Self esteem isn't about others' praise but comes from proving to yourself that you can do something hard. Hard, not just because the external world is telling you so, but because deep inside you know you had to push yourself for this. Other people don't know you, they don't know the challenges that you had to overcome so why would you expect them to understand?
Getting swept up in the hype created by a big group of people (anything bigger than 3 is big for me) and their externalization is the worst thing I could ever do. I seem to have gone ahead and done it again. I hated and knew that I hated big groups, mostly because I feel the bond is superficial and high is an outcome of the need to expel silence in such a big group, which is pretty superficial and can never be replicated again and the chase for the same is a fruitless endeavour.
Purpose builds confidence more than validation ever could.
I seem to lack any clear sense of purpose right now. I know for a fact that I have been slipping, but instead of working on catching the slide, I have been engaging in mindless and meaningless pursuits in an effort to not work on the hard thing. I do not have the concentration power that lazier people have when they can get things done faster and in a more efficient, motivated as they may be on just getting back to their energy saving normal state.
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