barely hanging on.

Unable to process feedback correctly

Lights out Alice!

The saying, " Being in a relationship will force you to introspect and ask the hard questions on your quirks and ill-behaviour patterns", is pretty apt. As a person who regularly isolates and does not engage with people, it is only expected that after a while my ability to spot the error in my ways reduces. It is as simple as becoming accustomed to one's behaviour and a testament to a human's ability to adapt, although in this case it has a detrimental effect.

Therefore, regardless of how much I loathe being in constant communication with people who are not super duper insanely close with me, it does help in making me understand where I am wrong.

Newsflash, I suck in a lot of places. The biggest one that was brought up today was how there is a differential standard that I draw up when it comes to making jokes. When I make a joke using somebody's past data that they shared with me, that is fine by me and I expect them to be understanding about it and take it in their stride, but when they do the same, I get immediately "pissed off" about it and demand that they stop it immediately and refrain from using the same in the future.

That's pretty messed up.

What is it about travelling?

Lights out Alice!

Context for the post: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhPsL43-j90

 - Overland travel documentary through Patagonia

What is it with people and the need for an escape?

What is it about nature and mountains that immediately humbles my brain and calms me down. Is it the humongous size of it? Is it the fact that nothing we do can even come close and nature can wipe us all down in a second? We run around in our world thinking what we do is important. So much of our lives are formed by the stories we tell ourselves in our head as to how and why we need to be whatever we are and what we need to pursue/achieve in life. These are all constructions of our head. Nature is a reminder that in the end we are as memorable as fallen leaves. Nobody cares and nothing really matters.

I am a shitter

Lights out Alice!

A mark of a true shitter, which in this case is me, is the inability to take feedback or accept mistakes. The instant reaction of recoiling or shutting off as soon as someone says anything less than ideal about you.

I am ashamed of reacting in a similar way. I used to mask that under the statement, "Did I come to you asking for your opinion, or did you come to me?..." But that's shitty because I generally push people away anyways and not having an interaction on my own accord leads to the false belief that I have worked on my issues enough to iron them out. NO you dumb piece of shit, you just buried it deep enough and never stirred it.

• Immediate disgust when someone says anything negative about me
• Inability to actually listen to people when they give feedback and immediately trying to find loops in their argument and find ways to prove how I am right
• Not really listening to them and discounting their opinion because they came to me and not vice versa. On the other hand, I would put a different set of argument for people I would approach because there I would try to sell the story to myself that they are just piling on because I came to them for help and I am allowed to disagree with their opinion
• Remembering back to the UKD incident last week when everyone was gathered here in Sweena, I tried to pile on my way of understanding onto UKD, dismissing his fears and beliefs as trivial. That was shitty of me. Additionally, I had no right to tell him what his beliefs should be.

One big pattern that is emerging in all of this is the fact that I tend to give unsolicited opinions on a situation and then assert that my understanding of the situation, through my pattern analysis, regardless of how biased it might be, replete with incomplete and incorrect data, is the right interpretation of a situation.

Time and again, I push people away. The proof of my shallowness is in the fact that I am greatly offended if people know any detail of my life or talk about me. "Who gave them a right to talk about me?.." is my usual justification in my head whereas on the flip side I turn and bring obscure details people's personal life in a discussion to justify how their pattern of behaviour is incorrect.

Truth to be told, I also have a case to make about the fact that I do not go and ask for people to tell me details. Frankly, I would like to believe that I want to stay away from people. But that would be incorrect. I like my personal space and time, but I have been conditioned among people for far too long to go beyond a few days without any human interaction. Who knows, the first few weeks might be difficult, but hopefully I can adapt to that.

More than anything, all of this is ensuring that I have taken my eyes off the ball. I have slipped and am barely hanging on to my dear routine, let alone getting shit done. It doesn't take a lot for me to fall apart at the seams, it seems.

I truly suck Alice!

Back in that space again...

Lights out Alice!

A lot of people interaction has been draining me these days. Given that it is hard for me to set boundaries given that I am a people pleaser by default and my availability is a given, it can and has gotten a bit straining these days. 

Instead of showing irritability, which has been a natural response for me in these situations previously, I decided to cut off and take a break. The shit part is that my brain keeps going back and forth in an anxious loop telling that I am letting others down and that if I do not reply instantly to their messages or their requests to rant, I will be a bad person.

To add to these, slow days cause the most amount of stress to me. They make me feel like I am wasting my time, which I do, but it just keeps on piling up in my head. I work only when there are deadlines and working on things and basics with no clear outcome is something that my brain straight up rejects. My ADHD peaks at this moment leading to unparalleled levels of procrastination while being acutely aware of every passing second, all the while doing nothing about it. I do not know how to convey it in a manner that actually gets the severity of the situation across, but it is the most mentally taxing of days. When I have tons of work or lot of calculation or even a tight deadline, that's when I am at a normal state of mind.

