I am a shitter

Lights out Alice!

A mark of a true shitter, which in this case is me, is the inability to take feedback or accept mistakes. The instant reaction of recoiling or shutting off as soon as someone says anything less than ideal about you.

I am ashamed of reacting in a similar way. I used to mask that under the statement, "Did I come to you asking for your opinion, or did you come to me?..." But that's shitty because I generally push people away anyways and not having an interaction on my own accord leads to the false belief that I have worked on my issues enough to iron them out. NO you dumb piece of shit, you just buried it deep enough and never stirred it.

• Immediate disgust when someone says anything negative about me
• Inability to actually listen to people when they give feedback and immediately trying to find loops in their argument and find ways to prove how I am right
• Not really listening to them and discounting their opinion because they came to me and not vice versa. On the other hand, I would put a different set of argument for people I would approach because there I would try to sell the story to myself that they are just piling on because I came to them for help and I am allowed to disagree with their opinion
• Remembering back to the UKD incident last week when everyone was gathered here in Sweena, I tried to pile on my way of understanding onto UKD, dismissing his fears and beliefs as trivial. That was shitty of me. Additionally, I had no right to tell him what his beliefs should be.

One big pattern that is emerging in all of this is the fact that I tend to give unsolicited opinions on a situation and then assert that my understanding of the situation, through my pattern analysis, regardless of how biased it might be, replete with incomplete and incorrect data, is the right interpretation of a situation.

Time and again, I push people away. The proof of my shallowness is in the fact that I am greatly offended if people know any detail of my life or talk about me. "Who gave them a right to talk about me?.." is my usual justification in my head whereas on the flip side I turn and bring obscure details people's personal life in a discussion to justify how their pattern of behaviour is incorrect.

Truth to be told, I also have a case to make about the fact that I do not go and ask for people to tell me details. Frankly, I would like to believe that I want to stay away from people. But that would be incorrect. I like my personal space and time, but I have been conditioned among people for far too long to go beyond a few days without any human interaction. Who knows, the first few weeks might be difficult, but hopefully I can adapt to that.

More than anything, all of this is ensuring that I have taken my eyes off the ball. I have slipped and am barely hanging on to my dear routine, let alone getting shit done. It doesn't take a lot for me to fall apart at the seams, it seems.

I truly suck Alice!