It happened again. I went and made another mistake. I fell for somebody who clearly wasn't into me. Just because they were kind and extroverted, I took it incorrectly. I mistook a nice human being for one that would be interested in me.
It wasn't that the signs weren't there. All the signs were clear as daylight. No, not the ones that would point towards her being into me, but the other way around. Signs that clearly stated that I was nothing more than just a friend. The constant jabs, the clear stories on the past where introverts have mistook her, the fact that she wasn't interested in most men because they didn't understand her background and many more.
Well, I would like to give some grand explanation as to why my data analysis pointed towards interest from her end, but to be fair, it would be BS and just me trying to find data to fit my narrative.
Also, I would like to apologize to the higher powers out here for setting out on this path. I would like to apologize for causing trouble and making a person think twice about being nice to anybody else in the future. I did not want to reinforce that men are stupid (NO, I never crossed any lines...EVER!) but having feelings when clearly the other side was not interested was stupid on my end.
I would also like to argue on my behalf and remind that emotions are generally not in control of humans. Humans have historically done stupid things and I would like to continue that trend. I am not ashamed that I fell for the person but ashamed that I saw the data and yet wasn't strong enough to overcome my emotions with rationality.
For the past few weeks before the eventual confrontation about the matter, I was pretty wound up. I was overthinking, anxious all the time, letting small things get to me. I was spiralling out of control.
Today, once this discussion was over, once she clarified that there was nothing, not even a single percent of interest from her side and that call ended, I am surprisingly at peace. I have been here before. I have made mistakes before. This I hope I can handle. I have been rejected multiple times before, this is not new. Obviously, my background, my height issue, my personality in general is going to be the deal breaker .
A simple question can be posed, what was that about her that I liked? Simple really.
I fell for the intellectual connection. The banter, the ability to speak without talking, to exchange a look and get what the other meant, even understand the unspoken insult that was hurled by one person to another. We fought (playfully). Like cats and dogs. All the time. Argued. Annoyed the hell out of each other. Yet, after two minutes we would be back to talking terms and in another two minutes we would go back to annoying each other. Rinse and repeat. Maybe to extroverts or other people it isn't a big deal. For me, however, this level of intellectual connection is rare. We thought similarly. We reacted the same way and dealt with things the same way. I didn't have to think about she would react, I would just trust her. I know this was pretty one-sided and assumed by me, but I thought this was a big and rare deal.
Maybe (I know) I think too much. I give too much weightage to emotional connection. Not many people do, not even the one I thought would do in this case. I was wrong. I have been wrong before and in the matters of the heart, I am mostly wrong all the time.
I liked the fact that she was forgiving and let my mistakes go. I could be real with her and she would accepting of the same. I cannot go as far as claiming if she was being real with me, although I would like to hope that I created enough of a safe space for her or anybody to talk to me without being guarded.
I am sorry that I complicated it. I do not know how to actually convey how sorry I am that I caused somebody else mental or emotional pain.
Sometimes doubts do creep into my mind given the fact that we would still each other at work whether I am making the other person uncomfortable. Again, let me re-iterate that I did not do anything untoward or crossed a line, just admitted to having a crush. That's it.
During the discussion, there was a part where I said, "I called out my feelings because I wasn't strong enough to deal with it myself." I don't believe in this statement. I believe in the fact that I felt something about it strongly enough to call it out, however, I also need to be mature enough to accept that it wasn't reciprocated. I really need to figure out if I can improve the process. I would like to assume that it takes some guts to call out what you believe in and handle the fallout maturely, but I can be wrong.
Is it a sign of weakness to be vulnerable? To admit to doing things incorrectly and asking for help? I don't know a lot of things and I am supposed to pretend that I know what am I doing?
I used to think there was merit in feigned intelligence and knowledge but now I no longer believe in it. I believe it is okay to look like a fool to the world. I don't get why we are so worked up over protecting an image of a perfect person who has no flaws. It took me a long time to wear my weirdness on my sleeve. I now push who am in terms of my weird interests first and then the rest. I am still the same person, or try to be at least. I don't have malice but I don't think people think of the same of me. I can't control that part and I don't want to be misunderstood, but I would rather have my conscience be clean over words.
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