Yes, I have read enough self-help books to know that having homeostasis on a mentally heightened state is not a good thing to have. I am trying to work on it. I am trying to talk to myself to remind myself that in the end it is all futile. Our prof in the Marketing department at MDI recently passed away. He must have been good. He must have been super enthused about his work. At some point in time he must have been good at research and academically acing everything. But just like everything else, that time passed as well. 

I keep thinking that I have been a disappointment. I need to do this or achieve that or get to a particular intelligence level or execute an idea successfully to prove my mettle. But the brass tack is that I am nothing more than another average human who has nothing of significance to contribute to this planet and all the stories of greatness and achievement that I keep concocting are just that. STORIES. LIES told to my self to tell myself that I am not useless. 

But I know, I am, Alice!

Repeating patterns

 Lights out Alice!

This is mostly a rant. I read a few days back that we generally reinforce our behaviour and bad traits through repetition. We claim we do not have the capability to change since every time we sub-consciously work towards ensuring that we fail in a similar manner thereby reinforcing what we want to believe. I do not know if it comes across as remotely believable but on most days it is a fight against my own brain, trying to calm it down enough to get working on something while not bored enough to doze off from whatever was supposed to be done. It is not unlike trying to get a mischievous five year old kid to do their homework, just that in this case, the kid is your brain and the person trying to control it is also you. The game is rigged and on most days you lose. 

Any small ripples of change in the daily work creates large ripples and upheaval in the routine and productivity flow that takes ages to restore. It is very hard to get consistency, even harder to stick to any sort of plan/target/goal, especially when one is not under any duress.

This sucks. I know on some days I am happy with the ability to create mental models, but this repeated inability to achieve daily targets, some of which I have been trying to meet for over a decade is pretty frustrating.

I am a failure Alice!

What does it mean to Travel? (Indore edition)

Lights out Alice!

Being constantly on the move comes with an obvious downside. When you have to stand still, it becomes nearly unbearable. Having travelled a lot in the past quarter as part of my job, the biggest takeaway I had was that throughout the stretch of intense travel, it mostly felt hollow with specs of good memories in between. 

For example, there wasn't a standout portion of the journey to Indore, just the same old airport transfer to the hotel at midnight, a run of the mill high class hotel with fancy furniture and excess pillows, the view outside the window was below expectations and the schedule hectic. 

The visit to Chappan gali where there was a lot of street food was ruined by the fact that I wasn't in the right head or stomach space and the fried food didn't appeal to me anyways. 

The job that I was there for made it worse since I had no active role to play, just a standby observer at best, which added to my frustration. Moreover, the entire occasion seemed superficial, which, to be fair, is the nature of sales. But when compounded with other factors, it was becoming a bit too much for me to stomach.

Coming to the point: What I wanted to talk about when I thought of writing this blog is that I had recently gotten into an argument with SB about what it means to travel. She is currently touring USA and was excitedly recounting how the place is awesome and it has made all the difference to her recently spate of tough months she has been going through. I definitely understand and feel for her and mostly acknowledge that I should not have been the killjoy I was in the moment. I replied and argued that It wasn't the location that made the difference but the people she was sharing it with. This came from the personal observation that I had made because the different fancy locations that I have travelled solo gave me a different (mostly less, sometimes more) experience from when I have travelled with good company/people I care about versus when travelling with company I couldn't care less about.

Which also ties up pretty well with my Indore point. I didn't like the state of mind I was in, I didn't like the circumstances, but the fact that it was a place I had never visited before piqued my curiosity and ensured that I was busy soaking it all in. I liked the general atmosphere, the copious amounts of religious places, mostly because I finally got to visit the place that holds a lot of good memories for the rest of my family who had been here around a decade ago and I couldn't join them back then. More to my point, the city was nice because I had already formed a rose tinted image of it in my head because of the memories that my parents and sister had in this place. While crossing a place that I could recount from the many occasions my mother would have mentioned it, I was filled with joy and couldn't wait to call and tell them all about it. 

A simple memory or a connection making an innocuous temple or a street engraved as a marvellous experience. It is all in my head I guess.

Lights out Alice!

Musings from a Web series

A gentleman in Moscow 

From the opening episode, minute thirty:

It is the business of time to change, Mr. Halecki,

and for gentlemen to change with them...

