It's that day again

Lights out Alice!

Another revolution around the sun has been completed since I was born. I have never been much of a birthday person, or a person who celebrates things (just the small irrelevant ones or for others), but I do get scared easily. Especially, when things have been going my way for a small time now. 

To be fair, I am scared shitless. Life is pretty great in terms of things to do and things that are not going wrong. I know, it sounds like the beginning of a bad omen, but more importantly, I have been so used to things not being okay in my life that when there is a small stretch of time when there is no SHIT ON FIRE, I feel anxious and overwhelmed, unable to enjoy the moment, just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

However, I have been trying to placate myself by telling that things, when they have to go wrong, WILL MOST DEFINITELY GO WRONG, in the most glorious of ways. Hence, there is no point worrying. However, the next worry that comes is that I have gone soft and would not know how to live a life in tougher circumstance. 

I hate the fact that I do not have a struggle right now, when there is sadness and strife all around me. People are working twice as hard, if not more and have ten times worse luck. 

I AM PRETTY LUCKY. I am lucky to have my parents, currently in good health, my elder sister, who is also doing well for herself and in general things are going good. Again, this SCARES me. I know it is inevitable that things will turn and there will be complications down the line, but till that turn arrives, it is just anxiety all the way. As was rightly said, the anticipation of the pain is ALWAYS worse than the pain itself.  The creeping doubt, whether I will be able to handle it, whether it will be worth it, whether I am going too soft and not pushing hard enough and hence slowly wilting away. 

I do not want to get complacent, but I know for a fact that I have. This is mainly because I am no longer chasing. It is harder to maintain something than to get to that point. Just ask Mercedes F1 team. We all slip. We all fall down. The pain is when you know you are at a peak and there is going to be an inevitable trough regardless of what you do.

Summary of the best bits that I read in the last week:

• Distractions are aplenty
• You need to know what you want to build for - remove everything else
• Your work today needs to be on what you want to see in 3 years' time...not for today...hence if you think you are doing fine today, that is because you are reaping benefits from the work done a couple of years back. Sitting back and relaxing means you are not investing in your tomorrow
• WHY would you ever stop learning and growing? Why give into distraction?
• ASK yourself why are you putting your time and effort into any activity! Is this help you build anything? Is this for money? Is this because you are interested? Is this a hobby or are you just recharging? There are no other buckets and if an activity does not fall inside the above, it is not worth your time

I really need to start working on my next...now that I have some cushion, what do I want to build upon? Just because I have the luxury does not mean that I can afford the complacency.

I hope I wake up soon Alice!