The truth of life

Lights out Alice!

So much of our life is spend living in an illusion. Of wealth. Of happiness. Of growth. Of career.

We rarely focus on the things that matter or the real things. People are withering. People are lonely. People are sad. They are crying. We ignore these on the pretense that it is just how life is and we are supposed to go on. But tell me, I am sitting here in a separate room, watching the people I care the most about in severe emotional pain and having nothing to look forward in their life. They are miserable and they are barely able to hide it. And I am supposed to just forget all this in front of me and pretend that everything is fine?

My board members are getting old. Retirement is not suiting one and not having any kids at home is affecting the other. Most days are boring, some are downright miserable. Kids don't have time or patience when they call and all they end up doing is talking superficially while trying to hide their pain and turmoil of a dreary everyday existence. One of them is usually the one that keeps their calm when there is no third person in the house which is no easy feat. To bottle all the criticism, mostly vitriol, born out of rage that the other person had no contribution in creating, day in and day out requires a lot of patience. But everyone breaks. People like this who bottle a lot, when they break, they break spectacularly. There is fireworks and everything in their way in that particular moment is fair game.

My job requires me to live far away from them. Their right upbringing has given me the opportunity to stand on my two legs and earn. They made me who I am and not they are the ones who have been left behind. I still hear sobs of wailing in the other room. This has nothing to do with the outburst that occurred less than half an hour ago. It is just a culmination of emotions, mostly circling around the fact that their kid will go away in a few days and it will be just them again, with nothing in their lives to pass the time. Retirement, I tell you, is the real disease here. Not having something specific to do everyday leads to the situation where people have too much time and nothing to direct their attention to. No grandkids, no kids to send to school or office, no office. Nothing to get them out of bed. Slowly and surely, routines start withering, motivation starts wavering. You take that one extra hour to get up from bed, initially telling yourself that you are doing it out of the freedom that lack of responsibility offers. Later you realize that you have just been lying to yourself. The reality is that you no longer have the drive, the motivation to do anything since the issues that used to press for your attention previously are no longer there and a habit that was built over the past two decades now no longer drives your life. You are lost, but more importantly, you are now old and unwilling to start from scratch all over again to develop new habits, patterns or friends.

A vagabond life indeed

Lights out Alice!

As a kid growing up, there was a part of that believed that a job involving travel to different places all year round would be the coolest thing. Well, years on, I am currently living this life and my dear past me, remember that little part of you that was yelling from far back that this would suck. Guess what, he was sort of right. Let me elaborate, but before that let me recap my 2023:

Jan - Feb - Gurgaon with travel to my sister's place and back; don't forget long distance cycling, especially to the remote hill outside of Gurgaon near Faridabad without informing anyone that was dangerous as hell and I had zero cellphone service.

Feb - May - Kolkata with a trip to Gurgaon for Convocation. Pretty difficult to adapt from a million miles an hour pace that is MBA to the waiting game that is the lull before joining a job. Add to this a turbulent personal headspace with my inability to keep my calm and not get angry and lose my cool. Add to this a job offer that took up a lot of time in preparation and abruptly vanished.

June - July - Mumbai - Grant Road with evening travel to Vashi. Pretty much the hotel stay with the sweetest view ever. Surrounded by skyscrapers, Krishna Palace Hotel has pretty much the most stonking views of the luxury life in Mumbai. There was a certain calm that I felt having a room with a view of the ocean, the entire south Mumbai landscape as well as the night sky littered with stars.

August - Mumbai - Gurgaon - Sikkim/ Rangpo - Gangtok - Kolkata - Rangpo and then Mumbai- The factory visit was pretty spectacular in terms of the view it provided and entirely polar opposite in terms of the work level satisfaction. The job sucked pretty bad, but since my board of directors kept reminding me that this is supposed to be a training exercise and pointless by definition.

September - Mumbai and Navi Mumbai - Finding a place and furnishing it exercise- Andheri - The year long search for a suitable place was going horribly wrong before a stroke of luck and poetic turn of events where I walked into the broker's shop I joked about last year during internship as the one that would help me find a place. How funny it is that I ended up finding a place to stay in the same locality as my internship period. What's even luckier is that the place is stonkingly clean, the society pretty decent and location pretty much a stone's throw away from the bus stop and the airport. 

October - IB Stint - In 10 days - Nasik - Aurangabad - Pune - Vishakhapatnam - Chennai - Pondicherry - Back to Mumbai

- Also met a person that was special to me who ended up saying goodbye even though her eyes didn't want to. I don't think I will be getting over her anytime soon and damn dude, who could have thunk it that a person of her league would ever be interested in a shitter like me. She ended it, but she left me broken in a million pieces. I don't resent it, but it definitely hurts.

November - Domain Stint - In 10 days again - Ahmednagar - Jalna - Beed - Mumbai - Varansi - Gorakhpur - Azamgarh - Jaunpur - Varanasi - Mirzapur - Varansi Dev diwali - Mumbai

That was pretty crazy, so much so that in between I did need to recharge and slow down but I did get through it. Sadly, my bosses didn't think that the survey exercise, which was pointless in the first place was done to the required extent.

December - Survey part 2 - In 4 days - Mumbai - Ahmednagar - Beed - Solapur - Back to Mumbai

Mumbai to Kolkata and Back

December - Visiting Home - Kolkata and back - Not before messing up my flight and having to pay an exorbitant amount last minute for the mess up. Plus having little to no patience when it comes to my home situation. Forgetting that there is a reality that I had to live with for a while and nuking a situation doesn't get anything done. In the end, people cannot be forced to listen to what I would consider facts, just because I am uncomfortable in dealing with different people and their beliefs.