Oh what lines with deep meaning! I always felt that there was a certain class that everyone resonates with and I was no exception. Elegance and high society etiquettes does draw me in with its personality

Noting down my broad thoughts:

• I am drawn to things with class, something that separates
• However, the divide that being a noble or person with any stature implicitly demands is something that does not sit well with me. In the end, we are all people, (not all are humans or humane) and hence I do not see the point of demanding respect just because one is more fortunate or gifted than another. Not sure that I even identify with communism or the term per se, because I inherently also understand the realities of society and how greed and power is enmeshed with the very core of being for most and is not easy to detach from them. 
• Hence, therein lies a conflict, a conflict of identity and more so the hypocrisy that follows. I want the best of both worlds, while being inherently superior, I want to also be seen as an equal and would always side with the underdog. I am pretty ashamed that I would want the easy way out and hence try to also tell myself that it is okay to have a principle and ideology, but it should not be hypocritical and self-serving. Yes, people want more and that is how society works, but I neither have to stoop so low nor raise myself through tactics to the point they have to look up to address me.
• In the end, we are all going to wither and die. More than death, the fear is that of being forgotten or useless to society, to the point wherein I have to be reduced to a mere spectator as the world toils towards greatness. I know I am not smart or good at anything and haven't really achieved much, but the thought that everyday I have the power to change and do something about it is what keeps me going. If that knowledge was taken away from me, I don't know if I would be able to get up in the morning or go to sleep at night. 
• It then begs the question whether I am infusing my identity with my work and whether that is even a good thing. I do not have an answer for this with enough certainty as I am still deliberating and collecting evidence on this front. For now, temporary findings do state that it is not a wise decision to reduce my being to my work and not have a holistic contribution. A lot was done for me, a lot of things went my way and I have been downright lucky to have met the people I have met and the opportunities that were presented to me. But work in a corporate life has no start, no end and for all the clamouring of our bosses or the collective goal, there is very little point to it all, except to make money. 
• Very little these days goes towards making things better. Most companies, their products, their services and even their workforce is designed or aimed at making the rich and fortunate richer and even more well off. For example, an agri-tech startup might sound like a person interested in making things better for our farmers, but in reality it is more of a concerted attempt at bridging the digital and technological gap in our value chain which can then be harvested for profits.
• In the last year that I have been part of the corporate workforce, I have been clamouring on how work has given me little to no satisfaction, no purpose and no greater meaning that I can get behind. I then go-on to question myself and my stance on this by countering and asking myself what I really think I want to do. I scamper for an answer I truly believe in. I don't think I have the cajones or the brain power required to usher in a new reality. I don't think I have the appetite to be a leader of the people, mostly because I detest against the perils of drinking from the chalice of power and am scared of leading other people on an incorrect path. To be fair, to be a leader you have to be able to live with the fact that you will make mistakes, mistakes that can have great consequences on the lives of the people you lead. 

Never being good enough

Lights out Alice!

I know I am repeating myself here, mainly because I can't shake off the feeling as well. It is true, I will never be good enough. The reason for this will not be the fact that I wasn't talented enough, which I am not, or I did not have enough resources, I do, but the simple fact that I am not doing enough. I am not working hard enough in proportion to the resources that have been put behind me, the amount of good luck that has come my way and the number of awesome people and parents that have guided me and supported me in my whims and fancies.

No, I am not trying to JUST show gratitude, but also jotting down  a bit of a harsh reality. I haven't done enough, I still haven't shaken off my bad habits and I haven't worked my butt off enough to even come in the same stratosphere of consideration of the awesome people I have had the good fortune of meeting every step of the way. Be it the relentless focus and tenacity coupled with brain power of Raj or the sheer combination of excellent physical ability and mental prowess of Anurag, who came from a smaller city to a new and intimidating atmosphere of our school but was unshaken in his resolve to reach his dream. He aced the boards and then also cleared the armed forces officers' exam, all while holding down various posts in school, something that would have definitely wasted his time more often than not. Sheer respect and admiration for the guy for keeping his eyes on the prize. Next in college, I was definitely inspired by Prashant, simply for his simplicity while being extremely talented and countless others in my class, who, despite lacking interest in Mechanical, would be just so damn good at it. I would always be in awe of their ability to just simply understand (or mug up) things which would be difficult for me to grasp, only exacerbated by my inability to focus.

Then came the people I met through Baja and Enduro Student India. The talent at display just left me awe-struck. Starting from that simple primer session on Nuts and Bolt to the sheer level of brilliance that was radiating from IITB team members. Mahek, Mudit and the rest of the team just looked like people from an anime and just displayed immense intelligence to the point that they had an aura around them. I was just happy to be in their midst and hopefully grow into something better.

Alas, all I ever did was manage a barely okay level. I haven't been able to shake off my bad habits and have barely improved on my weaknesses, especially when all these people have found new ways and avenues to grow and reach the next level.

I am pissed off at myself for slacking off and not being good enough. But that's the difference between them and me. They take action and grow, I just write words on a paper (digital) and never follow it up with anything concrete.

I am sorry that you have to listen to me Alice!

There is no flow state, just the constant strife to get there

Lights out Alice!

The moment is almost ominous, and the signs that lead to the actual ominous sign are just as dangerous. The moment we think that we are getting it somewhat together is always a moment that I know is the sign of the beginning of an end. How much does this mindset of mine contribute towards creating such a downfall, that is yet to be determined, but it does make a significant sub-conscious contribution, not different to a novice driver veering towards the obstacle on the road instead of away from it.

