Never being good enough

Lights out Alice!

I know I am repeating myself here, mainly because I can't shake off the feeling as well. It is true, I will never be good enough. The reason for this will not be the fact that I wasn't talented enough, which I am not, or I did not have enough resources, I do, but the simple fact that I am not doing enough. I am not working hard enough in proportion to the resources that have been put behind me, the amount of good luck that has come my way and the number of awesome people and parents that have guided me and supported me in my whims and fancies.

No, I am not trying to JUST show gratitude, but also jotting down  a bit of a harsh reality. I haven't done enough, I still haven't shaken off my bad habits and I haven't worked my butt off enough to even come in the same stratosphere of consideration of the awesome people I have had the good fortune of meeting every step of the way. Be it the relentless focus and tenacity coupled with brain power of Raj or the sheer combination of excellent physical ability and mental prowess of Anurag, who came from a smaller city to a new and intimidating atmosphere of our school but was unshaken in his resolve to reach his dream. He aced the boards and then also cleared the armed forces officers' exam, all while holding down various posts in school, something that would have definitely wasted his time more often than not. Sheer respect and admiration for the guy for keeping his eyes on the prize. Next in college, I was definitely inspired by Prashant, simply for his simplicity while being extremely talented and countless others in my class, who, despite lacking interest in Mechanical, would be just so damn good at it. I would always be in awe of their ability to just simply understand (or mug up) things which would be difficult for me to grasp, only exacerbated by my inability to focus.

Then came the people I met through Baja and Enduro Student India. The talent at display just left me awe-struck. Starting from that simple primer session on Nuts and Bolt to the sheer level of brilliance that was radiating from IITB team members. Mahek, Mudit and the rest of the team just looked like people from an anime and just displayed immense intelligence to the point that they had an aura around them. I was just happy to be in their midst and hopefully grow into something better.

Alas, all I ever did was manage a barely okay level. I haven't been able to shake off my bad habits and have barely improved on my weaknesses, especially when all these people have found new ways and avenues to grow and reach the next level.

I am pissed off at myself for slacking off and not being good enough. But that's the difference between them and me. They take action and grow, I just write words on a paper (digital) and never follow it up with anything concrete.

I am sorry that you have to listen to me Alice!