RCA of RC Story

Lights out Alice!

The top voices in my head that keep looping::

1. Why me?
2. What's wrong with me? 
3. Am I broken and will I forever be broken?
4. Is it all borne out of loneliness or do I really feel something for a person? Will I ever be able to distinguish correctly while being in the situation?

RCA brings me to the following understanding (with the obvious disclaimer that it might change at any time:

1. I was afraid and ashamed. Ashamed of being so wrong about the actions of a person. Afraid that I caused harm to the person. I was ashamed that I mistook acts of kindness for something more which ended up causing more harm to the person.

Update 21.08.25:

Our paths had to cross again yesterday. Given the professional setting, obviously I had to act non-chalant. 

But it hurts me. 

It hurts me to see that all the memories we shared amounted to nothing. 

It hurts me to see that two people who once got so close that they knew what the other person would think next can now be sharing the same space but have an invisible void between them.

I can see she needed a friend. It hurts me everytime that I assumed otherwise and hurt her. I know I can't apologise to her anymore, but God, how I wish I could get another chance to say sorry for the hurt I have caused and I could find a way to make it all go away.

We were really good friends. We used to have a blast. Sometimes I think I am chasing that feeling of belonging. Other times I agree that it was too good to last and it ended when it had to. I just want to find a way to ensure that the space that we share is not suffocating.

I want my brain to understand. 

It ended. So what? 

She caused a lot of hurt...so what? 

Forgive her...to be fair, I never blamed her but rather myself for misreading it all.

I should go back to being friends...what my data suggests that it would be easy for her but pretty difficult for me...I wish I was stronger than this but I don't think I am.

She needs a friend. She has lost trust. I need to reestablish that. Is this something I am doing for her or myself? Is this the right thing to do? I look around the office and most people don't have true friends so why do I feel the need to "fix" this? Or am I just trying to "fix" it or trying to end this chapter in a way where the other person "owes" me, a MO that I have repeated previously.

Oh boy, am I a mess right now!

Lights out Alice!

Never taunt fate. Never make the claim that I will face the pain when it comes because when it came, oh boy!

It hit me like a train. It reminded me that I had gotten too comfortable. It reminded me that I gave too much of myself to make room for the person who didn't reciprocate at the same level.

I am a mess right now. I am not okay. It sucks that I have been here before and I thought this time I could deal with it better, but this time, in a long list of previous such occurences, is way worse. 

Circumstances wise, this time I still have to go back and see that person every other day. We still share some similar circles

Mostly because I had gotten too complacent and thought I could brute force it. Mostly because I forgot my tools and thought I could just "get over it". 

Mostly because I kept hanging on and replaying it in my head when I should have forced myself to stop.

Mostly because I broke my routines, things that keep me sane, to make time for the other and now that the person is gone, I am a broken mess who is finding it difficult to get back to feeling okay in any remote sense of the world.

Why am I lingering and why is this time way more difficult?

Context: The pattern repeated itself. Gotten close. Next thing I know, it is all over. In an instant. Poof.

I keep replaying it, wanting to believe that she hurt me and went away like it never meant a thing. Every 10 minutes I keep replaying all the good times we shared, all the fun we had frollicking around and how this time, I had more breadcrumbs of affection than ever before.

What I quietly put aside is that there was never any feeling of a romantic angle to it from her end, just platonic and the fact that their wiring forces them to go above and beyond in making the other person comfortable. 

What I quietly try to supress is that I was the one that went for that embrace, that misread the situation and thought that she was coming back and that there was some affection there. 

What also infuriates me is that I didn't get to say sorry. I didn't get to hear the other side. That person just chose to shut me out and gloss over the incident without a debrief on it. Just abandon without closure. While I also ask myself what closure I was looking for when there is clearly zero interest. I think I was looking for her to clearly delineate where I crossed lines. I was looking for her to admit that I wasn't entirely wrong about her feelings.

I think I was simply looking to soothe my ego that I wasn't wrong about her interest in me. I was. She was never interested in me. I was forcing it and she did the things she did out of courtesy and the kind person she is.

I think I simply hated being wrong.

I know I am confusing loneliness with attraction.

I know I am making the situation worse for myself by clinging onto it.

I have realized I have anxious attachment pattern, I get attached too quickly, do too much for them and then hurt myself too much in the process.

I am broken. I am in a million pieces right now. All my tools have been dismantled. I don't even have the energy to bring myself to fake a smile. I have no projects to help me keep myself on track. I have a job where I am not respected and it is a so-so situation. I am isolating myself from any kind of social interaction. I am sorry for worrying my parents as they can see I am lost and hurting but they can do very little to help me.

Higher powers and Alice, I don't know if I will ever make it back from here or is there a deeper pit that I will fall into soon. I hope I survive because I don't think I have the power in me to fall further.

RC update - 24.07.25 Part 4 - The End

This is the end. Written. Clarified for the last time. Goodbyes told.

It hurt so much. I couldn't figure it out as to why it was messing with my head so much. Why I looping so bad. Why I was hurting so bad and forcing her to give me another chance or begging her to reconsider. I get she would have been a great person, I get she has no reason to settle for a person like me but I couldn't put my finger on why I kept trying to go back.

Till I found the reason why. I was embarassed. Embarassed on being rejected. Embarassed to think I was not good enough. That I would never be good enough for her regardless of whatever I did. I felt that if only I could correct that particular flaw in me or show that side in me that I was hiding I could be good enough. That she would change her mind. That I would not be rejected again.

I was embarassed at the thought of being laughed at. Again. By a group of people. This fear showed up in holding on long after I should have let go. I was afraid that since it is someone I have to see again, whenever we cross paths, it would be a judgement of some sorts, a reminder of my failure, of not being good enough for her. Simply put, anxiety fueled by insecurities that I have still not accepted in myself, primary among them being not tall enough (been rejected by quite a few over this and it is now a PTSD). I was afraid that whenever she would judge a person for not being good enough, I would be the benchmark for that list and that the laugh on the person being judged would first imply the delusion I was under thinking I was good enough for her.