More to the point, there has never been a flow state, just the constant struggle to get there and the moment you think you are doing better than you have been for a while, things start unravelling.

The most frustrating part of all this is that I feel like an outsider while things are falling apart. Witnessing my brain actively concoct situations that would ensure that I do anything but the thing that I am supposed to do in that moment.

It takes me back to something that SR had mentioned off-hand during one of our late night conversations..."You are doing great because you are able to hold onto a job...". Here I am, almost six months down the line, on the verge of changing jobs, disappointed at myself for not being able to stick it out here. This has now shot up to become my top fear as I am scared that my ADHD habits coupled with my inability to just fake survive anything for the sake of a job will again lead me to become impatient and make the situation so untenable that I will be left with no other option.

I question every move I make. Some normies try to label it as overthinking. I prefer to call it "covering my bases" or "holding myself up to the same level of scrutiny". The latest round of "scrutiny" begs the question whether I did all I could to rectify the situation that had festered itself at my current job. I counter this by claiming that it was never a long term fit. The counter to this counter comes with the statement that I did not get the "Data Science" job that I could have. Although, other than the title, I have no clue what that would entail or even what this current job entails. I guess I have to stick it out, regardless of how good or boring it is. Sadly, I am not sure I have what it takes and that I have too much restlessness in me to survive a unsatisfactory corporate career. Historically, be it MSIL, LTCEL, SSEP and now CIPLA, I have gotten bored everywhere and what's worse is that when I am bored, I end up ruffling more feathers and getting on the bad side of people around me by being irksome.

I have time to work on my long term, to figure out how to get better, but NO, my brain would rather vile away time because it just does not work without any pressure or deadline. It keeps throwing up "lack of a concrete purpose or pain" error. I have to complete a course that would ensure that I am starting off the next job on a good stead. Instead, my brain would rather sabotage me first and then work overtime at the last moment that which it could have done without panicking from the beginning.

The shitty thing is that I am cognitively and acutely aware of all this and yet I do not take steps to correct it or do the thing that I am supposed to do. It is worse than trying to herd ants. I keep thinking of people who have been able to perform in life when they needed to and get themselves to sit down and work towards a goal, regardless of external pressures.

I guess that's why I will never be good enough Alice!

My meeting with Sir Paul: 2023 Edition

Lights out Alice!

Tuesdays with Morrie was an inspirational book for me. Sir Paul was an inspirational teacher who moulded me into who I am by instilling in me the values and the ability to learn that showed me the way in life. I owe a lot to him and decided to pay him a visit in Kochi on my way back from Gurgaon after finishing my masters. The plan was to have a whirlwind trip wherein I would land on an afternoon, spend the evening and the next day and catch a flight back to Kolkata the next night. I planned on just having a conversation with him without putting any pressure of expectation on either side.

It was definitely a bit awkward as well, not just because of the fact that I am an introvert but also that after all these years we would not have a lot to talk about, or so I thought. Given the overthinker I am, I definitely thought of a multitude of scenarios and conversation starters in an effort to not run of out of content and also allow him to be able to relate and talk freely.

Evening walk around the oldage home

Making me feel at ease by carrying the bulk of the conversation

Dinner with family - son was awkward and everyone else other than sir was not able to comprehend WHY

Next morning, again, sir was pretty chill and hindsight does beg me to question whether it was just me creating that awkwardness in my head

Interaction with ma'am...ma'am being angry at sir - sir wanting me to skip touchy subjects through eye gestures - ma'am creche - hearing her out

Sir made tea, I had lunch - homely meal

He took me to a supermarket. I listened and enjoyed while he showed me around. I don't know whether he was just being a gracious host, but I was just happy to be in his midst and seeing him engaging himself in his retirement.

P.S: Pretty narcissitic of me to think that a conversation like this is charity on my end..not everything is done from my pov

It's actually my mistake : Retrospective SB Edition

Lights out Alice!

Ref: when it ended with SB...that late night last call

She was right yesterday. These are the broad strokes points that I am way off base:

• I am too caught up in my emotions that I have become selfish to the point wherein all I want is the positive outcome without considering if the other person would be happy with it or not
• I am dismissing all "points of dissimilarity" as something I can work on and improve. I am pushing my agenda too hard and being inconsiderate of the other person. HOW THE HELL CAN I FORGET THAT. She is also a human being. Why am I not taking her into account when forming this equation? How can I be so blatantly stupid to think that I am the only one that matters here? How can I be so IDIOTICALLY foolish to think that it is only MY problem...THAT was definitely insulting the other person in the equation
• If the other person is clearly indicating to close the book, why am I bloody forcing my opinion and not taking the NO for an answer. Why am I still looking for hope when there isn't any? 
• 
  

Running on excuses or running out of excuses?

 Lights out Alice!

