Repeating patterns

 Lights out Alice!

This is mostly a rant. I read a few days back that we generally reinforce our behaviour and bad traits through repetition. We claim we do not have the capability to change since every time we sub-consciously work towards ensuring that we fail in a similar manner thereby reinforcing what we want to believe. I do not know if it comes across as remotely believable but on most days it is a fight against my own brain, trying to calm it down enough to get working on something while not bored enough to doze off from whatever was supposed to be done. It is not unlike trying to get a mischievous five year old kid to do their homework, just that in this case, the kid is your brain and the person trying to control it is also you. The game is rigged and on most days you lose. 

Any small ripples of change in the daily work creates large ripples and upheaval in the routine and productivity flow that takes ages to restore. It is very hard to get consistency, even harder to stick to any sort of plan/target/goal, especially when one is not under any duress.

This sucks. I know on some days I am happy with the ability to create mental models, but this repeated inability to achieve daily targets, some of which I have been trying to meet for over a decade is pretty frustrating.

I am a failure Alice!