Lights out Alice!
A lot of shit went down in the past month, starting off with the Bangalore trip and culminating in a good understanding of where I stand on relationships.
Bangalore was an impulse move, no doubt, one fueled by the narrow frame of thought one gets into when it is hammered the same shit again and again, not unlike how a person would feel in a prison or any scenario detached from the outer world.
I did what I should not have done (or thought through more), even though I have done it in the past, as this time the person didn't change their ways. Other times they haven't as well, but now I cannot cut off as the cat cannot be put back in the bag.
The situation or predicament, I should say, I am in, warrants a level of delicateness that my natural uncouth nature is unable to provide.
The dominos that started to fall because of Bangalore led to the situation where I had to be in the uncomfortable position of delicately explaining what her visit to Gurgaon and staying with me for over a week would mean, or what it wouldn't mean. We still aren't a thing, but to the same effect, we still aren't not not a thing. The bread-crumbing force remains strong on this one. Lines were crossed, mutually, I might add for everyone's benefit, and on my end mostly for data analysis purposes.
Lest we forget, there were altercations, loud and violent ones, majorly stemming from mistrust brought on by a misunderstanding of my explanation or the realization of the casual manner in which I lie to get out of a pickle. I am no holier than thou, but hopefully not as sleazy as I repeatedly found myself being painted.
The worst collateral from all this was an increased strain in the relationship with my sister. She wasn't ready to understand my point of view, mainly because I didn't offer a very good explanation of what all this was but also because she isn't very high on talking about feelings. She just dismisses me when I trying to have a heartfelt conversation by crude remarks. "Oh, you are such a girl." "Grow up and be a man".
Coming to the point, what I mainly took away from the data gathering process was that I am what I claim to be, but since I claim to be different personas in different shades, I don't know if the composite I have created is reflective of the true picture. I am not majorly drawn by conventional forces aka physical features, not to the point that it would be a great decision making contributor. I am also not really into the societal niceties, mostly because I think they are a colossal waste of time. I have gone to great length for the other person, lines that I didn't know I was willing to cross and relationships I didn't know I was ready to strain. However, nothing seems to be enough for the other person. Moreover, the basic fact that I am an introvert and love my peace and solitude a bit too much didn't help the entire equation, especially when looking at it from a long term lens. I don't think there is a future there, but I know that I can't see another person in pain and if that requires that action from my end, I see myself going out there and doing that.
I know it is a shitty reason to commit to something holy and it is a recipe for disaster, but hey ho, I am just keeping my fingers crossed that it does not come to that or that I find the courage to put up or shut up.
Been a while Alice. Sorry for not being more regular with my updates!
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