Oh, it is my pattern. Oh, it is just how I am. I want to be better, but I keep falling back into bad habit loops and negative patterns.

That's just the talk I have with myself on most days about why I deviated from the plan I had made for myself. Social media these days is awash with symptoms of ADHD and why ADHD is a major issue and how neurodivergent people are different and it is harder for them to function normally.

To begin with, I feel vindicated, that I am not alone in this feeling, that there are others out there that find executing daily tasks and maintaining a routine more difficult than solving differential equations. 

However, I am immediately sceptical about knowing this information. I know I am ADHD and I have been one for a while and I know my behavioural patterns (not doing what I am supposed to be doing and writing this blog is one of those). I am just not sure how everyone out there suddenly seems to be ADHD as well, especially because the symptoms and behavioural traits of an ADHD are eerily indistinguishable from a person who is plain PROCRASTINATING and NOT GETTING SHIT DONE. This is exactly where it goes wrong and I do not appreciate the flood of information out there on ADHDers because I know my brain. It will take this as validation of how it is "more difficult" for me to stay on course than "normal people" and begin being even more useless. My procrastinating levels will go through the roof and I will be unable to defend myself from the pushback that it is "so tough being an ADHD" everyday. 

GET ON WITH IT. Yes, you. Regardless of being ADHD or not. Moreso if you are an ADHD because you know that you cannot even give an inch to that primal brain of yours lest your productivity levels immediately bottom out to zero. All that progress in getting yourself to get out of bad habits, adapting good ones, doing the things that have been on the pending list for decades, immediately lost. The struggle is real, because just wallowing about the struggle is another way you are giving your stupid brain an opportunity to focus on anything but the thing it is supposed to be focusing on.

P.S: This kind of internal debate is pretty common for me and what goes on in my head every other minute, which is why I know what I am, regardless of social media diagnosis and I also know what I need to do to protect myself from information overload to ensure that I am functioning within acceptable levels, however I can, because in the end, nobody is coming to save me or give me a longer leash just because my operating parameters are different.

It's all cool Alice!

We are all prisoners anyways...

Lights out Alice!

The ADHD that I am, can't really seem to get anything done unless I have five other non-priority tasks in my list that I prioritize over the one thing I definitely need to get done. Which is why I get a bit of reading, a bit of writing et cetera done when I am supposed to get the work done.

Page 170, Om Swami, A fistful of wisdom:

Anything second hand cannot be knowledge; it is merely information. When we use that information and arrive at a conclusion based on our own experience, that is knowledge. 

The primary difference between the prisoner and the pet is the degree of surrender. Being a pet of your own home (intellectual discovery) is far better than being a captive of someone else's belief system.

Lights out Alice!

I just hate it...

I just hate a lot of it Alice!

The fake smiles, the fake platitudes, the fake conversation to pry out information to be used against a person.

Why is it such a big deal to disagree? Why can't we be comfortable with working with people with differegt belief systems and opinions? Don't all the books teach against having an echo chamber for a team and yet everywhere I see instances of leaders migrating towards people who resonate with their belief systems or act in a manner not akin to their personality.

Maybe I do not understand the game well enough. Maybe I do not understand people well enough. Maybe I am looking at it in through a narcissistic lens and am unable to see the objective point of view.

They say time teaches everything but I believe that the only thing that happens through passage of time is conformity. We stop asking questions and start building narratives and explanations as to why things are the way they are. 

This is where young people/ people who have not been exposed to the system before come in. Especially the ones who do not shy away from iterating things as they see it. They call out the flaws and are not swayed by the window dressings or "you will not understand but this is how corporate works".

WHY? 

Industry is not a person or a being. Every company or person at any point in time has the ability to stop and question why things have reached a point where there are a slew of processes to get anything done where there need not be one. Corporate structure and heirarchy seems to be designed to ensure glacial movement of ideas and subdugation of anything innovate through systemically designed pass-the-baton approvals.

But hey Alice, what do I know. I am just the lowest guy in my totem pole who doesn't know anything so obviously I am going to crib right.

Is anybody there?

Lights out Alice!

It has been a while since I came here to pen my thoughts. No, the veracity and the velocity of my thoughts have not decreased although, the quality has definitely taken a hit. No, I would not use being busy as an excuse because it is just that, an excuse. I wile away enough time throughout any given day to be able to spare quarter of an hour to center myself and pen down my thoughts.

Yes, the fact that I know that my thoughts are not unique and whatever I may be going through is something that is not massively different from what any other person goes through saps some of the motivation. Deep down, we all want to contribute meaningfully to the world, but the reality is that only some of us get that privilege and it has to be earned, either by going navigating through difficult circumstance or being observant enough to understand nuances in every situation. I am neither. 

