It is only 8am but the feeling has kicked in that today is going to be a bad day. Delayed processing means that I don't feel the pain on the day it happens (beyond a certain extent) and am able to block it out. Today is the fourth day since the incident and now that withdrawal has kicked in, the pain comes flooding back in along with any and all associated bad thoughts, all made worse by insecurities looping in my head:
"I will never be good enough", "I am too short", "Why would anyone waste their time with me", "I am far too complicated", "I am not a fun person to hang out with", "I am too serious all the time", "I am full of shite and big talk and have never done anything of substance"
When these days happen, it is just a constant downward spiral. Group discussions trigger me, every little comment sends me into the abyss. I can be sitting with family but just looping in my head. Realizing how I have always been made fun of, been ostracized, never felt like I belong or that my opinions are valued. To be fair, this is normal of any family and of any youngest child, but on these days, the minor grievances lead to death by a thousand cuts.
Update: The next day
As usual, I claim that I know how to handle pain and then when the pain actually comes, It feels like it is ripping across you and it humbles you to the point where you reassess your claims all while knowing very well that it is just a matter of getting through it and coming out on the other side. I had felt this kind of loneliness in a crowd once before when we travelled to Sikkim in our management trainee group. There were over a dozen of us, but none of them were friends with me and none of them bothered to get real (although it was my fault for pushing people away).
Throughout this Udaipur trip, because there was an external party deciding the places to visit, it sort of felt like a downstream flow of water in a river, in which one has no control other than the gravitational pull downstream. However, I am happy that there were moments where I did stop to stare at the beauty that surrounds, especially in the mundane.
I have absolutely no interest in opulence, a minor interest in architecture and the rest of my interest in split between nature and driving. However, I have a set protocol (let's not talk about why I am like this) on how to explore a new city. I want to walk. Not the tall buildings or the fancy malls or the high society restaurants. I want to walk the narrow streets. I want to walk the residential areas. I want the makeshift roadside tea stalls. Not because I
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