Is it the people pleaser in me?

Is it the fact that I crave acceptance?

Is it the fact that I haven't felt this understood in a long time?

Or is it simply that I never had a gf? That I feel rejected?

I was afraid. 

Afraid of being laughed at by everybody. 

Afraid of being the butt of the jokes. 

Afraid of hurting someone I cared about.

But mostly afraid of being laughed at for thinking I could be a good fit for her.

This led to spiralling anxiety. What if she told others and they would laugh as well? What if she became uncomfortable because of me and had to leave jobs? What if I made her mistrust people and draw her walls up higher?

How would I survive office? How I survive common outings? Could this ever become normal?

What if I could not face her? What if I had to take work from home and what if this affected my work?

This led to me thinking I could never stop hurting. That this would only get worse. 

That I had compromised on building my own future and habits so much that I could never get back on the wagon. 

That I could never rebuild myself. 

That I wasted my time. 

I thought I had forgotten how to live with myself.

 I thought I needed to fill my time with more things. 

I thought silence would be deafening. 

I thought I needed more Projects. More Passion. More Purpose. 

I tried that for a while. I tried surrounding myself with more people and more work. More activites and hobbies. Trying new things. Driving to new and far off places. Sadly, it had the inverse effect. Any fleeting moment of silence would make me freefall. All I could think about is her and how to get her to accept me. How I can change to meet her wherever she was and at whatever level of friendship she would accept me at, even if it was friendzoned. That way at least I could get to be around her.

That was pretty stupid of me. I was becoming clingy and afraid to let go.

I was aware of this behavioural pattern, but didn't know it had become this bad. She put an end to it.

As long as I do not go back to begging for attention from her and control that urge to text her, hopefully I will make it through. I know bad days will be there and I will relapse, but I hope I do not relapse into talking to her again.

It's going to be a bad day today (RC Part 3)

Lights out Alice!

It is only 8am but the feeling has kicked in that today is going to be a bad day. Delayed processing means that I don't feel the pain on the day it happens (beyond a certain extent) and am able to block it out. Today is the fourth day since the incident and now that withdrawal has kicked in, the pain comes flooding back in along with any and all associated bad thoughts, all made worse by insecurities looping in my head:

"I will never be good enough", "I am too short", "Why would anyone waste their time with me", "I am far too complicated", "I am not a fun person to hang out with", "I am too serious all the time", "I am full of shite and big talk and have never done anything of substance"

When these days happen, it is just a constant downward spiral. Group discussions trigger me, every little comment sends me into the abyss. I can be sitting with family but just looping in my head. Realizing how I have always been made fun of, been ostracized, never felt like I belong or that my opinions are valued. To be fair, this is normal of any family and of any youngest child, but on these days, the minor grievances lead to death by a thousand cuts.

Update: The next day

As usual, I claim that I know how to handle pain and then when the pain actually comes, It feels like it is ripping across you and it humbles you to the point where you reassess your claims all while knowing very well that it is just a matter of getting through it and coming out on the other side. I had felt this kind of loneliness in a crowd once before when we travelled to Sikkim in our management trainee group. There were over a dozen of us, but none of them were friends with me and none of them bothered to get real (although it was my fault for pushing people away).

Throughout this Udaipur trip, because there was an external party deciding the places to visit, it sort of felt like a downstream flow of water in a river, in which one has no control other than the gravitational pull downstream. However, I am happy that there were moments where I did stop to stare at the beauty that surrounds, especially in the mundane.

I have absolutely no interest in opulence, a minor interest in architecture and the rest of my interest in split between nature and driving. However, I have a set protocol (let's not talk about why I am like this) on how to explore a new city. I want to walk.  Not the tall buildings or the fancy malls or the high society restaurants. I want to walk the narrow streets. I want to walk the residential areas. I want the makeshift roadside tea stalls. Not because I

Best thing I have read today

Cancer wards tell a consistent story: Regret belongs to those who remained loyal to expectations rather than to themselves.

I guess I am grateful

 Lights out Alice!

In the RC story, there have been some developments that I wanted to apprise you of. The person, as my initial hypothesis had concluded, is a pretty good person. More than that, they believe in taking care of the ones that take care. They put in the effort. Obviously, expecting people to be at the level that I had put them on is wrong because they might not have anything towards me in the first place and that's alright.

However, the reason I needed to note this down is that there was something special that transpired last Saturday night when we went on an impromptu trip to India gate. She let her walls down and showed trust. She was going through something in the background and yet chose to forget about it and let me distract her. I know we operate using the same playbook and hence I am aware that it is a choice to let people or things distract you because if we want, we can be stuck inside our head and let nothing come in between. 

If I know anything about that person, I know how big a deal that is and I have to take into account the herculean task this was on her end to let her walls down to the person who has been nothing but a burden to her. 

I always come off as needy, anxious and insecure, mostly because I am, but if I could do something to change my ways, I would always like to remind myself to come back to this fact that there are awesome people like RC in this world who did treat me right, who held space for my myriad tantrums, who reassured my overthinking brain, who made space for my explanations, who listened without judgement.

I know I cannot get her to stay. People like her deserve so much better than the trash I am. But I have to acknowledge the fact that she was one of the few people who actually saw me and heard me and I did not have to put up a mask or talk in a way she would understand. No, it doesn't take away the need to communicate what we are actually feeling and thinking, but it made it less of an effort and more of a choice that I was willing to make.

I guess I am a liar

I was thinking of going on a bicycle ride and pushing long distances. Not the kinda thing one would immediately think of doing in this Delhi heat but immediately my justification came to me that it would make for a great story. 

I keep forgetting my principles. I know that if something is done for the sake of telling others, one might as well not do it. This generation of social media has taken over us to the point wherein if one does not shout out every detail of their world to the world it does not exist (one that does not care, might I add).

I am just being a liar and a storyteller in that case right? Doing it for somebody else or to brag or to sound cool just negates the very point of doing it. I had adhered to the principle previously. 

