Lights out Alice!
The moment is almost ominous, and the signs that lead to the actual ominous sign are just as dangerous. The moment we think that we are getting it somewhat together is always a moment that I know is the sign of the beginning of an end. How much does this mindset of mine contribute towards creating such a downfall, that is yet to be determined, but it does make a significant sub-conscious contribution, not different to a novice driver veering towards the obstacle on the road instead of away from it.
More to the point, there has never been a flow state, just the constant struggle to get there and the moment you think you are doing better than you have been for a while, things start unravelling.
The most frustrating part of all this is that I feel like an outsider while things are falling apart. Witnessing my brain actively concoct situations that would ensure that I do anything but the thing that I am supposed to do in that moment.
It takes me back to something that SR had mentioned off-hand during one of our late night conversations..."You are doing great because you are able to hold onto a job...". Here I am, almost six months down the line, on the verge of changing jobs, disappointed at myself for not being able to stick it out here. This has now shot up to become my top fear as I am scared that my ADHD habits coupled with my inability to just fake survive anything for the sake of a job will again lead me to become impatient and make the situation so untenable that I will be left with no other option.
I question every move I make. Some normies try to label it as overthinking. I prefer to call it "covering my bases" or "holding myself up to the same level of scrutiny". The latest round of "scrutiny" begs the question whether I did all I could to rectify the situation that had festered itself at my current job. I counter this by claiming that it was never a long term fit. The counter to this counter comes with the statement that I did not get the "Data Science" job that I could have. Although, other than the title, I have no clue what that would entail or even what this current job entails. I guess I have to stick it out, regardless of how good or boring it is. Sadly, I am not sure I have what it takes and that I have too much restlessness in me to survive a unsatisfactory corporate career. Historically, be it MSIL, LTCEL, SSEP and now CIPLA, I have gotten bored everywhere and what's worse is that when I am bored, I end up ruffling more feathers and getting on the bad side of people around me by being irksome.
I have time to work on my long term, to figure out how to get better, but NO, my brain would rather vile away time because it just does not work without any pressure or deadline. It keeps throwing up "lack of a concrete purpose or pain" error. I have to complete a course that would ensure that I am starting off the next job on a good stead. Instead, my brain would rather sabotage me first and then work overtime at the last moment that which it could have done without panicking from the beginning.
The shitty thing is that I am cognitively and acutely aware of all this and yet I do not take steps to correct it or do the thing that I am supposed to do. It is worse than trying to herd ants. I keep thinking of people who have been able to perform in life when they needed to and get themselves to sit down and work towards a goal, regardless of external pressures.
I guess that's why I will never be good enough Alice!
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