That's a lot of travel Alice although I can guarantee that I have not reached anywhere in life or made any real progress!

State of affairs, connected with a movie

 Lights out Alice!

Movie that I really connected with because I was going through: Elemental

"Embrace the light while it burns, because it won't last forever"

Why did this movie move me so much when it is essentially just another feel good romantic animation with a happy ending? Pretty much the run of the mill plot, but the execution is what made it stand out. The way different elements (I know, bad pun) had their environment moulded according to their needs, wherein it all made sense and even though on first take it would be confusing, on further analysis, made me go ah-ha.

Also there is a personal context that should account for an additional 30% increase in likeness.

• Recently heartbroken (see for ref: M.S. edition).
• Circumstances were pretty similar to the movie plot, except that we did not have a happy ending. We were two people who were worlds apart in their upbringing, but two souls who connected when they met. 
• Currently reading Creativity Inc., by Ed Catmull, who was the founder of Pixar and this book is pretty much exactly my type of reading; personal anecdotes with hindsight analysis on what can be attributed to good, bad, wrong, right and the downright lucky. 

The longing for belonging

Lights out Alice!

Now before you going harping about how the title is grammatically incorrect, I know it is, but it was done so that it rhymes.

Coming back, let's re-establish some baselines before we begin the brain-drudgery for today.

I am an ADHD. I am an introvert who has never been in a relationship and has been rejected six straight times to which I conclude that I probably don't know healthy habits and end up caring too much and holding on for too long, which shows up as clingy or desperate. I am also weird, but that's just innate me because I don't care about a lot of worldly things and just care about a few specific things which I devote energy to. I also have a lot of energy, coupled with ADHD, leads to hyperfixation and jumping from one task to another with too much enthusiasm and zero completion rate.

Now comes the actual point for today:

Travelling makes you forget. Forget through the paradigm of newness. New places, new scenery. For a curious analytical overthinker like me who needs every detail, it keeps me engaged.

But when there is a moment of stillness, which is always unsettling, where the constant cacophony that is my brain, quietens down, is when you realize that you are all alone in life and there are few people you can share your innermost thoughts with. I am grateful for the people I have in my life, my stakeholders namely, but over time you realize that they cannot be asked to substitute for the other set of people that I lack in life. That deep down, all of us just wanted to be understood. That even though I would like to show that I don't care, deep down, I just want that one person to care. To just walk up to me and tell me that they see me down and would like to know what caused it. To just be by my side and occupy the same space, not always needing to speak to be heard, just being there.

Funny thing, MS pointed out that the last person she expected to be a hopeless romantic would be me and on the outset, given the hard exterior and aloof nature that I put out for the outer world, it would track. But the reality is that we are all pretending, me more than most. I have been hurt far too often and am far too introverted to wear my real emotions on my sleeve so I project it through my idiosyncrasies and general weirdness.

At some point, it stops hurting that much and you start taking every small win as they come for what they are. At some point, you stop and take stock of how lucky you are to be in the position you are, that even though there might be miles to go and you might be here on the shoulders of the support extended to you by others, you are still here. I know that nothing I will do will ever amount to anything tangible. That most likely I will end up being just another corporate slave, that I was never academically significant to make any contribution. But what I cannot live with is not trying. I will try like hell. Be grateful of what I have like hell and hope to hell that something comes along and even if it doesn't, smile for the journey I have had.

Thank you Alice!

My musings: Bus to Ahmednagar Edition

Lights out Alice!

The only part of my job that I like is the travel involved. Travelling is good because it ensures that I do not have time to sit with my thoughts although I am currently writing about the thoughts that transpired when I was waiting for the bus. However, when in motion, procrastination and negativity does have a backhand and I am slightly more productive and able to write and think on things that I want to. The following paragraph is a small stream from the constant deluge that goes on in my head.

I resonate with being the underdog. Having been hurt quite a few times, which is still less than the pain I see around me, I am able to take one glimpse and see the burden or the pain that they carry in their eyes.

Standing in the bus stop, waiting for a bus to take me to Ahmednagar, I saw a guy sitting and staring off into the distance. One look and anyone could tell that he is going through a lot. His sunk eyes, surrounded by a sea of blackmarks, trying to make sense of it all while teleporting him into a place that has nothing to do with his physical location.

Looking at him and then thinking about my privileged life, I realized that I am lucky and that even though I would like to call myself strong or someone who has gone through a lot, the reality is that it has been a while since I have actually been the underdog or have had to fight.

I would like to, but I don't think I can justifiably call myself one among them while sitting in my ivory tower. I haven't been a fighter in a long time and that did hurt me.

I have realised, mostly because people have pointed this out, not because I felt it so (and I disagree with this because this is the only way I know), that I am a very sensitive person. What I don't get is how am I supposed to be okay with the pain I see all around me and go on in my merry way and enjoy life. But this is also symptomatic of a people pleaser and maybe all my life all I have known is how to live for others and not for myself.

It's over: MS Edition

Lights out Alice!

I guess it had been coming for a while. My recent posts must have indicated an urge to text that person that would have meant disrespecting that space that the person requested and had terminated everything two months ago.

I think I felt some sort of loyalty that I would be breaking if I moved on, something similar to what RS felt in my case. I was pretty annoyed by that and I guess by texting (way to bury the lead I know) MS today, I pulled off the something similar and it evoked a similar reaction.

I asked to meet. Her response was tepid. When pushed why, she claimed I would try to bring up the past again and that I had no right to do that after essentially maintaining zero contact for two months. I did justify it by saying that it wasn't the case, but as a true overthinker, I definitely second guessed myself and ended up thinking that deep down maybe I wanted that. 