On the contrary, isn't it okay if I am trying to be the person that I consider cool? To do the things that would inspire me and not just be cool in the conventional sense of the word? Am I pretending if I am genuinely excited by these things?

What is it about being Vulnerable?

I can take a joke. Or I thought I did...I can roast and be roasted back...or I thought I did.

In most cases, I am never really pertubed by what people say about me or my quirks. 

However, these past few months when I was swooing over a person, every roast that they made felt like it was the end of the world. It made me question my worth, my existence and shattered me in a million pieces and scattered my mind in a million directions. 

Why did I get hurt by this? Why is that person saying such mean things to me? Why are they being so mean? If they are roasting me do they think I am important or do they feel to the same extent that I do about them?

I have made this mistake before with SB and extroverts in general, where little attention, which for extroverts is not a big deal, makes me feel too many things, mostly unwarranted and definitely unreciprocated.

I can and have been running all the permutations in my head, trying to catch signs of where there was any affection shown and where I wasn't wrong in my assumption. The truth is, I was wrong.

The shitty part is that I didn't mean to break their trust, but I did. I know they will be more guarded than ever and I apologize to the overlords out there for causing this.

What I also have realized is that I am pretty bad at this. I am wired for overthinking and overassuming whereas people do not operate at that level and it scares them off. I am and will forever be NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I am not sorry about liking somebody but I am sorry that I wasn't strong enough to keep it to myself because they were not at the same page.

On the flip side though, I would also like to question if I am allowed to feel bad about myself? If I am, then I would like to add if I could have been let down better? Could their have been some grace show instead of making me feel like the shittiest piece of shitter on this planet who only had an ulterior motive all this time? 

Obviously I can have feelings for a person, emotions are generally not in our control, but if I was being bratty about it or giving my emotional baggage to someone else to handle then I would be wrong. However, I just confessed my feelings while also being understanding enough to say that I know they don't feel the same and I am there to figure out how how to best deal with it. 

I didn't ask them to deal with me but I am getting upset that they didn't care enough to actually think about how I may be feeling? Goes on to show their side in a way. It could simply be that they might be overwhelmed and not know how to deal with it. Or that I spoke too much and they thought I had figured it out all by myself and it is pointless to try and explain.

I do talk too much. I don't have shit figured out. I am just as much of a mess as the next person, if not more. I am broken. I need a purpose that drives me and a creative outlet that occupies me. I need to sort my shit out first and then worry about who I let in. I made a mistake in letting people in. I should not have...

Thoughts when I am spiralling

There is rejection and then there is whatever happened to me or keeps happening to me (this is now the second time it has happened)

In this RC chapter, I have to call out one of my key behavioural patterns that I have figured out. When I am expecting reciprocation (mind you, it is all in my head, and I had no real data to back it up) I have ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT patterns This was bad. I was unable to regulate my emotions properly and my moods did depend on the other person and their behaviour at that point, which obviously they weren't trying to be deliberate about. I am flagging this as pretty bad because it would have definitely muddied my data and ability to read the situation. This reeks of desperation. Time and space will most likely tell me that it was un-wise of me to be so naive.

Although, I would also like to counter it by saying that I knew the consequences and I knew it was a long shot and even a no shot, but I chose to take it. Courage or desperation? I will never know!

All I know is that my actions have hurt a person that I really cared about because I betrayed their trust and ended up losing a friend in the process. The devil's advocate in me does ask if I could ever just be friends with her because I saw her differently and I would like to say no, but I also have SB data and currently whatever happens, I know for a fact that I am not going back there.

I know I have to pay up for the hurt I have caused and I am ready to do that, but for the life of me, if I could find a way to make it better or repair the hurt I have caused, I would do it. I want to stand up and take charge but I have little control over how it goes. I have to pull back and wait for the other person because the ball is in their court and unless they allow me, I have lost all the rights to initiate a conversation. I don't have anyone to talk to about this and I don't know how to solve this. A safe space is what everyone deserves and I don't know how to help create one anymore.

Shit. I really went and outdid it this time. Should have kept my mouth shut. But I still don't believe that I should have kept it shut. I still believe in telling it. Those 30 seconds...were they courageous or stupid?

Musings of the day

Musings:

You know what I will accept? The fact that it wasn't enough for the sigmoid function to give the output as 1. But don't you stand there and tell me that it was a flat 0. It sounds desperate and it probably is, but how can I be so wrong all the time? How can my parameters for evaluation and assessment be so far off that it has always been misunderstood or misconstrued?

I know curation of a personality that will perfectly fit with the expectation of the other person is a normal and expected trait of an ADHD but was it really all that it was? Did I fail to see through this pretense? Not even a glimmer of lapse on this front? Or it could very well be that I only saw the portions that would fit in line with my expectations.

What I still don't get is people's expectation of similarity. No, obviously two different humans cannot have the same point of view or have all their interests align. Even if it did, is it even the right metric for evaluation? Wouldn't I want the other person to hold themselves to a standard that I would aspire towards? Wouldn't  I want the other person to have the potential for growth and ability to have open-mindedness over sharing the same interests. Actually, now that I write it, both do matter, but surely they can't be such detractors in case of a mismatch?

I can't guarantee the future, but how does one show that one is willing to see it through? Through thick and thin? The hard part, to stay and figure it out? I don't know what other ways can I prove my diligence and the very fact that I am thinking of projecting it makes me feel like a fraud who is faking it. These things are ingrained in a person's psyche and in the end it is a matter of reading people and trusting them.

WHY ARE WE SO AFRAID OF TRUST? Why are we so afraid of taking a decision and living through the consequences?

I made the mistake again: The RC Chapter

It happened again. I went and made another mistake. I fell for somebody who clearly wasn't into me. Just because they were kind and extroverted, I took it incorrectly. I mistook a nice human being for one that would be interested in me.
It wasn't that the signs weren't there. All the signs were clear as daylight. No, not the ones that would point towards her being into me, but the other way around. Signs that clearly stated that I was nothing more than just a friend. The constant jabs, the clear stories on the past where introverts have mistook her, the fact that she wasn't interested in most men because they didn't understand her background and many more.

