Am I really that eccentric?

Lights out Alice!

I have had to go out and interact with people a lot these past few weeks which has left me drained and barely able to put up a social veil that covers the otherwise crass nature of my behaviour. Without that veil, the world is unable to process the directness of my response, labelling it as "rude" and "eccentric".

Side note, what's ironic is that after a while, I feel like going out and doing things (meeting people would be the last resort) but as soon as I have to meet people, I regret is instantly and vehemently, to the point that I would swear off against making any such plans in the future only to repeat the cycle after a few weeks.

Unfortunately, I had to go out to meet a friend today as well. I really hated the idea, but being the people pleaser I am, I was unable to say no since the person had asked last weekend as well and I had declined abruptly. What I cannot fathom, is that in general societal norms friends are just expected to "hang out". Yes, I don't mind not having a set agenda with PPD or people of similar level, but not anyone. Even with PPD we generally have a headlining goal, however trivial it might be. We both work with a schedule and an optimising goal, the best part being that both of us will try to fit in our plans while trying to fool the other that it is in the best interest of the group overall and not just their plans.

Coincidentally, both my sister and this person (208) brought up the "other half" issue. 208 told I am eccentric and it would take a lot for anyone to adjust to my "controlling" nature. My sister was more restrained in her advice and brought up the fact that whoever that person is has to gel with at least the immediate family and more than anything understand me on a level better than anyone else (or at least at PPD's). Given the over-analyzer that I am, the subtext was that SB did not seem like a good fit.

I have been used by people. A lot. It is sort of a given if you are a people pleaser but I take it to the extreme because I shun attention overtly while passively doing grand gestures which go above and beyond normal expectation, but only with the little things. Does it mean I am to blame for being used? Yes, but also no. Everyone who has hurt me knows what they were doing and just get taken aback when they see me finally have enough and stand up to leave. I shouldn't have set the wrong standard in the first place according to them. I agree to an extent. But that doesn't make their actions right.

It sucks to be rejected or used. All said and done, everyone of these people left. Now, some of these are definitely justified, if not all of them, but a 100% rejection rate cannot all be just hard luck. It sucks to be left standing broken after all this time.

There is no denying I am not a run of the mill person. I do have eccentric views and tendencies that are far from normal, however one person's normal is another's weird.

But am I not meant to find anyone? I have always been of the opinion that I don't really need need another person, but it would be nice to feel loved and accepted for what I am. I know idealists would love to chime in and claim that this expectation is the bare minimum, but I have been far too broken to expect anything more than the bread crumbs that some offer. Or alternatively, as 225 mentioned, I push people away or their offers of affection. But isn't this something most people do? When they are going through a hard time, I try my best for them and keep trying even when they hurl abuses at me or chide me, but I cannot expect the same even though I don't denigrate them(well I do, but that's on a different tangent)? 

I can justify both expecting less and wanting more, just that my overthinking brain isn't quite sure as to which side of the argument to fall onto. Hopefully everything falls into place, enough to make sense, Alice!