However, if I truly ask myself that question, the only thing that comes up is the fact that I wanted to get closure. I had been hanging on to a thought, a thought that she would come back or want something and that if I moved on too early, there would never be a chance. But this was taking a toll on me and I was slipping everyday. Deep down, when I pressed for a meeting, I think I wanted a one final answer of whether I should stay or leave. However, it turned ugly and it leaves the other person with a poor reflection of me. To be fair, even I would cringe on my cringe worthy actions. But hey-ho, I just wanted to let go and this was the only way I knew how even though I know for a fact that there might have been better or healthier ways out there where the other person does not lose respect for you.

I would never want to rub anyone the wrong way (at least deliberately) or leave a bitter taste in their mouth, especially the people I want to impress, but I guess this is the fourth time I have done this. I still haven't ascertained why and how I formed this toxic habit of ending things in an ugly manner, but sadly that has become my default and my conditioning.

Oh ADHD, the things that thou dost make me do!

 - But it would also be shifting blame and responsibility, because ADHD did not make me get hung up on her...it was just me and my bad decision making coupled with not being taught the right way to form or get out of relationships on account of never properly making friends, let alone being in a relationship.

In this present moment though, there is a high, a cathartic relief of being free, of not having to carry a burden, of not dragging the anxiety fueled by waiting patiently for a person who will never come back. This won't last, I know that. The pain might come back and I WILL do stupid things that I will regret later. I will make mistakes. Will probably repeat a few red flag patterns that I have shown in SB and MS editions.

I definitely have a lot to figure out about life and especially drawing the line in relationships. I hold on too tight and I let go too late. I should not have texted MS after 2 months, because it would obviously lead to her having a bitter aftertaste of ever talking to me, but I also knew that if I didn't do it, I would be stuck thinking and waiting for a day that would never come. 

I needed to normalize and humanize her and the situation, to tell myself that there is nothing left, that she is never coming back. 

That it did not matter that I thought it was true, it ended. 

That for the first time in my life, the other person also felt something, however fickle, it still ended.

That I tried giving my best, probably put in too much and scared her off, it ended.

Did I go overboard by showing too much affection at the start and putting too much effort...probably, that's what MS told. But do I think I would change my ways for the next time a person comes around...not, really no since I have a pretty bad memory and I tend to repeat my mistakes.

I guess I am just not good at relationships....that's how the cookie crumbles I guess...

I forgot I was an ADHD-er

Lights out Alice!

It's funny how I keep looping in the past, not letting go of MS in my head and in the process unravelling myself and years of progress. Then I also remember that I am an ADHD-er. I was already walking a thin line of productivity and getting shit done, which is now broken.

My discipline, my ability to be productive, my focus and daily progress. All gone. Kaput. Starting from scratch is the only thing that is left. Frankly, it isn't a bad thing since this time I can work on building a better mental model, but given how I am and my track record, I will probably make elaborate plans but then end up slipping back to old habits leading to a poor execution. 

Shit man, I am such a shitter...because I just dream of big things, make big plans but execute less than 1% of it. I am just another sweet talker, but the only person being fooled by this is me.

Further, I am still hurting. I am still not over her. I keep reminding myself that she was way above my league. She deserved better. She deserved anything that is not me. She told no and I am supposed to respect that and stay away. But God it hurts. It hurts like hell. It continues hurting non stop because my overthinking brain extrapolates all the previous experiences and makes it such that I am barely hanging on under the weight of all my issues, most of which stem from my head. The paralyzing part occurs because my brain is in hyperdrive and still longing for MS which means it doesn't stop hurting day or night.

Now, obviously I will question everything. Is this longing stemming from the fact that I am alone or was it real? Was there a real soul connection? Did it break me apart. Yes, but I don't trust myself anymore to be objective. 

It just hurts Alice and I keep wanting to go back but I know she deserves better and hence I shouldn't!

I just keep wanting to text that person

Lights out Alice!

It is easier to talk about space than actually giving it. I keep wanting to text M.S. Ask if it was that easy to move on. Find any reason to hate so that I can tell my brain and my heart to move on. Not a good practice and all it would achieve is hurt the person's progress, if required, in getting over this incident (harsh word, I know).

I am hurting. I keep wanting to not feel lonely. I keep wanting company. I keep wanting anybody to come fill the void that has been made more apparent now that there is no academic purpose in my life and I am in a new city with zero responsibilities.

Life comes in waves. A good person is able to deal with both with utmost grace. Not rejoicing too much when joy comes around and also does not let bad times affect them enough to change their course of action. 

I don't know if it was the compounding effect of all the rejects, but this one took a toll on me. There would also be a percentage contribution from the choice to stop going back to the online platform, because I felt tired and did not have the energy to want to go through the drudgery all over again.

The right way is to take a break from all this. To get back to the basics, build good habits, take care of ourselves and utilize the time on self growth goals rather than superficial engagement and shallow outings. I have done it numerous times before but this time it has been quite a bit tougher than the previous ones. I do not know how long this will last or if it ever will, but I do know that I need to do better and see through this.

Hope I can find the strength to not do anything foolish and work on healing myself Alice!

It's getting pretty bad now

Lights out Alice!

I don't know if the 2016-2018 period was similar to this, mainly because I have very poor recollection of events and how they went down, but this is getting pretty bad now.

I am in a pretty bad headspace. 