Well, I would like to give some grand explanation as to why my data analysis pointed towards interest from her end, but to be fair, it would be BS and just me trying to find data to fit my narrative.

Also, I would like to apologize to the higher powers out here for setting out on this path. I would like to apologize for causing trouble and making a person think twice about being nice to anybody else in the future. I did not want to reinforce that men are stupid (NO, I never crossed any lines...EVER!) but having feelings when clearly the other side was not interested was stupid on my end.

I would also like to argue on my behalf and remind that emotions are generally not in control of humans. Humans have historically done stupid things and I would like to continue that trend. I am not ashamed that I fell for the person but ashamed that I saw the data and yet wasn't strong enough to overcome my emotions with rationality.

For the past few weeks before the eventual confrontation about the matter, I was pretty wound up. I was overthinking, anxious all the time, letting small things get to me. I was spiralling out of control.

Today, once this discussion was over, once she clarified that there was nothing, not even a single percent of interest from her side and that call ended, I am surprisingly at peace. I have been here before. I have made mistakes before. This I hope I can handle. I have been rejected multiple times before, this is not new. Obviously, my background, my height issue, my personality in general is going to be the deal breaker .

A simple question can be posed, what was that about her that I liked? Simple really.
I fell for the intellectual connection. The banter, the ability to speak without talking, to exchange a look and get what the other meant, even understand the unspoken insult that was hurled by one person to another. We fought (playfully). Like cats and dogs. All the time. Argued. Annoyed the hell out of each other. Yet, after two minutes we would be back to talking terms and in another two minutes we would go back to annoying each other. Rinse and repeat. Maybe to extroverts or other people it isn't a big deal. For me, however, this level of intellectual connection is rare. We thought similarly. We reacted the same way and dealt with things the same way. I didn't have to think about she would react, I would just trust her. I know this was pretty one-sided and assumed by me, but I thought this was a big and rare deal.

Maybe (I know) I think too much. I give too much weightage to emotional connection. Not many people do, not even the one I thought would do in this case. I was wrong. I have been wrong before and in the matters of the heart, I am mostly wrong all the time.

I liked the fact that she was forgiving and let my mistakes go. I could be real with her and she would accepting of the same. I cannot go as far as claiming if she was being real with me, although I would like to hope that I created enough of a safe space for her or anybody to talk to me without being guarded.

I am sorry that I complicated it. I do not know how to actually convey how sorry I am that I caused somebody else mental or emotional pain.

Sometimes doubts do creep into my mind given the fact that we would still each other at work whether I am making the other person uncomfortable. Again, let me re-iterate that I did not do anything untoward or crossed a line, just admitted to having a crush. That's it.

During the discussion, there was a part where I said, "I called out my feelings because I wasn't strong enough to deal with it myself." I don't believe in this statement. I believe in the fact that I felt something about it strongly enough to call it out, however, I also need to be mature enough to accept that it wasn't reciprocated. I really need to figure out if I can improve the process. I would like to assume that it takes some guts to call out what you believe in and handle the fallout maturely, but I can be wrong.

Is it a sign of weakness to be vulnerable? To admit to doing things incorrectly and asking for help? I don't know a lot of things and I am supposed to pretend that I know what am I doing?
I used to think there was merit in feigned intelligence and knowledge but now I no longer believe in it. I believe it is okay to look like a fool to the world. I don't get why we are so worked up over protecting an image of a perfect person who has no flaws. It took me a long time to wear my weirdness on my sleeve. I now push who am in terms of my weird interests first and then the rest. I am still the same person, or try to be at least. I don't have malice but I don't think people think of the same of me. I can't control that part and I don't want to be misunderstood, but I would rather have my conscience be clean over words.

How was I wrong in all of this?

I felt insulted. It wasn't the first time. It is always hidden inside jokes. The subtle. The ones which were snide and ugly on the inside but corporate enough to be harmless looking on the outside.

I called it out. I made it known that I did not appreciate it. The mistake I made was not being staunch enough about it. I was apologetic about it. This was used to my advantage. This was used to pin it back on me. The conclusion that was derived from the discussion was that it was my incorrect assumption and overthinking.

Ya right, bro! I don't have enough of a spine to call it out. But I am not stupid enough to actually believe the manipulation, don't worry. I know what I said. I don't think  I put it incorrectly and with passage of time, I don't regret what I did, just that I didn't stand up enough for myself.

The best poem I have read in a while

 I am Google Maps and I am in therapy by @viplavwrites

"So... how are you feeling today?" 
the therapist asks, 
pen hovering over paper like it's waiting for me to crash again.

"I don't know,"
I say.
"I guess I'm lost. 
Ironic, I know. 
Or just burnt out from always knowing the way."
She nods.
I tell her about the pressure.
How I have to sound confident 
even when I know the road is flooded.
How I reign in my seething rage 
and keep rerouting 
for the ones who don't listen anyway.
How they blame me 
for the traffic, the potholes, the wrong turns.

I tell her
about the couple who broke up 
mid-commute.
I had to keep giving directions 
pretending like nothing happened 
while she cried in the passenger seat 
and he pretended like nothing was wrong.
I tell her about the time
I took someone to a 'Ring shop near me' 
and to the nearest pawn shop shortly after.

I can't find the courage to tell her 
about the guy who missed someone's last breath 
because he trusted my quickest route.
It still haunts me-
The loud smacks on the steering wheel 
and the silence that followed 
while I rambled on, 'your destination is on the left' 
like an insensitive prick.

I feel the weight of lies they tell.
About reaching in 5 
when we are still an hour away.
About heavy traffic
when it's blue all the way.
About knowing shortcuts
when they don't.
About being at the pickup point
when they aren't.

But not all days are bad.
I like it when they share
Live Locations with a loved one at midnight.
I like telling them their loved one is home.
I enjoy being ignored
when they take the longer route
after a date.
I love revisiting cafes, book stores and theatres 
almost ritualistically.

