Never taunt fate. Never make the claim that I will face the pain when it comes because when it came, oh boy!
It hit me like a train. It reminded me that I had gotten too comfortable. It reminded me that I gave too much of myself to make room for the person who didn't reciprocate at the same level.
I am a mess right now. I am not okay. It sucks that I have been here before and I thought this time I could deal with it better, but this time, in a long list of previous such occurences, is way worse.
Circumstances wise, this time I still have to go back and see that person every other day. We still share some similar circles
Mostly because I had gotten too complacent and thought I could brute force it. Mostly because I forgot my tools and thought I could just "get over it".
Mostly because I kept hanging on and replaying it in my head when I should have forced myself to stop.
Mostly because I broke my routines, things that keep me sane, to make time for the other and now that the person is gone, I am a broken mess who is finding it difficult to get back to feeling okay in any remote sense of the world.
Why am I lingering and why is this time way more difficult?
Context: The pattern repeated itself. Gotten close. Next thing I know, it is all over. In an instant. Poof.
I keep replaying it, wanting to believe that she hurt me and went away like it never meant a thing. Every 10 minutes I keep replaying all the good times we shared, all the fun we had frollicking around and how this time, I had more breadcrumbs of affection than ever before.
What I quietly put aside is that there was never any feeling of a romantic angle to it from her end, just platonic and the fact that their wiring forces them to go above and beyond in making the other person comfortable.
What I quietly try to supress is that I was the one that went for that embrace, that misread the situation and thought that she was coming back and that there was some affection there.
What also infuriates me is that I didn't get to say sorry. I didn't get to hear the other side. That person just chose to shut me out and gloss over the incident without a debrief on it. Just abandon without closure. While I also ask myself what closure I was looking for when there is clearly zero interest. I think I was looking for her to clearly delineate where I crossed lines. I was looking for her to admit that I wasn't entirely wrong about her feelings.
I think I was simply looking to soothe my ego that I wasn't wrong about her interest in me. I was. She was never interested in me. I was forcing it and she did the things she did out of courtesy and the kind person she is.
I think I simply hated being wrong.
I know I am confusing loneliness with attraction.
I know I am making the situation worse for myself by clinging onto it.
I have realized I have anxious attachment pattern, I get attached too quickly, do too much for them and then hurt myself too much in the process.
I am broken. I am in a million pieces right now. All my tools have been dismantled. I don't even have the energy to bring myself to fake a smile. I have no projects to help me keep myself on track. I have a job where I am not respected and it is a so-so situation. I am isolating myself from any kind of social interaction. I am sorry for worrying my parents as they can see I am lost and hurting but they can do very little to help me.
Higher powers and Alice, I don't know if I will ever make it back from here or is there a deeper pit that I will fall into soon. I hope I survive because I don't think I have the power in me to fall further.
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