• The D word seems to be the overarching theme 
• But Anxiety is the one that is calling the shots right now
• Anxiety is being heightened by the lack of a clear purpose post college,
• Add to that a job that I barely tolerate and is not at all satisfying
• The lack of clear guidelines on what I am supposed to do at my job, the uncertainty
• The fear of failing to do a good job, which ends up with me putting too much pressure on myself
• The lack of mental stimulation from any engaging topic to keep me occupied

All of this leads to a very dark hole which I seem to be crawling further and further into. Given how it is now winter, most of the time I feel like my head is about to burst, with heat being emanated from my head in a manner that is similar to a hot stove in a cold winter's morning. I am always overwhelmed, feeling like my head is about to burst.

I know that I cannot reach out to anyone about this and I can't tell my family about how bad it has gotten. I think I need help. But I am far too afraid. I am afraid to be a burden on anyone. I should be able to deal with all this change, this rejection, this loneliness, this pain of being away from everyone I held close as it is part of growing up. I cannot give in.

But it is getting harder Alice. Days are getting tougher, nights mostly overwhelming. I am bursting at the seams in my head and all the work that was done previously in putting in checks and measures that would keep my demons at bay have now failed. The demons are here and they have taken up accommodation in my head. The dominos may not be far from toppling. 

When you are in the thick of it, it is hard to see a way out. That is how I feel right now even though the rational part of me knows it will get better. It is pretty hard to see it that way right now. Harder even to get up to do basic chores. Harder still to implement good basic habits.

It is all falling apart. I am isolating. I feel lonely. I don't think I can talk to anyone about it even though it is exactly the advice I gave to everyone when they were facing their demons. My head is a mess. Anxiety is throwing imagined scenarios continuously and rational side of me is fighting hard to keep it at bay but is failing to do so. I am slipping. Correction, I have fallen, it has gotten bad.

It is pretty difficult to get out of the rut

Lights out Alice!

We complicate when we do not understand clearly. Just like most things in life, we would like to believe that the way mastery is reached in any subject is the complicated combination of luck, resources, talent and effort. Fair, it is a combination of all those, but if you really break it down, we know that there is only piece of that puzzle that is under our control and hence the one piece that really matters. 

Effort. We can control how much effort we put in, which is a direct outcome of how badly we want it which is in turn fuelled by what our end goal is and how much priority are we willing to put on it.

If nothing changes, nothing changes.

If I never work on changing my procrastination or overcoming being in a rut with no real progress day in and day out, I will never be anything more than I am today. Moreover, I will be stagnating and decay will set in and soon I will be obsolete and outdated. Yes, this mindset might have been fueled by anxiety that is reigning supreme over me right now, but I do not disagree with it because it is reminding me that an important part of daily life is putting in the time for gradual changes through learning.

I suck Alice because I still haven't been able to break my bad habit loop and am still procrastinating like crazy!

The good part of my job

Lights out Alice!

I have been pretty loud about the fact that my current job and especially the sector that it is in is something that I am totally not interested in. I am doing it because of responsibilities and also the niggling feeling that in reality most corporate jobs are soul sucking and debilitating in some way or the other. Since I haven't had a ground breaking idea yet, notwithstanding the lack of capital, and also the simple fact that I am not intelligent enough to pursue pure research, I am left with sticking it out in corporate.

The travelling part of the job I like. Currently I am on my way from Azamgarh to Varanasi in UP. Obviously I have to mention the added disclaimer that I am travelling in style (private cab) and not in public transport which takes away the stress of maintaining time and also survive overcrowding.

Overlooking a field of wheat, on the highway, sun setting on the horizon is my version of a pretty evening. 

The secret although mandatory ingredient is that I have mostly covered what I needed to do. Plus in my head, as long as I am doing something, I am justifying my worth, without which the guilt of not giving my best eats away at me and leaves me with debilitating anxiety.

Coming back to the pretty view at hand. Vast open tracts of cultivated land. Highlights of yellow in a sea of green. Traffic filled highways. Cows and people flouting norms blatantly allows for the drive to be anything but straight forward, which at least keeps it from getting mundane. 

Currently, I don't know if the confounding variable is the fact that I have covered my goal for the day and also that I am on the move which is also in effect being on the job that is contributing to the feeling of satisfaction or the scenery. Nature, preferably rolling nature, provides for a blissful and anxiety reducing experience, something that soothes

A bit of inspiration

Lights out Alice!

I have been starved. Starved of inspiration of late. Starved of good ideas, good people, good management skills and among everything else, starved of intelligence. Intelligent people are inspirational. You want to do better. You want to go ahead and give your best for them. You want to put in that bit of energy more and give one more crack at it. 

I still remember the "nuts and bolts for beginners" workshop conducted on a chilly evening outside the venue in Jamshedpur way back in 2014 in my first year of college as well as first year of participating in Formula or Baja Student events. It was not complexity that has stuck with me all these years. It was the simplicity of the message, conveyed succinctly and in a manner that the audience can remember as heuristics. No, it did not cover all the theorems or formulas. Yes, it could be classified as just as broad overview presentation that anybody could narrate. But therein lies the difference. Very few can take difficult to visualize scenarios in complex engineering situations and explain it in a manner that makes everyone immediately create a mental picture. What made it truly amazing was that people did not just stop at grasping a complex concept in a simple manner, the workshop made them ASK WHY. It made people who did not know how a certain type of bolt functioned or how forces were distributed to go on to ask why the distribution was designed in a certain manner and how it would be more suitable for it to go an work in a specific situation better.

I don't think I could ever convey the beauty of this transition aptly enough. In five minutes, disinterested or at least disengaged audience was transported to a realm where they started devising scenarios and questioning each other on what would be a better solution to a hypothetical problem presented on screen. This is what presenters dream of. This is what zenith of teaching and understanding the audience looks like. But more importantly, this is what a great teacher does. 