I tell her
I can't remember the last time someone
actually 'reached' a destination.
Everyone's in a rush 
to leave where they are.
No one knows where they're going (clearly).
Sometimes, I wish 
they'd just stay 
somewhere. 
Anywhere.

She writes something down.
Then says, 
"You're not broken. 
You're just exhausted 
from carrying too many people 
who can't carry themselves."
She may be right.
But I don't want to quit.
I just want someone to say
"We have arrived."
And mean it.

Waiting..

Waiting...

But for what?

For those three seconds of euphoria that will help justify every pain that you had to go through?

What happens after those three seconds?
What thoughts and realities strike us?
What responsibilities bound us and remind us of the chain that is tied to our ankles?

Are we ever going to be free?
What really is freedom?
If you bring about anarchy, will you be free or just ignorant of the needs of others?

When you are free, are you letting people down or shrugging off your responsibilities?

Written ages ago and  found while rummaging through my old laptop

I am and will forever remain "NOT GOOD ENOUGH"

You know what struck me today after losing another person that I hoped (but did I?) would turn out to be important...I always look to understand a person (obviously I am not without faults) and the other person always looks to match a checklist.

Sadly, I never quite stack up to their wishlist, quite literally and metaphorically. This is now the third time I wasn't tall enough for them. It is not like I can do something about it. I can understand why nobody would ever want a compromise like me.

I can understand why nobody would ever in their right mind choose me...I am short (since it has been previously used by people), I am weird, my head is a mess and I have a way of functioning that is frowned upon by society, mainly because it doesn't fit in a box.

I know it is all coming from a place of hurt and contrary to what I am writing, deep inside, all I would like anyone to show is even a fraction of care and affection that I show these people who either trivialise it or reject it outright. I long to be cared for the way I care. I long to feel like somebody would actually care for me, check in with me and hold space for me.

When I finished my undergrad, I had the simple excuse that I never tried, but now that I have finished masters, worked for a couple of years and been rejected from all avenues possible and nearly 30 it is a clear sign that I am unwanted and not worthy. Why would anyone bother over baggage that was rejected by everyone else? I wouldn't blame them...It just hurts.

I even think back to SB. I am in the position she was back then. I did show unconditional care back then and was still not good enough. 

Am I not worthy of something conditional even? A morsel? A trinket? Something? Anything? Anyone? Am I that bad a person? 

I guess if the data points to it, then it must be true.

Staring into the abyss and screaming into the void

Back at that dark place

Things have been pretty bad mentally these last few weeks and the shitty part is that I tell myself that I am not allowed to feel this given the insanely privileged position I am in. The weight of it all has been getting to me. People pleasing is draining me out. I am in a very bad headspace and the grind is slowly and surely withering me away.

The same thought whirling around and around: I am not worthy. Nobody could ever want me. I am just a burden. People tolerate me and it has never been the case that I have actively been chosen for what I am...they just happen to be compromising in the rare event that they decide to bother having me.

I am guessing that the heightened insecurity is because the avenues have closed down (online) and that last bit of hope has died. To gnaw at that scab, having a socially extroverted friend is draining and a constant reminder of all my insecurities: I am short, I am ugly, going bald, I am a failure, nobody likes me, I am annoying, I am narcissistic and make everything about me. It is not just a particular thing that is said, although a lot is said about me, but the fact that it is now a proven pattern and has even historical data to back it, going back over a decade.

To be fair, RC was never going to happen and it is my mistake to take attention for anything beyond. Am I that desperate? Should I want this less from another person? Do I not respect myself even 0.1% for me to not accept this morsel? Why do I do this to myself?

Why do I people please to the point where I am bending over backward, unwarrantedly, to the point I am setting expectations of reciprocation that the other person never agreed to or was even aware of? This is definitely my issue. I need to course correct. I need to recharge my soul.

It has been bad before and is bad now, but that doesn't mean that I cannot survive. Over time hopefully it gets better. My head stops being my enemy, but even if it doesn't, I hope I can get used to this feeling and learn to adapt.

Not all of us get what we want. At every juncture, I have never got the things I was originally aiming for. Most of the time eventually, I have been helped by a superior power to get to the place I needed to be. This sucks but I don't think I deserve anything more and am pretty lucky to even have gotten here.

Emotions are weird

Humans are weird. 

That is a fact. How our emotions work is even weirder.

Currently, I am reeling from a unreciprocated wave of emotion that is wreaking havoc in my control systems. 

My behaviour generally pushes people away and anytime someone sees through that BS, I mistake it as affection which could be nothing more than kindness. I have made this mistake before hence my blanket reaction to this has always been that I am wrong and I will contain my emotion to let the feeling pass, regardless of all the chaos it is causing in me. My heart would like to believe that this time it is different, my brain blanket applies the fact that it is never the case and I will never be good enough for anybody, which slowly but surely is the overarching feeling that every other fibre of my being is coming to terms to and has accepted as axiom.

Damn dude...it is pretty bad

It is a recurring feeling, indeed but some days it hits harder than the rest.

I have always been a loner and still am. Nobody ever stayed. I have been lucky to have great people and family around me, but in the personal front, damn yo...I am pretty old and never really had a long termer.

How much of it can be attributed to my own behaviour? A lot! But does than explain away the situation in its entireity. Not even close. Some of it has also been bad luck. Most of it, by design (read: the way I behave), I end up attracting the wrong set of people.

I am guilty of referencing the fact that if it doesn't happen, I am okay alone, but damn dude, some days it feels real bad. Thankfully, I have family around me which softens the blow, but pretty soon I won't have that safeguard as well and I am not sure I am strong enough to handle that. I truly believe in the philosophy that since our lives are so insignificant, we need a witness to feel like we are actually not so. A witness to share the highs, the lows, to just not be reminded of our insignificant worth in the cosmos. The right person can make the world revolve around them and make you forget the cosmos. However, is it worth bending beliefs just to escape this feeling? Although, principles (or ethics) is a matter of convenience.

