Back in that space again...

Lights out Alice!

A lot of people interaction has been draining me these days. Given that it is hard for me to set boundaries given that I am a people pleaser by default and my availability is a given, it can and has gotten a bit straining these days. 

Instead of showing irritability, which has been a natural response for me in these situations previously, I decided to cut off and take a break. The shit part is that my brain keeps going back and forth in an anxious loop telling that I am letting others down and that if I do not reply instantly to their messages or their requests to rant, I will be a bad person.

To add to these, slow days cause the most amount of stress to me. They make me feel like I am wasting my time, which I do, but it just keeps on piling up in my head. I work only when there are deadlines and working on things and basics with no clear outcome is something that my brain straight up rejects. My ADHD peaks at this moment leading to unparalleled levels of procrastination while being acutely aware of every passing second, all the while doing nothing about it. I do not know how to convey it in a manner that actually gets the severity of the situation across, but it is the most mentally taxing of days. When I have tons of work or lot of calculation or even a tight deadline, that's when I am at a normal state of mind.

Yes, I have read enough self-help books to know that having homeostasis on a mentally heightened state is not a good thing to have. I am trying to work on it. I am trying to talk to myself to remind myself that in the end it is all futile. Our prof in the Marketing department at MDI recently passed away. He must have been good. He must have been super enthused about his work. At some point in time he must have been good at research and academically acing everything. But just like everything else, that time passed as well. 

I keep thinking that I have been a disappointment. I need to do this or achieve that or get to a particular intelligence level or execute an idea successfully to prove my mettle. But the brass tack is that I am nothing more than another average human who has nothing of significance to contribute to this planet and all the stories of greatness and achievement that I keep concocting are just that. STORIES. LIES told to my self to tell myself that I am not useless. 

But I know, I am, Alice!