When I sometimes ponder whether a phd is the right decision for me, given the obligation in most part to turn into a teacher, this is what scares me. I have zero interest in being a mediocre, slide reading, question dodging teacher. What scares me is what if I become one? What if the realities of life or complacency soaks into me to the extent where I no longer care if I am doing my best. It is my true nightmare.

I already see complacency seeping into a lot of my life. I have been slacking and the simple litmus test of it is to check if I am thinking of taking a break or the next thing to strike off my to-do list. If I am procrastinating, I will try to think of ways of getting off a task, a surefire way of failing and complacency. If I a doing and am enjoying the task of getting things done, well, even then I need to do a second step check whether I am doing the things I am supposed to be doing or whether I am procrastinating on doing the things I am supposed to do by doing other important but not urgent things.

Anyhoo, this was inspired by the video of Neal Mohan going back to his Alma Mater, Stanford where he explained his processes and how he goes about this work. Inspirational and definitely filled me with gusto.

Link to the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwHn-O_GeSg

Lights out Alice!

Keep going I guess

Lights out Alice!

Quitting has been on the top of mind recall these days. Exacerbated by all the background shenanigans, most of which I detailed in my last post.

When I start staring off into the distance and thinking, which is quite often these days, I just think it wouldn't be much different if I just quit. Stopped trying. No fear of failure or retribution if I up and quit in the first place. I would like to lie in that situation and make myself believe that it doesn't matter anyways and that nobody will be affected, at least not for long, or not more than usual.

But then when I reach this stage, I also ask why. Why not just do it. Why not see it through if failure is all but guaranteed? Why not make the best of whatever this situation is or not? Why not let it flow and not worry about extracting the most out of everyday? Why not take it slow, have patience and let life show you the way? 

I know these sound cliched, but they do make sense. Hopefully I have the patience to stick it out

I am in a bad place again

Lights out Alice!

I am in bad shape, my head is in a bad place, I am procrastinating a lot, I am riddled with crippling anxiety in any situation, I have been making poor decisions, I have been isolating (a touch more than normal) and then letting resentment and emotions build up to the point that I am unable to behave rationally or in the manner that is expected of me in any situation that decides to be anything more than trivial.

I am in a bad shape. I am getting pretty anxious these days and combined with a lot of unnecessary overthinking and scenario devising means that I am already mentally exhausted by the time the situation actually presents itself. It is crippling. It is heightening the doubts in my head, lead to poor decision making and preventing me from working towards improvement and just leading to a fast downward spiral, which just adds to the overthinking and crippling anxiety the next time around.

If I had to do a self assessment to map which factors were contributing how much to this state, I would assign a majority value to the MS situation. It really broke me, but it wasn't just her, it was the combined effect of the entire scenario that had accumulated from effectively September 2022 culminating in a pretty heartbreaking end to MS in October 2023 which left me in tatters about the entire situation. In this regard, I am a pretty low state, effectively questioning myself on every front, every factor and whether I even know what I want out of this or do I even know how to go about it in the first place.

The next major contributor, and this would be neck and neck with MS situation, is the fact that I am lost in life because I do not have a major goal to work towards. I do not know what is the next mountain that I want to climb. I do not know what my measure of success looks like. I do not know how I want to grow even though I do know that I want to grow on my own terms. For the first time in life, there is no another exam, another preparation or another structure that can act as a crutch or a saving grace to show the way. I really think that pursuing a post grad degree was in some ways just pushing off doing the hard thing of figuring out what I wanted out of my life down the line. Any educational institute does the awesome job of making you feel limitless on what you can do with your life and I was intoxicated with that power. Another thing that an educational institute does is give you a clear pathway that requires little to no thinking of what you actually WANT out of life. These are the subjects, these are the chapters, this is the stream, this is the exam, perform well and you will feel like you have achieved something even though it might not be the case.

Another sub factor is that I am procrastinating heavily in is actually sitting and trying to figure out my long term goals, aspirations, plans A to D and how I would like to grow. What would be my success metrics and how would I go about working on them. I have effectively been procrastinating on it since March, which makes it around 8 months of putting away something that is VERY IMPORTANT at this stage. Life will throw unknowns and realities which I have to deal with, but it is important to have an overarching northern star and bite-sized goals and a plan to get there so that I can assess deviation at each step. I like tracking my progress and even though I subconsciously work towards sabotaging it, I do tend to catch the slide, eventually, HOPEFULLY.

Although I am not labelling it as the major factor, I do think the next one is the one that is exacerbating most of the issues right now. I am not used to this. I am not used to not having to be in an all out battle. I am not used to having the odds stacked against me. I am not used to not drowning. In every situation, my body is comfortable fighting against the odds, since it takes away the pressure off winning in some ways and also the pressure of expectations. But more so, for me, when the situation is all hands on deck, I can put on my blinders and just focus on getting things done. A partial zen can be reached where I am not procrastinating and am able to just get things done. This is the calm that operating at near capacity of the brain in a particular situation allows me to perform at. When I am overwhelmed with tasks and things keep going wrong, then I can prioritize, optimise and not feel like I am missing out. When I am only at say 50% capacity utilisation, I do not know what to do with the remaining 50% of my capacity and instead of finding tasks to fill that gap or just resting (ha ha, highly unlikely), I end up paralyzed because I spend too much time planning and there are too many optimal options and I don't know which one to let go and so I sit there wasting time and end up doing nothing which makes it even worse because it plays in my head and adds to my shitty headspace. I am pretty sure when I will look back, this will end up being the biggest factor and the one that I would definitely need to correct over the course of time if I ever do not want to be back in this place again. However, I also know that I am not good at learning from my mistakes and I will probably waste all my progress again. 