Only time will tell which way the sword falls, hooefully I make it out...and even if I don't, I hope the people that matter to me are not affected too much.

Another blog about Kol

What makes Kol special to me?

Sidenote: At this point this is a recurring topic everytime I come back home. Most of it might have been said before, but hopefully it captures perspective in different epochs.

I don't know what it is with Ggn, probably the tall buildings, the fancy cars, the expensive taste, but it makes one think in a single dimensional metric of financial return or wealth multiplication.

Kol has always been the studious city. Kol always was poetic. Creative. Artistic. People filled with kindness. People who took care of each other. Yes, we are a loud bunch but by no stretch of imagination do we hit each other or are heartless. Delhi NCR gives off that off-the-cuff brash and uncouth feeling.

As soon as I stepped into my chair back at home, I found the feeling that I have been missing for a while. The feeling of wanting to learn more. To read more. To expand my knowledge. To grow. To do more. To be more. To help out. To spread kindness in the world. I don't know if it is just Kol or the atmosphere of home or the upbringing that my parents gave me. But I was happy to rekindle that part of me that I thought had been trampled over by greed and other vices in Ggn. I don't want to chase money. I want to chase knowledge. I want to do good. But alas, all I have ever done with my life is chase money and have done nothing for anybody other than myself.

It is but action that defines us in the end. All I am is a bag of words. Words, well intentioned but nothing more useful or different from a person chasing self gain.

If I seem anxious, It is because I am, all the time...

These thoughts, the monologue, they never go away. They just grow louder as the day progresses and resets the next morning.  There are good days when the rate of increase in frequency of thoughts and negativity spewing from my internal voice is low, thus allowing for some work to get done. Then there are other days that just start like a marriage band constantly playing self-derogatory tunes at the highest decibel. Although, it is still not as bad as the days where it is just a soft constant murmur, a chant that never ends, a drone that is constant in every measure except it creeps up on you and slowly and surely gets inside your head, taking over anything else and soon occupying your entire mental bandwidth, rendering you effectively useless to get anything else done.

I am back in Kol today. It has been a while and also hasn't. I was here two months back but it was a whirlwind trip to attend Aman Chemical's marriage, hence I had little time to ponder and be in the present.

What's funny is that this was the first time I did not feel like I was coming back to my base location. The base location has now blurred, since people keep visiting more often in Ggn than everyone assembling back in Kol. Is it the beginning of the end of my connection with this place? God, I hope not. But even if this is an omen for an epochal transition, I am grateful for the time I had and the values that Kol instilled in me.

I hate the fact that I do not have the same sense of home when I landed today but I also wanted to dive deeper into this new emotion since I don't think I have felt this completely before. Does it mean that I no longer associate myself here? Does it mean that I no longer care about my parents at the same level? Does it mean that I have left it all behind and moved to greener pastures (pretty ironic since Ggn is anything but green)?

The brass tacks of the argument between cities is the values that it instills, not overtly but through body language. Everybody is in a rush (which is anywhere in the world to be fair) but what people are rushing through is different for Ggn vs Kol. Or maybe that I was in with the straggler crowd more often in Kol than in any other city. I got in a bus everyday morning for 4 years with different walks and stages of life but with a common drive, a drive to achieve something meaningful and lead a life with purpose, a purpose that not necessarily begins or ends with material gain.

To be fair, I don't think that is the case. On the flip side, it would also be true that I no longer feel that deeply about it. But does it mean that my allegiance has changed? No. Does it mean that I would be as ready to shift back to Kol as I was a couple of years' back? Not sure Does it mean that I am shunning my responsibilities? I hope not.

It hurts. Pretty bad.

Humans are such stupid beings. We are barely able to hold it all together and most of the time what is portrayed as logical is just a justification of underlying emotional driven actions.

I have given up on that thing. I keep telling myself that but I still find myself back on the platforms, although not deviating from my SOP, trying to find what I have been looking for. Obviously, the urgency for the same is reduced when I have family around me, but when they are not, given how pathetic I have become at sticking to my longer term goals and indisciplined I have become at learning, my mind seems to wander off.

Currently, it (my mind) seems to have gone back to making the mistake of becoming mystified at new things (as is usually the norm). I have been trying to talk it out of this feeling, but to no avail because being the ADHD it is, it has decided to hyperfocus on the said thing and ends up trying to find hints where there aren't any. That person has clarified through multiple statements that it just the good fun that ensues on a road trip that is the priority and not the people. Further clarity was given when there were multiple people being brought into the road trip, which sounded like a safeguard and a good precautionary measure.

I know that I shouldn't put my longing on somebody else. However, the mind does what the mind wants and right now it is pretty hurt and just looking for a place to rest on. It is hurt because it keeps getting reminded that it was never good enough for anybody to stay. The ones that matched my crazy, which is the BIGGEST selling point for me were the ones that were never available.

Actually, you know what, it REALLY BLOODY hurts. I try a lot to get everyone to feel at ease. Sounds entitled, yes, but I am being a sourpuss at the moment. I hate that after all these years, I am left standing with nothing. All that I ever did was for nothing.

Nobody wanted to stay. Nobody cared. Nobody fought for me. Nobody bothered to reciprocate the care I had shown them.

I keep fighting, yes. I hope I do. But with every iteration it gets more difficult. With every iteration, I lose a bit of myself and get colder. With every iteration, I reinforce the belief that I am not lovable or someone anyone would ever want to spend time with.

All these people that left, each one of them, their memories come back haunting me, messing with my head. I well up, and the constant statement that keeps cycling in my head: "Am I that bad a person?" "Am I that bad that nobody ever wanted to stay?" I gave my heart and soul to each one of them yet they just took it for granted and threw it by the wayside. MDS still hurts. SB hurts but it was not right anyways. SR hurts as well. Again, the vibe matched but it was never enough.

I WAS NEVER ENOUGH!

Still not doing the work that needs to be done

Self esteem isn't about others' praise but comes from proving to yourself that you can do something hard. Hard, not just because the external world is telling you so, but because deep inside you know you had to push yourself for this. Other people don't know you, they don't know the challenges that you had to overcome so why would you expect them to understand?

