Hello Alice! It's been a while since I actually had the voices in my head speak to me in a manner that encourages me to write them down. Maybe it is just that I am not disciplined enough, maybe I got too complacent with my situation but one thing is clear, I have slipped far too much. I was never good enough but at least I was putting in the right effort. Currently, that has evapourated.
I do ask myself sometimes why am I not doing enough. The simplest answer that I can find is that the people pleaser in me is always vigilant around family members, going the extra mile and being at their service, too drained afterwards to actually find the time to do something meaningful.
I am currently attending the wedding of Tarun. I hate weddings no doubt. In general I have no interest in being a part of weddings, but since my track record had always been that I am more of a rainy day person, I am going out of my way to even it out. However, it does go against every fibre of my being. Every moment in a social gathering, unless I find the right person to talk to feels like a chore. I just want to get out.
However, I also do know that talking to people helps get me out of my head and put a fresh perspective on everything. Yesterday, I ended up talking to a colleague of Tarun's from IITB. Our shared interest was engineering and machine design and it served as a a wake up call. People who are doers just do things. They don't wait around or hope things fall into their lap. People who are smart (which he was in this case) just see things from a different perspective, a perspective created through relentless study and push to understand everything around them and the system in focus. They do not leave a stone unturned or assume anything. They get it done.
These past few weeks, I have just been serving others or wasting my time whenever I get any. I am becoming dumb and choosing to doom scroll over learning. Furthermore, even when I do get down to studies, I am just aimless and do not have a plan which in turn leads to not having enough motivation to follow through.
What happened to me Alice? Is this all I will ever be? Mediocre? Will I never be able to break the pattern and do something meaningful with myself?
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