I do not know how to build onto past progress. I get too overwhelmed that I am not at the bottom/ underdog with nothing to lose and that I can actually build on a base and just end up sabotaging myself. It is like I only know how to function in situations where I am the underdog. 

The next is being impatient and not working on my basics. To be fair, it builds on the problem presented by the fact that I do not know how to operate when the odds are overwhelmingly stacked against me. I do not know how to build on something.

The cherry on top is being forgetful. I am so impatient and fickle minded that I don't stick to a plan. I get too easily distracted. I do not put in the work and just want to get to where I want to be without the journey. No, it is not that I do not know that I need to put in the work or that I have to go through it, it is just that I am so fickle minded and ADHD in my behaviour that I make plans in my notebook, get exhausted, take a break, forget to actually work on the plans, let a couple of days pass thinking I have a good plan in place but not actually work the said plans, panic at my lackadaisical approach over the past couple of days, think that I actually do not have a plan, forget that I did have a plan, go about creating a plan in the next few days, be happy that I have things somewhat figured out, go on a break and not work on the said plan. Repeat. Ad infinitum.

Just my thoughts

Lights out Alice!

First part: 1st Nov, 2023

Loyalty is what I believe in. Although it is an assumption because there hasn't been enough tests to validate it and hence every design seems nice till the load actually sets in.

I don't know her side, because I cannot text her, but is it that easy to get over someone you claim to like? I am here, wallowing in pain, withering slowly into the dark place, procrastinating on everything, slipping on work, forgetting my goals and just letting everything go to hell in a hand basket. What's worse is that as soon as it starts getting a bit better, my brain goes into overdrive, starts finding ways to re-read those old texts, look at those old photos and memories and find a way to hear her old voice messages again. My brain is not ready to let go and keeps finding ways to go back to missing her, hoping against hope that one day she will come back, even though the rational side of me knows that she is not coming back.

But I am tired. My brain is tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of trying to show people that I am worthy of someone, anyone's love and affection. I might be broken, might be weird, might be boring, but am I that bad and undeserving that I strike out with everyone?

On some days, I let my frustration boil over me. I let it grow and grow inside, the shit head of mine stewing bad thoughts till it boils over and I misplace my frustration on people that actually care about me and are part of my life. I should know better, but man, I keep making those silly mistakes. Today, I pushed a topic with my parents that I should have dropped. They hinted that I was pushing their buttons but somehow I wanted to force the issue. I don't know why but in that moment I made the decision that by bringing up a touchy issue I can best resolve it. There have been a gazillion previous instance where I have tried the same approach and never in any of those times has it worked. Yet, I don't seem to learn.

Why would it matter I ask myself when I think of writing. It is not like I am the only one with a story to tell. It is not like I am the only one who feels things or is going through something. It is not even the case where I am able to express the mundane in an alluring manner which is a sign of a good writer. Another characteristic of a great is their ability to convey a lot through very little. I am the opposite. I am verbose and go into multiple tangents and irrelevant details.

Continuing with the theme of going on tangents, how can so many songs exist? How can so many songs talking about heartbreak, conveying the artist's journey through one, their emotional turmoil, their upheaval, be so similar to appeal to the masses yet distinct enough that it hits differently and you want to listen to each of them?

Update: 7.11.23:

It has been a few days. A lot might have changed yet not a lot did for me. The same pain, the same routine. The world went through its motions, albeit with lack of emotion, in its daily humdrum, the chug and churn of a routine, which is in no city more exaggerated and evident than Mumbai. People wake up, get on a transport, be it a metro or a train or a bus, which is overcrowded and packed like sardines, in a road network or a rail network that is bursting at the seams, dressed in an attire that takes away what little character and soul they might have left to reach a job that is non engaging and dulls the brain through constant negative feedback from bosses on work not being done to their liking or in a manner that they have envisioned through their micromanagement. Although it is a city that houses most "stars" (bollywood) or "celebrities", all I see is a surprising dearth of originality. Everyone seems to be going to a corporate job or coming back from one, when a corporate job by definition is routine and non-original. However, I will also go on to contradict myself because I am a part of that system and hence limited in my world view, for I have never travelled the local trains when the humdrum and the office rush has ended. When the night owls and the to-be writers, dreamers and the lovestruck or love crushed people get on the train to be carried, some far away from their pain, some closer to their hopes and dreams.

I keep looking back, I keep revisiting the entire project stint when we worked together or the Pondi trip. I keep thinking that all along I knew it would end or I would be alone or that she would never reciprocate the feeling. I knew that it never ends well for me and the other person is not to blame because they would be taking a decision that is right for them as per their understanding. But is it wrong to want to be in love? To be hopelessly hopeful? To be eternally optimistic? I keep using the same point in my mental debates to justify this deviation from practicality: Life is going to be tough either which ways anyways, why not have someone you would be willing to go through hell for when you are going through it?

Don't worry Alice, I am an overthinker and hence at all points in time and at every turn I will question everything. I have questioned the fact that since I am still not over her yet, hence I might be looking at every equation through a rosy lens. I have even questioned the fact that since my ability to "fight through anything" has not been challenged yet, I have no solid ground to make claims about being able to see it through. I have a well documented history of starting most things with too much gusto and losing steam mid-way; can I afford to do that with another human being? No! I have even questioned the fact that is it the reality of me not making that long term connection with anyone which has led me to be so easily attached and hung up on MS? Since I have never been in a long term (or any term for that matter) relationship, I don't know what is the difference between desperation, actual love or wanting to not be lonely. To be fair, I don't have the answers to all of this. By default, I would assign myself to be at fault and desperation to be the cause, but deep down, I would really like to be wrong.