Coming to the brass tacks, where am I right now? I was sort of grounded in February, with the only trip coming over the weekend in Hyderabad, personal in nature, to meet with Satya and brainstorm about EVs. The month of March is crazy with the amount of travel- 4th -7th Kochi, 10-14th - Jaipur, 14-16th Indore, 17-19th Bhubaneshwar, 26-28th Kochi, 28-30th - Chennai. For all this travel, I don't seem to be enthused by it at all. Mostly because there is a lot of turmoil on my professional front with boundless uncertainty as to what my role is. My department is filled with people who are trying to cross each other and micro manage and hence the environment is not great to work in. I don't want to be pushy, for fear of repercussions, but it is leaving me doing nothing meaningful, which is detrimental to my career. It is a sub-optimal situation that I am still trying to navigate through since there is no clear answer as to what is the right solution.

On people front, I need to improve my ability to interact with people in my first meeting. I generally have seen that I am pretty shy, to the point of looking rude, in the first few meetings. Inadvertently, I am generally gathering data on what the other person is like, their behavioural traits, what they like and what they dislike so I can curate the right personality to appeal to them. I know it sounds very shallow and superficial, but to be fair, I think most humans do this sub-consciously. I am just slower and more aware of my actions, although I am in no way trying to absolve myself or justifying this behaviour. This is definitely an area I need to work and improve upon.

A note to self: Robin Williams edition

Lights out Alice!

Youtube's recommendation engine led me to Robin Williams compilation but what is rekindled in me is a love for chasing greatness, but not the socially accepted version of it, but a version that is defined by our own metrics and self.

For the past two weeks, I have been living with my elder sister, who has always been a rock and an inspiration for me, someone who has blazed a trail her entire life and inspired me to try to get to even 10% of her achievements level. She faced odds head first, in a way shielded me from them, all while maintaining a smile on her face. 

Post masters, given the boundlessness of corporate life and the lack of direction or directive, I have felt a bit lost. But I have also found that I no longer agree with conventional wisdom on what success should be.

Movie review: Mast Mein Rehne Ka

Key takeaway:

• Never stop loving or living.
  
• We seriously need to remind ourselves of why we are slaving so much. Who is all this for? If we don't show up for family, what is the point?
• Love. Unconditionally. Unabashedly. Life has too many rules written by people because of their own experience. That does not have to be you. You may end up agreeing with most of them, but that doesn't mean that you have to start out by accepting them blindly. Blaze you own trail. Be open. To people. Their opinions. New thoughts processes. New ways of thinking.

What do I relate to? (Into the wild movie bits as well)

Lights out Alice!

Yesterday I had to witness a party and a bunch of loud folks. Not out of choice, but because I was sharing the same roof and the loud folks were the guests who became rowdier as the night passed and spirits flowed. I had thought that these moments of feeling out of place was behind me post the MBA era where loud music, late night booze and incredulous shrieking at odd intervals was the norm.

All the time I questioned myself - felt such a sinking feeling- that I could never be able to even fake it when others around me either enjoy such a setting or fake it well enough for people to not be able to sus it out

Led to immense self doubt and questions whether I even belong with the company of people or whether I should just try to resign to my fate that I am not meant to find anybody and obviously have to learn to be all alone. 

The next morning this feeling of unproductive waste of time was compounded by sitting around people who like to sit around and take it slow - I don't know how to - or I just know my way and I am too rigid with it

I turned to watch the movie  "Into the wild" - and just the trailer was enough to resonate with me - the feeling of escape - adventure - being out in the open - away from the shackles of phones and social media - just being in the moment

People these days tell me to enjoy - but I don't think they are themselves enjoying - or just that they haven't experienced this state of slow enjoyment and all they know is constant stimulation through social media

It was so disheartening to see - kids as small as 4.5 and 6 yrs - addicted to their phone - immediately crying when internet froze - stuck in an endless loop of scrolling -already addicted- I shudder to think how they will grow up and think past time is supposed to be

Why do people not want to be closer to nature - to experience serendipity - to just see the leaves rustle and count the number of branches in a tree above a certain level?

Why is it not the norm to live by a code - not those made popular by general society for the benefit of a few - but a code that each person personally believes in?

Why do we have to be attached to things? Why is there no end to wanting? 

Why is just taking a bus to nowhere not more common?

Been struggling a bit

Lights out Alice!

For a while now, there was enough chaos in my life to mask the fact that I struggle with completing basic tasks and keeping focus on any particular thing for any significant amount of time. As long as there is overwhelming amount of things to do in a day, failure to complete a specific goal because of an inability to focus on a task becomes a non-issue. Moreover, when there are too many tasks, it allows for context switching, where I end up switching between tasks every 5-10 minutes, which makes me feel like I am working on everything but actually end up making zero real progress in each.

All of this is nothing new. It has been there since childhood and my parents did really well in ensuring that I stayed on track and got some things done. The feelings at the start of this blog were definitely helped by the fact that I had been a failure on most counts and hence that nagging feeling of not living up to my potential never really went away.

