I am getting complacent

Lights out Alice!

Two things I wanted to touch upon:

1. I have gotten complacent. I haven't been in a tough spot in a week and I already feel like my ability to handle pain has drastically reduced. According to me,  the anticipation of the pain is worse than the pain itself. The fact that I am in a very cocooned space ensures that I am barely keeping up the minimum routine. The body forgets pretty quickly.

2. In the end, I sit there, alone, picking up the pieces. Ever the people pleaser, I drain myself to help others and just feel sapped. People have left. There are ones who are staying but only under special circumstances. It is all a house of cards.

I am, at peace, when by myself. I do not crave any unnecessary social interaction. However, after a gap, there does come some amount of urge to go out there and interact, which is quickly followed by regret while simultaneously reminding myself of anything else that I could do that would be better than this, which turns out to be almost anything by myself.

Another realization, which has been there for quite a while, is the fact that I only function optimally when I am under a deadline. I waste a lot of time, especially dawdling around "thinking and researching" the optimal way to present the answer, which, after wasting all the time, I end up going with the first answer anyways. 

I seriously lack self control, discipline and the will power to see anything through. I need to keep reminding myself of the basics, yet I keep failing at them time and again.

Will this battle ever stop Alice?