It hurts. Pretty bad.

Humans are such stupid beings. We are barely able to hold it all together and most of the time what is portrayed as logical is just a justification of underlying emotional driven actions.

I have given up on that thing. I keep telling myself that but I still find myself back on the platforms, although not deviating from my SOP, trying to find what I have been looking for. Obviously, the urgency for the same is reduced when I have family around me, but when they are not, given how pathetic I have become at sticking to my longer term goals and indisciplined I have become at learning, my mind seems to wander off.

Currently, it (my mind) seems to have gone back to making the mistake of becoming mystified at new things (as is usually the norm). I have been trying to talk it out of this feeling, but to no avail because being the ADHD it is, it has decided to hyperfocus on the said thing and ends up trying to find hints where there aren't any. That person has clarified through multiple statements that it just the good fun that ensues on a road trip that is the priority and not the people. Further clarity was given when there were multiple people being brought into the road trip, which sounded like a safeguard and a good precautionary measure.

I know that I shouldn't put my longing on somebody else. However, the mind does what the mind wants and right now it is pretty hurt and just looking for a place to rest on. It is hurt because it keeps getting reminded that it was never good enough for anybody to stay. The ones that matched my crazy, which is the BIGGEST selling point for me were the ones that were never available.

Actually, you know what, it REALLY BLOODY hurts. I try a lot to get everyone to feel at ease. Sounds entitled, yes, but I am being a sourpuss at the moment. I hate that after all these years, I am left standing with nothing. All that I ever did was for nothing.

Nobody wanted to stay. Nobody cared. Nobody fought for me. Nobody bothered to reciprocate the care I had shown them.

I keep fighting, yes. I hope I do. But with every iteration it gets more difficult. With every iteration, I lose a bit of myself and get colder. With every iteration, I reinforce the belief that I am not lovable or someone anyone would ever want to spend time with.

All these people that left, each one of them, their memories come back haunting me, messing with my head. I well up, and the constant statement that keeps cycling in my head: "Am I that bad a person?" "Am I that bad that nobody ever wanted to stay?" I gave my heart and soul to each one of them yet they just took it for granted and threw it by the wayside. MDS still hurts. SB hurts but it was not right anyways. SR hurts as well. Again, the vibe matched but it was never enough.

I WAS NEVER ENOUGH!