The situation right now is different, a sort of limbo, the in-between. I am not necessarily a failure on all counts, but definitely nothing more than another body in the professional world. Just another guy. Having followed the same path that million others do. Doing the same mundane things that lakhs do. No differentiating factor. No specialised skills. No goal towards which I am progressing. Just decaying. Slowly and surely withering into the shadows of the great corporate overlord. The burden of maintaining this menial job because of responsibilities is sapping any confidence in my abilities that I might have had (or bravado).

Looking for direction is one thing, but what I am doing is using it as an excuse to allow for my procrastination to come creeping in and break habits that I had struggled to create. I have become complacent. I have stopped pushing. I have stopped wanting. That hunger. That desire. That burning fire that makes you walk a mile when you do not have any energy left. 

For years, there has always been that voice in my head telling me that I am a disappointment. Now, there is a new voice keeps asking me WHY. Why am I running all the time? What am I afraid of? Why am I so hell bent on making an impact? Why am I living in this delusion that a menial corporate job will ever make an impact? Moreover, DOES IT EVEN MATTER? At 60, when one retires, if I am still there then, what will matter to me and what will make me proud? Do I need to figure it all out now or should I just keep going and eventually will reach somewhere?

The competing voices have a very important conundrum that I need to address soon. Is it okay to slow down or should I keep pushing? Is it okay to take the time to figure out my version of things and what I want instead of following accepted answers that is readymade? Does that imply that my answer should be different or will I be willing to reach the same conclusion as society would have already given me, just slower than others and later than others?

Am I pushing myself to expand my thinking and horizons enough? Am I listening to people enough? Am I keeping myself open to other POV enough? Why am I so impatient? Why am I so closed off? Why do I have this undying need to do everything from scratch and reach the same conclusion that was already presented to me in the first place? Does this stem from a place of trying to prove myself better or trying to be sure? Is this a control issue or is it due diligence?

The bigger worry that I have, is how do I go about finding answers to these questions? What is the trusted source? How do I determine that the source is free of bias and explaining it in the right context?

Lights out Alice!

On growth

Lights out Alice!

A poem from the book Have a little Faith resonated quite a bit and I felt like noting it here. Page 176.

I walked a mile with Pleasure;

She chatted all the way;

But left me none the wiser

For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow,

And ne'er a word said she;

But, oh! The things I learned from her,

When Sorrow walked with me.

- Robert Browning Hamilton

What scares me currently Alice, is the fact that I have grown too complacent and ignorant, to the point where while having little to no knowledge on a subject, I claim to have beginner or even intermediate level understanding on it. The job is mundane and all over the place. Most of it is redundant and menial labour. Very rarely does it require use of a brain or any amount of thinking at all.

Every day I am losing track. Losing focus. Losing that mental acuity. I have become so lost in this vast open savannah of professional life that I am unable to move because I don't know which direction to head into. On one side, too many directions catch my fancy, be it data, analysis, operations or marketing analytics or even just plain brand marketing. On the other hand, I don't trust my gut because it is looking at it from an outside in perspective and would be equally unhappy if I put in the effort to get there and actually do.

This paralysis to begin is compounded by the fact that I know I will never be even remotely close to being good enough in any field, not even in the same hemisphere as the top mathematicians in the field. It hurts to know that I am not that good, but the procrastination that prevents me from putting the effort exponentially compounds the anguish.

I hope I get back on the right rack soon Alice!

What if?

Lights out Alice!

Regardless of what I may claim outwardly, I would never want to accept that I would never be able to contribute anything significant to the world, in metrics of my choice. Rationally, my mind would obviously reason with me that I should know that I would never amount to anything. But to accept it, to actually accept it and see your potential or effort wither away is a scary proposition beyond belief.

I still haven't figured out what I really want. I haven't been putting in the right effort or even testing out the right areas to get an answer as to what is suitable or what isn't. I have been procrastinating through a veil called planning and figuring out first before acting. The truth is that none of it is a given anyways. It takes time and doing. A lot of time and a lot of things before we stumble onto what is truly meant for us. 

The horrifying thought is that in the pretext of planning and trying to figure it out, I would have lost my chance, that my procrastination would be the cause that would lead me to amount to nothing.

Will I never be good enough Alice?

State of affairs and Series review: Tiny beautiful things (2023)

Lights out Alice!

After Afterlife, there were very few series that captured my imagination of the pain that goes on in the world as a way to remind myself that there are people out there suffering from real problems and that I am just wallowing over trivialities. I am happy to say that even though it is not what I generally watch (although I am happy that I am going beyond my imaginary boundary I had enforced for myself).

On the outset, the series follows the lead, who in many ways is the anti-thesis of what I believe in. But time and experience has taught me that people are more than their beliefs or what their demeanour looks like from the outside. Humans are infinitely complex, correction, our personalities are infinitely complex, moulded at every step from various contributory factors, most of the time without us having any clue about it. I would also go on to correct myself because infinitely is a tall claim and it might just be that the person who has figured it all out hasn't done so yet.