Grateful for your patient ear Alice!

Was it that easy to let me go?

Lights out Alice!

Was it that easy to let me go?

That you never had to look back and go.

Oh what could have been if I would let this grow...

I am back with another monologue on how I am heartbroken, reeling in pain over another failed attempt. I know it is getting boring, redundant and downright pitiful, but hey, that's who I am I guess, the overfeeler and the overthinker. And you know what, I am okay with that tag. I am okay being the person who goes overboard, who does too much, who cares too much, who is available too much and who is straight in their expression. At least this way I am true to myself. Or at least that's the lie I tell myself.

I still fail to see how people bring worldly issues as dealbreakers, because issues are going to be there wherever I go and whatever I do and to me connecting on a deeper soul level is all that should ever matter. Alas, the other person didn't feel the same which I can respect, although it meant that even though there were two people who saw the world in each other's eyes, they had to say goodbye. 

I still remember the moment when I had gone to drop her off near the metro station for the last time in our project stint that we were working together on. Me, being my usual quiet self on the outside but filled with raging thoughts shouting at me and hurting deeply on the inside. I don't know why, but in these situations my emotions are veiled to the point I take all possible measures to ensure that the other person is not able to correctly gauge what I am feeling, at max they will be able to read that I am not in my normal state. To further ensure this, I walked a few steps ahead, because I could also justify it with normal people logic that the roads aren't wide enough for two people to walk side by side. Truth to be told, I just wanted to avoid seeing her face and reading her emotions, because I knew she was hurting as well and I didn't want to know how bad it was for her.

A segue, obviously, because I go off on tangents. I keep revisiting everything, because I am an overthinker, and I keep thinking how difficult it must have also been for her. On my end, it is actually a bit easier on one level and tougher on another. Easier, because she was way way beyond my level (have you looked at her smile!). Tougher, because it was the first time the other person reciprocated the feeling on some level (not enough, for them to want to stay though). To be fair, I do not have enough data on how she operates to understanding the magnitude of pain, but I can definitely understand if the book was closed before the pondi trip ensued and if she was still going through internal turmoil throughout the trip, how much of a mental struggle and battle she must have had to fight to stick to her guts and take the decision she felt would be right for her in the long term. I know she will never read this, but it must have taken a lot of strength to stand your ground and kudos to MS for that (not trying to imply anything about me, just to be clear!). What I am trying to say, is that it is not easy to stay rational in an emotionally charged situation.

Coming back to the original story of seeing her off for the last time.

When we reached the auto stand and after a few rejections by the auto driver, when the last one agreed to go to her destination, I could feel the emotions welling up for me, can't assume anything on her end. But when she got into the auto and it was about to drive off,  she looked back  and that was all the indication I needed to know that she felt it too. I could see the emotion in her eyes, those big dreamy eyes, eyes that have seen so much, eyes that long to be loved and just take care of everyone around her.  Her eyes told me that she was accepting that this would be the last time we would meet in an elaborate manner and they decided to capture everything possible in that moment. Her eyes saw that this was the closure of something she would have continued with had the circumstances been different (again, please don't think that I am trying to tell in any way I was it...I still believe she could and should do way better than a shitter like me). Her eyes, that were trying their very best from shouting any emotion, but I could hear their cry from far away.

I hate goodbyes simply because there have been too many. I grow attached too quickly, but I make very few friends and when they leave, it hurts for a while. Hence, as I grew up, I decided to create barriers that would only let select few in. While this might be a good strategy in the initial stages, if someone crosses those barriers and then leaves, it hurts quite a bit more and for quite a bit longer.

I stood there, watching her leave. Not just for home, but effectively from my life. Even though she had told she would reconsider US, I knew for a fact that she would be rational and not choose us. I knew this was the end. My mind was bleeding, shouting, writhing, reeling in pain and my body was preparing for the pain that was about to kick in. I kept my mask on the outside. I did not react. Normally, I would just be able to turn around and leave. Normally, I would be able to go numb and switch off my emotions. Normally, I would need a few days before it would hit me. But this time, I stood there watching. Watching as what could have been went away. Now for the umpteen time but the only one with the other person also having some feelings. 

I have probably seen the entire spectrum now. One sided and ended, one sided and exploited, one sided and other one hurting, one sided and no emotion on my end, both sided and still ended.

It ends. Oh how I would not have liked this one to...but it did and I hope she finds all the happiness she deserves in life, even though I may no longer be a part of it. It was true from my end, although I question this paradigm and I have not reached a suitable conclusion if the parameters I used to establish whether it was true or not on my end were objective enough.

I still miss her Alice, but it has been a month and now it hurts a little bit less than it used to. I keep wanting to text her, but a little less than I used to. I check pictures and memories that we shared, but less often than I used to. On some level, I knew that time would decrease the pain and to be fair, I don't I wanted it to. I believed that if I was still in pain, she would come back and it would all go back to the way it was again. I know it cannot and day by day my hopes keep lowering. However, there will always be a baseline hope, a level below which it will never go down, because it will be the day when it will no longer hurt that much, but I will keep a place for her, just in case if she ever returns.

What is Pain?

Lights out Alice!

For context, I am going through another set of withdrawal pang. M.S. also decided not to continue, which makes her the sixth person on the trot to make that choice. That number keeps playing on me. Plus the fact that I am now settled down in a new city, work is not that great, missing home, missing my parents and most importantly missing a sense of purpose in life and to make it worse, procrastinating on working towards finding my purpose as well.