Getting swept up in the hype created by a big group of people (anything bigger than 3 is big for me) and their externalization is the worst thing I could ever do. I seem to have gone ahead and done it again. I hated and knew that I hated big groups, mostly because I feel the bond is superficial and high is an outcome of the need to expel silence in such a big group, which is pretty superficial and can never be replicated again and the chase for the same is a fruitless endeavour.

Purpose builds confidence more than validation ever could.

I seem to lack any clear sense of purpose right now. I know for a fact that I have been slipping, but instead of working on catching the slide, I have been engaging in mindless and meaningless pursuits in an effort to not work on the hard thing. I do not have the concentration power that lazier people have when they can get things done faster and in a more efficient, motivated as they may be on just getting back to their energy saving normal state.

Grateful for the mundane

Picture this. An hour-long round trip. Highway roads, mostly in pristine condition, mostly empty. From the society gate, go straight, take a left, go straight for another 5 kms till the toll booth. Slide right to join the flyover and take it all the way to the exit. Merge on to a slip road for another 5 kms. Take a left and then in another km, take the left towards the airport. Another 5ish kms of straight forward driving will lead you to the terminal where I had to drop off people. I did this twice in the past three days, both in the early hours of dawn. Sounds mundane and life draining right? I would have the same outlook if driving was my job and this was part of a routine that I would have to repeat without a choice hundreds of times in a week.

However, driving is just a passion. I don’t have to put pressure on it to earn a living out of it and can choose to enjoy by pushing hard on every acceleration or treat it like a chore and just get from point A to point B. This choice, combined with the fact that I am a car guy, combined with the fact that early in the morning roads are empty, means that I am able to just enjoy myself. I don’t have to be the fastest out there. I am not trying to set any records. I don’t need the most powerful car out there, for I couldn’t afford a semi-decent one to begin with.

What I can relish, is the fact that I get to do this. Knowing the next pothole. Knowing which is the right gear for the upcoming turn. Knowing which line will reduce bumps. When to lift off so as to arrive at the next corner at the right speed without heavy braking or with heavy braking depending on the mode of driving. 

Approach. Brake. Match rev. Downshift. Be in the power zone. Place the car correctly. Look towards the exit. Check for people doing stupid things around me. Power out. 

That’s it. That’s all that matters and that’s enough to recharge my soul. Post the high, think of what could have been done better. Did I shift too early? Was I in the right gear? How much more could I push in that corner? Did I dump the clutch too early? Did I start shifting without engaging the clutch completely? Notes made, corrections to be done for the next time. Fun!

I am grateful and super lucky to be in this position and while I hope I am not trying to hold on to it, this post is a reminder to myself to be in the moment and savour it.

Taking that next step

In the end, all this is just an excuse to do the work. To get somewhere, at my low level of intelligence, it is just sheer hard work that is required. Till that happens...

Pretty sure I have touched on this before, but hope (or hopium if you are a Ferrari fan) is a pretty powerful drug.

Hope that something changes.

Hope that it all works out.

Hope that somehow it will all make sense one day.

Hope that we are going to make it.

If you look at it from a rational POV, just in India, today we have over 140 Crores and whatever I will do (given my below average intelligence) can be done better and faster by over a crore people. Not to forget that there are enough people who are smarter and more deserving and have just been undone by sheer luck.

Whatever I maybe, it has very little to do with me and everything to the opportunities afforded to me by my parents and sheer luck of things working out in my favour.

However, you need a bit of hopium for you to get off the couch and get your rear to work.  You cannot be perfectly rational and also reach that next level. You need to believe, especially when the numbers and people around you are against it.

Notes from Hyd Trip -12th Feb 2025

Why holidays to a different city is good:
I hate taking time off - not like when I don't take any break, it makes any difference; I am very unproductive most of the time anyways

However, a different city, a decent place close to nature ( a lake, a park) with a market nearby (full of people of different walks of life) - that's my happy place to recharge - take a stroll, have a tea, observe some people, walk around in nature - it nourishes my soul

Always felt high society to be such a "mendokusai" - having people from different walks of life and the ability to stroll around and explore as something that is very important for me. It reminds me of the privilege I have in everyday situations and how the things that I take for granted are what more hardworking people yearn for and yet are unable to achieve.

I get too caught up in my head/plans but am unable to execute most of the times - stuck in a rut - just like my runs not improving if I over analyze - mandatory time off helps break the cycle - moreoever, I start a lot of things and leave them halfway


There is the logical side of it, as illustrated above but also a case to be made for a the soul-nourishing human side of it. I am insignificant. I will die. Nobody will (or is supposed to) remember how many early mornings I commuted to work or how much I put into every proposal that got rejected. I didn't do it for the validation. But fighting the good (or selfish and stubborn) fight does take its toll. It is okay to pause and reflect.
To remind myself that it is alright.
To remind myself of why I started in the first place.
To remind myself of how far I have come.
To remind myself of the people who matter (M,P,R,C,MJi,MMa,NNji)
To remind myself that I need to also do right by the people who matter
To remind myself that in the end, it is okay to forgive myself and also heal myself because only I truly know how far I have depleted myself and the onus lies on me to recharge and ask help if I am struggling.

This recharging sojourn also gives me more energy to regroup and work on my next step. There definitely needs to be one. However, the biggest takeaway is also the fact that I absolutely cannot do without planned breaks. No point going to the extreme from being well travelled to not travelling at all. I need to plan to explore because it is the very fuel that recharges me. However, it cannot become a crutch. I have to keep myself accountable, while also learning to let go.

I can't control everything. Hell, I can't control anything other than myself and even that I fail to do most of the time. I can't control how people will feel. I can't control how people will react to my behaviour or even understand my POV. Which is why I need to evaluate my decisions on a separate metric. A metric that is independent of people's reaction to my stand. I need to do what is right by those metrics, regardless of the resistance. However, it would be imprudent to tune feedback out.

