Why does it hurt?

Lights out Alice!

On the face of it, in a short span of time, I have gotten to know a lot of people. The flip side of that is that in that same short span of time, I have been left vulnerable and wounded too many times. Obviously, on a micro level I must have bent the truth a fair few times, but on a macro level, I did everything with passion and intent, which meant that opening up took a lot of courage and although at the time I did not realize it, every time I got burned and the cycled repeated itself the wound that was just beginning to heal got scratched open again, time after time, till it stopped healing and started scarring.

I still think that the person will come back, 

that some person will come back, 

that anyone will come back. 

I still think that somebody will see that I stood by what I claimed, 

that I stood by my words, 

that I stood by them in their difficult times, 

that I supported them when they decided to let go.

I still see their faces every where I go...

To be fair, it has gotten better to the point that the pain, when it surfaces, is just a visual and a memory, but it no longer evokes the turmoil and the pain it once used to. I still remember the day, a few days post things ending in the last one, where I was writhing in pain and the sudden rush of emotions became so overwhelming that I had to leave cooking mid-way and come to the corner of a room to let it out. I was anxious, overwhelmed with emotions, with an overarching question reverberating in my head: What is wrong with me? 

Why is it that nobody stays? 

Why is that I bend over backwards to make others comfortable but they don't see the effort I put in?

I know things will fall into place when it has to and I am frankly grateful to have crossed the paths of these people in my life, but for now, as a twenty seven year old with just scars to speak of, it is not a great sight.

Lights out Alice!