This is the end. Written. Clarified for the last time. Goodbyes told.
It hurt so much. I couldn't figure it out as to why it was messing with my head so much. Why I looping so bad. Why I was hurting so bad and forcing her to give me another chance or begging her to reconsider. I get she would have been a great person, I get she has no reason to settle for a person like me but I couldn't put my finger on why I kept trying to go back.
Till I found the reason why. I was embarassed. Embarassed on being rejected. Embarassed to think I was not good enough. That I would never be good enough for her regardless of whatever I did. I felt that if only I could correct that particular flaw in me or show that side in me that I was hiding I could be good enough. That she would change her mind. That I would not be rejected again.
I was embarassed at the thought of being laughed at. Again. By a group of people. This fear showed up in holding on long after I should have let go. I was afraid that since it is someone I have to see again, whenever we cross paths, it would be a judgement of some sorts, a reminder of my failure, of not being good enough for her. Simply put, anxiety fueled by insecurities that I have still not accepted in myself, primary among them being not tall enough (been rejected by quite a few over this and it is now a PTSD). I was afraid that whenever she would judge a person for not being good enough, I would be the benchmark for that list and that the laugh on the person being judged would first imply the delusion I was under thinking I was good enough for her.
Is it the people pleaser in me?
Is it the fact that I crave acceptance?
Is it the fact that I haven't felt this understood in a long time?
Or is it simply that I never had a gf? That I feel rejected?
I was afraid.
Afraid of being laughed at by everybody.
Afraid of being the butt of the jokes.
Afraid of hurting someone I cared about.
But mostly afraid of being laughed at for thinking I could be a good fit for her.
This led to spiralling anxiety. What if she told others and they would laugh as well? What if she became uncomfortable because of me and had to leave jobs? What if I made her mistrust people and draw her walls up higher?
How would I survive office? How I survive common outings? Could this ever become normal?
What if I could not face her? What if I had to take work from home and what if this affected my work?
This led to me thinking I could never stop hurting. That this would only get worse.
That I had compromised on building my own future and habits so much that I could never get back on the wagon.
That I could never rebuild myself.
That I wasted my time.
I thought I had forgotten how to live with myself.
I thought I needed to fill my time with more things.
I thought silence would be deafening.
I thought I needed more Projects. More Passion. More Purpose.
I tried that for a while. I tried surrounding myself with more people and more work. More activites and hobbies. Trying new things. Driving to new and far off places. Sadly, it had the inverse effect. Any fleeting moment of silence would make me freefall. All I could think about is her and how to get her to accept me. How I can change to meet her wherever she was and at whatever level of friendship she would accept me at, even if it was friendzoned. That way at least I could get to be around her.
That was pretty stupid of me. I was becoming clingy and afraid to let go.
I was aware of this behavioural pattern, but didn't know it had become this bad. She put an end to it.
As long as I do not go back to begging for attention from her and control that urge to text her, hopefully I will make it through. I know bad days will be there and I will relapse, but I hope I do not relapse into talking to her again.
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