Been struggling a bit

Lights out Alice!

For a while now, there was enough chaos in my life to mask the fact that I struggle with completing basic tasks and keeping focus on any particular thing for any significant amount of time. As long as there is overwhelming amount of things to do in a day, failure to complete a specific goal because of an inability to focus on a task becomes a non-issue. Moreover, when there are too many tasks, it allows for context switching, where I end up switching between tasks every 5-10 minutes, which makes me feel like I am working on everything but actually end up making zero real progress in each.

All of this is nothing new. It has been there since childhood and my parents did really well in ensuring that I stayed on track and got some things done. The feelings at the start of this blog were definitely helped by the fact that I had been a failure on most counts and hence that nagging feeling of not living up to my potential never really went away.

The situation right now is different, a sort of limbo, the in-between. I am not necessarily a failure on all counts, but definitely nothing more than another body in the professional world. Just another guy. Having followed the same path that million others do. Doing the same mundane things that lakhs do. No differentiating factor. No specialised skills. No goal towards which I am progressing. Just decaying. Slowly and surely withering into the shadows of the great corporate overlord. The burden of maintaining this menial job because of responsibilities is sapping any confidence in my abilities that I might have had (or bravado).

Looking for direction is one thing, but what I am doing is using it as an excuse to allow for my procrastination to come creeping in and break habits that I had struggled to create. I have become complacent. I have stopped pushing. I have stopped wanting. That hunger. That desire. That burning fire that makes you walk a mile when you do not have any energy left. 

For years, there has always been that voice in my head telling me that I am a disappointment. Now, there is a new voice keeps asking me WHY. Why am I running all the time? What am I afraid of? Why am I so hell bent on making an impact? Why am I living in this delusion that a menial corporate job will ever make an impact? Moreover, DOES IT EVEN MATTER? At 60, when one retires, if I am still there then, what will matter to me and what will make me proud? Do I need to figure it all out now or should I just keep going and eventually will reach somewhere?

The competing voices have a very important conundrum that I need to address soon. Is it okay to slow down or should I keep pushing? Is it okay to take the time to figure out my version of things and what I want instead of following accepted answers that is readymade? Does that imply that my answer should be different or will I be willing to reach the same conclusion as society would have already given me, just slower than others and later than others?

Am I pushing myself to expand my thinking and horizons enough? Am I listening to people enough? Am I keeping myself open to other POV enough? Why am I so impatient? Why am I so closed off? Why do I have this undying need to do everything from scratch and reach the same conclusion that was already presented to me in the first place? Does this stem from a place of trying to prove myself better or trying to be sure? Is this a control issue or is it due diligence?

The bigger worry that I have, is how do I go about finding answers to these questions? What is the trusted source? How do I determine that the source is free of bias and explaining it in the right context?

Lights out Alice!