Sadly, I never quite stack up to their wishlist, quite literally and metaphorically. This is now the third time I wasn't tall enough for them. It is not like I can do something about it. I can understand why nobody would ever want a compromise like me.
I can understand why nobody would ever in their right mind choose me...I am short (since it has been previously used by people), I am weird, my head is a mess and I have a way of functioning that is frowned upon by society, mainly because it doesn't fit in a box.
I know it is all coming from a place of hurt and contrary to what I am writing, deep inside, all I would like anyone to show is even a fraction of care and affection that I show these people who either trivialise it or reject it outright. I long to be cared for the way I care. I long to feel like somebody would actually care for me, check in with me and hold space for me.
When I finished my undergrad, I had the simple excuse that I never tried, but now that I have finished masters, worked for a couple of years and been rejected from all avenues possible and nearly 30 it is a clear sign that I am unwanted and not worthy. Why would anyone bother over baggage that was rejected by everyone else? I wouldn't blame them...It just hurts.
I even think back to SB. I am in the position she was back then. I did show unconditional care back then and was still not good enough.
Am I not worthy of something conditional even? A morsel? A trinket? Something? Anything? Anyone? Am I that bad a person?
I guess if the data points to it, then it must be true.
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