Staring into the abyss and screaming into the void

Back at that dark place

Things have been pretty bad mentally these last few weeks and the shitty part is that I tell myself that I am not allowed to feel this given the insanely privileged position I am in. The weight of it all has been getting to me. People pleasing is draining me out. I am in a very bad headspace and the grind is slowly and surely withering me away.

The same thought whirling around and around: I am not worthy. Nobody could ever want me. I am just a burden. People tolerate me and it has never been the case that I have actively been chosen for what I am...they just happen to be compromising in the rare event that they decide to bother having me.

I am guessing that the heightened insecurity is because the avenues have closed down (online) and that last bit of hope has died. To gnaw at that scab, having a socially extroverted friend is draining and a constant reminder of all my insecurities: I am short, I am ugly, going bald, I am a failure, nobody likes me, I am annoying, I am narcissistic and make everything about me. It is not just a particular thing that is said, although a lot is said about me, but the fact that it is now a proven pattern and has even historical data to back it, going back over a decade.

To be fair, RC was never going to happen and it is my mistake to take attention for anything beyond. Am I that desperate? Should I want this less from another person? Do I not respect myself even 0.1% for me to not accept this morsel? Why do I do this to myself?

Why do I people please to the point where I am bending over backward, unwarrantedly, to the point I am setting expectations of reciprocation that the other person never agreed to or was even aware of? This is definitely my issue. I need to course correct. I need to recharge my soul.

It has been bad before and is bad now, but that doesn't mean that I cannot survive. Over time hopefully it gets better. My head stops being my enemy, but even if it doesn't, I hope I can get used to this feeling and learn to adapt.

Not all of us get what we want. At every juncture, I have never got the things I was originally aiming for. Most of the time eventually, I have been helped by a superior power to get to the place I needed to be. This sucks but I don't think I deserve anything more and am pretty lucky to even have gotten here.