Sugar, was messed up no doubt. She made mistakes no doubt. She was troubled no doubt. But in some ways, aren't we all? I know I am. I know I am messed up because I get stressed out over the wrong things, get too absorbed in the micro to lose out on the macro. I hold on for too long or do too much too fast. I have never been taught how to love or appreciate the people in my life properly and even now, just writing that word made me shudder inside. I grew up with problems, was never good enough to be good at anything beyond average, that too with great effort. I don't mind working for it, actually, I crave the work, because I feel deep inside that I don't deserve anything or anyone around me. 

I feel so bad to admit this but the reality is that it has become hardwired in me that if I am not productive every waking second or do something for someone or solve a problem, I am not justifying my existence. 

The fact that I never reached a top tier college, that I barely get a concept the first time around unless it is explained properly, that I never remember formulas, that I start too many things and never close everything I start...it hurts me everyday. I can blame it on my wiring or just dump it on ADHD, but the reality is that I lack discipline, conviction and good habits that actually bring about this change.

You could see that sugar was troubled, she had been through a lot, no doubt, but the author was also trying to tell us that she should have confronted herself earlier than when she eventually did (at 50). We fail, more often than not and that is a given. What I learned from Sugar was that eventually, or actually, when the bottomless fall had gone on long enough, Sugar had to step in for herself and catch herself. Nobody else was coming to get her, nothing to break her fall. One by one, step by step she had to tackle the things that had become undone.

Additionally, I also took the fact that it is never too late to achieve what we want to achieve. Sugar's best friend was not the Magna cum laude that Sugar was and she got her book deal 16 years later than Sugar, but she DID it. She fought for the life she wanted and got it. Through hardship. Through rough days, rough ways and rough friends. But she got through.

I no longer hope to get sucked into aspirations and rat race that others relate to. I want to establish my own ecosystem, my own goals and my own metrics. It isn't easy because there is no information out there that isn't biased by someone else's point of view. It isn't easy because I don't think I know what I want out of life, only a few things that don't necessarily excite me to the required extent. However, I also try to rethink it from the point of view that my dad keeps reminding me that I only like things that I do not have in front of me, that once I have something, I lose interest in it. If it holds true, that is a massive red flag trait that I need to work on to remove. 

I need to remind myself that for now, I am grateful for my board members, the pillars of support, for the work that provides me with some stability, even though the work itself might not be great right now. I am grateful for the places I get to travel, for the world I get to see, for the failed relationships I have been through, for the lessons I have been taught through those and even though I am deeply flawed, I am thankful for this existence, because in the end, to have this much is just being lucky, a luck that I do not deserve.

Lights out Alice!

A walk to remember: Goan edition

Lights out Alice!

Am writing to you from the airport in Goa on my way back to Mumbai after a four day offsite brand plan meeting. To be fair, all I did was see the inside of the conference room on most days from 8 am to 6pm and barely had energy or more importantly daylight after that to go out and explore.

Goa and what it stands for couldn't be more different from me. This meant that I was going into the place with prejudice.

I was happy to see that the infrastructure and the quality of roads were so good that it swept me away. To add to it, the backroads were filled with serene lanscape, hills and cliff faces, all of which were inspiring and captivating in equal measure.

Why does it hurt?

Lights out Alice!

On the face of it, in a short span of time, I have gotten to know a lot of people. The flip side of that is that in that same short span of time, I have been left vulnerable and wounded too many times. Obviously, on a micro level I must have bent the truth a fair few times, but on a macro level, I did everything with passion and intent, which meant that opening up took a lot of courage and although at the time I did not realize it, every time I got burned and the cycled repeated itself the wound that was just beginning to heal got scratched open again, time after time, till it stopped healing and started scarring.

I still think that the person will come back, 

that some person will come back, 

that anyone will come back. 

I still think that somebody will see that I stood by what I claimed, 

that I stood by my words, 

that I stood by them in their difficult times, 

that I supported them when they decided to let go.

I still see their faces every where I go...

To be fair, it has gotten better to the point that the pain, when it surfaces, is just a visual and a memory, but it no longer evokes the turmoil and the pain it once used to. I still remember the day, a few days post things ending in the last one, where I was writhing in pain and the sudden rush of emotions became so overwhelming that I had to leave cooking mid-way and come to the corner of a room to let it out. I was anxious, overwhelmed with emotions, with an overarching question reverberating in my head: What is wrong with me? 

Why is it that nobody stays? 

Why is that I bend over backwards to make others comfortable but they don't see the effort I put in?

I know things will fall into place when it has to and I am frankly grateful to have crossed the paths of these people in my life, but for now, as a twenty seven year old with just scars to speak of, it is not a great sight.

Lights out Alice!