Listen. Implement what is needed. Stand firm where required. Keep going. Don't forget the people and things that matter.

Thanks Alice for being there listening to my rants!

The Paradox of choice

From Trevor Noah's podcast with Simon Sinek: The paradox of choice. When we are constrained, we find better purpose, better drive, better community. But once you have choice, you always feel like you can do better or do something else which in turn leads to indecision and divide.

For me personally, it goes further to the point where I think that I have grown so accustomed to chaos that I can harly function properly unless I have impossible deadlines, a situation which forces prioritization.

Some days...

Some days are better than others. 

Then there are days where everything falls apart.

However, most days we are lost. 

Lost because we keep trying to search for meaning in the wrong places.

Lost because we keep trying to prioritize everything but our inner voice/ gut feeling.

..

..

Lost because, well, because I no longer have a purpose to help me streamline my actions.

Lost, because, well, my actions have led me to self-isolate.

Lost, because, I haven't given myself a proper break for a long time. I haven't sat myself down and just heard.

If I just read that one book, watch that one interesting episode, read that paper, finish that code, derive that analysis...somehow it will all fall into place...somehow I will deserve all the good luck that has recently fallen my way ..that someone that anxiety will go away.

But the fact remains that I feel unworthy, regardless of that next thing that my ADHD brain latches onto. Hence, the solution cannot be the next thing...cannot be doing more.

In my case, the solution only presents itself when slowing it down. Reducing the clutter. Doing less.

If only I could be a better friend to my own self.

Healing vs Burying

It has been a while since I have let anyone actually behind the curtain into my real personality. I have been hurting for a while. For the first six months at the new job, I kept my distance and didn't really connect with anyone. Today that changed.

However, the issue was not the connection, which I know is irrelevant and fleeting but the fact that it reminded me of how much the past still hurts. I thought that I had healed from all the paint that people left me with but I realized that they were just buried deep as a coping mechanism and came flooding back. All my insecurities. All the things I hate about myself. All the things that I am afraid of sharing.

The loud voice that keeps telling me that I am not enough. That I am weird and nobody wants to be friends with me. I know it all sounds easy to dismiss but if the voice is coming from your head itself, it is very hard to counter against it. I can't, on most days. It gets pretty bad.

Curiously as well, the question that gets raised is whether I am bringing up all these insecurities because for the first time in a long time I am sharing anything personal about myself. Not the facade, not the curated persona, but something that is de facto me and I want people to not judge. Over time, the facade has been curated to the level that I have created things that I hate about myself that I also want others to hate on and hence I don't mind sharing and getting picked on by others on this.

All in all, Alice...it has been a rough day because the voices in my head are getting louder.

The new workplace story

The amex story: 

People being diffn.

Skills: Everyone is good. How does it affect the dynamics?

What doesn't change: Discipline and getting shit done.  Incentivising. People need to be motivated. Ways and effective means can be different but largely people management remains something you need to do by actually hearing them out. Carrot and stick. Infinite leeway is just that...bad management. 

Just getting the best minds together doesn't automatically imply they will get shit done. Yes, inherently they are better at getting shit done but the right people management is still required.

Complacency and then some...

 I might act like I am trying to wage a war against complacency but in reality it is all window dressing, a desperate rouse created to fool thine own head into believing that actual effort is being made in becoming better and not just wasting time.

What really gets my goat on most days is when I doom scroll or switch between pointless apps, random anecdotes or anything that occupies head, wastes time and erodes intelligence.

What gets my goat even further is how I waste time when I have it and then make plans that I have no positive concrete effort towards achieving. How am I so okay with underperforming on a daily basis?

Is it my restlessness or why does my brain first prioritize taking a break and binging on mind numbing content over actually putting the effort and getting anything done? It is really laughable that some monstrous effort, put a long a time ago is something that deserves a break even after all these years. Just sucks that mind actually constructs and believes these lies.

Well, that just about sums up complacency and procrastination. I hope to be better than all this...sadly, I haven't.

What is balance?

Lights out Alice!

The dream place to work for many in terms of work life balance, as everyone keeps reminding me. However, I see it differently. I see it as a place where there is excess leisure and not enough incentive to think of solutions that push the mould or is inventive. I see a culture of complacency that is ingrained in maintaining the status quo, which is a surefire way of ending up behind the curve.

However, I will also be the first person to acknowledge that I do not do well in situations that are not overstimulating. I do not do well when everything is cozy, normal and functioning in a manner that is not shit on fire. Being an average student who never lived up to his potential, this situation is a perfect shitstorm that triggers my anxiety:

1. More than adequate work-life balance

2. Co-workers are super friendly and non-toxic

3.Co-workers are smart and the culture is built on intelligence rather than politics

All I am trying to say is that this is not the culture that suits a ADHD like me who likes being a cynic and always play the devil's advocate. I am the perfect breeding ground for perpetrating toxic hustle culture, but that is because I have long ingrained in myself the belief that if you are not pushing to improve, you are stagnating.

Which also brings me to the counter point. If everyone is so chilled out, is improvement on the cards or just maintaining the levels the priority, which over time will definitely leave things falling behind. As I write this, I also see the fact that I am just voicing the biggest fear and loudest voice in my head, which is becoming complacent and falling behind. I do see the wonders that a calmer environment can bring, but for a person like me, who needs to be 110% booked to function normally, this can exacerbate deep rooted fears.

Furthermore, I have a bit of time on my hands these days which led to this introspection. However, when I account for future commitments beyond work, I realize that this is effectively the max one can do while juggling a family and the responsibilities that come with it (or is it?)

Only time will tell Alice, but in any case, the answer shall present itself if the priorities are clear.

Here we go again...

Lights out Alice!

At this point in time, it is just the same pattern repeating itself.

1. Not having work which leads to a break in routine, which in turn leads to not getting anything done. All the big plans to improve, to work on my basic maths, gone to shit.

2. Having too many plans and to-dos leading to a spiral of being overwhelmed, realising how little I know, how much I need to know and how mediocre I will always remain.