Lights out Alice!
After Afterlife, there were very few series that captured my imagination of the pain that goes on in the world as a way to remind myself that there are people out there suffering from real problems and that I am just wallowing over trivialities. I am happy to say that even though it is not what I generally watch (although I am happy that I am going beyond my imaginary boundary I had enforced for myself).
On the outset, the series follows the lead, who in many ways is the anti-thesis of what I believe in. But time and experience has taught me that people are more than their beliefs or what their demeanour looks like from the outside. Humans are infinitely complex, correction, our personalities are infinitely complex, moulded at every step from various contributory factors, most of the time without us having any clue about it. I would also go on to correct myself because infinitely is a tall claim and it might just be that the person who has figured it all out hasn't done so yet.
Sugar, was messed up no doubt. She made mistakes no doubt. She was troubled no doubt. But in some ways, aren't we all? I know I am. I know I am messed up because I get stressed out over the wrong things, get too absorbed in the micro to lose out on the macro. I hold on for too long or do too much too fast. I have never been taught how to love or appreciate the people in my life properly and even now, just writing that word made me shudder inside. I grew up with problems, was never good enough to be good at anything beyond average, that too with great effort. I don't mind working for it, actually, I crave the work, because I feel deep inside that I don't deserve anything or anyone around me.
I feel so bad to admit this but the reality is that it has become hardwired in me that if I am not productive every waking second or do something for someone or solve a problem, I am not justifying my existence.
The fact that I never reached a top tier college, that I barely get a concept the first time around unless it is explained properly, that I never remember formulas, that I start too many things and never close everything I start...it hurts me everyday. I can blame it on my wiring or just dump it on ADHD, but the reality is that I lack discipline, conviction and good habits that actually bring about this change.
You could see that sugar was troubled, she had been through a lot, no doubt, but the author was also trying to tell us that she should have confronted herself earlier than when she eventually did (at 50). We fail, more often than not and that is a given. What I learned from Sugar was that eventually, or actually, when the bottomless fall had gone on long enough, Sugar had to step in for herself and catch herself. Nobody else was coming to get her, nothing to break her fall. One by one, step by step she had to tackle the things that had become undone.
Additionally, I also took the fact that it is never too late to achieve what we want to achieve. Sugar's best friend was not the Magna cum laude that Sugar was and she got her book deal 16 years later than Sugar, but she DID it. She fought for the life she wanted and got it. Through hardship. Through rough days, rough ways and rough friends. But she got through.
I no longer hope to get sucked into aspirations and rat race that others relate to. I want to establish my own ecosystem, my own goals and my own metrics. It isn't easy because there is no information out there that isn't biased by someone else's point of view. It isn't easy because I don't think I know what I want out of life, only a few things that don't necessarily excite me to the required extent. However, I also try to rethink it from the point of view that my dad keeps reminding me that I only like things that I do not have in front of me, that once I have something, I lose interest in it. If it holds true, that is a massive red flag trait that I need to work on to remove.
I need to remind myself that for now, I am grateful for my board members, the pillars of support, for the work that provides me with some stability, even though the work itself might not be great right now. I am grateful for the places I get to travel, for the world I get to see, for the failed relationships I have been through, for the lessons I have been taught through those and even though I am deeply flawed, I am thankful for this existence, because in the end, to have this much is just being lucky, a luck that I do not deserve.
Lights out Alice!
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