The situation has compounded itself to the point where I am in a pretty shite place. I am overwhelmed and in a dark corner of my head again, slowly and surely losing interest in the things that I could do to occupy and distract myself previously. It wasn't that my life wasn't boring previously and it wasn't that I was full of vigour and purpose all the time, but it was that slowly through time and the support of good people around me, I had worked myself back to a happy medium where I could get by without breaking down more than once every few days. 

What makes me feel even worse in the constant internal debate that rages non-stop in my head these days is that I should not be allowed to feel this way and call myself sad. This is the conundrum with mental health troubles. You are trying to diagnose yourself using the same tool that is causing the issue. It is similar to an internal investigation of corrupt practices led by an internally appointed team. There is no trust. There is always that doubt. Somebody out there is in physical pain. Somebody out there has LOST a loved one. How can I be out here hurting over missing a relationship or bond that never materialized? How dare I be in pain over being lonely? Why would I expect someone else to come and fix the things I need to for myself? Even if they do, is that even right? Is that even sustainable in the long term? The world has so much REAL pain and sorrow out there, what is even my plight? Do I even have the right to be unhappy or sad?

Matthew Perry took his life yesterday and he was pretty successful. Mike Shinoda is the other example that immediately jumps at me. These are the utter posters of what success in their field looks like. Yet they had awful existence, suffering from diseases that originate because of a shit head and persist because of the inability of the rest of the world to understand how shitty a shit head can be.

I lie here, welling up, just wanting to shout, cry, wail, anything to make this feeling go away. To make my shit head feel better. To reduce the impact that this feeling of loneliness is making me feel. Feeling of loneliness because this isn't the first time I have been alone, but this sure feels like how I am going to end up in life, which makes it unnerving.

I still miss her, but I know that she deserved better and that I need to first fix myself and find my purpose rather than get stuck in this rut.

But I currently also have very little life force in me to keep going. I have very little that is driving me and for a hyper active person like me, it is a pretty bad state of affairs to be in. 

I just want this bad feeling in my head, this constant aching to end. I just want something to give me any motivation, any driving force that gives me HOPE, hope to hold on to, because everything else seems to be slipping away. I no longer have the energy to do the little things that I used to enjoy, I am not pushing myself enough, which is just adding to the misery bit time.

It's going to be okay...

Lights out Alice!

It is hard to be broken. To be told a million times by people that you have a million flaws. To be told that you will never fit in. To be rejected time and time again for being yourself and not putting up a mask for the world. To not be perfect. To not be good enough...actually for never being good enough.

But what they don't know is that your head is a worse place. You see the million and ten flaws that you have and not just the million that is visible to others. You see the things you did to go above and beyond, while keeping your needs to the side to ensure that the other person has everything that might possibly need and then you see those preparations getting trampled and taken for granted. It's okay you reassure yourself, because these were not done with recognition in mind, just the fact that you would do it for people you care about. 

You bring down your walls, against the better judgement of your head, justifying that it will never know until it tries. You tell that you have put safeguards in place, that this time it will be different. This time they will be better, but even if they are not, this time you will not go all in or beg them to stay or get attached. This time you will be one of the cool guys and approach it with an air of indifference. This time you will be one of the bad ones and ignore the subtle hints or not do everything possible to make that other person comfortable. This time you will not make them feel like you are a safe place. This time you will not show them what peace is like. You will not show them what unfettered affection is like, you will not give them a taste of that tranquility that has been ever so elusive in your life.

You smile. Just a little as you walk towards another lie. No, not at the person, no. But at the lies you tell yourself on how it will all be different  this time and yet you go ahead and repeat the same pattern all over again. 

They leave again. 

You are broken again. 

You are reminded that you are broken and will never fit in. You are reminded of your million flaws. You smile because deep down you know the count is a million and ten and not the million that they know. Somehow it gives you some sense of satisfaction to see them being wrong by proving that you are far more broken than they will ever realize yet you have survived all this while.

You smile again, but this time nervously like a scared child who has broken the vase while playing in the living room even though your mom told you repeatedly otherwise. Your mom, which in this case is your brain walks in, looks at the shattered vase, which in this case is your heart and then turns to look at you. You tremble and nearly start sobbing. You know this look. You are expecting a  "I told you to not play with your heart" statement. You are expecting a lambasting. The anticipation hurts you more than any scolding ever would. Brain walks slowly towards you. You tremble in fear. But all it does it pat your hair and then walks out of the room. It knows, like every mother, that now is not the right time to scold. It is the time to support you. It returns to the room with a broom and silently starts collecting the broken pieces of your heart from the floor. All this silence scares you even more. You start wailing hoping to get some sort of reaction but the silence hurts more than any scolding ever could. You start giving justifications. The bawling becomes louder. Sorries fly galore and before anyone can get another word in, you start chanting all the ways in which you will be better the next time around and never repeat the same mistake. Still no response. Your sobs intensifies. You are standing at the same place, frozen in fear but searching desperately with your eyes for any emotion that would indicate how brain will respond next. But by this time, head has collected all the pieces of your broken heart from the floor into the dust-pan and turns to face you. It walks slowly towards you in the same quietness that unsettled you in the first place. 

The slow gait suddenly strikes something in you. Is your head quiet or is the pain so loud that you cannot hear anything? Like the temporary deafness that occurs when a flashbang goes off near you, was it that you couldn't hear anything in the pursuit of another person, swept so far deep into the pond that no visible light of rationality or audible sounds of pragmaticism could ever reach you? You try to turn around and frantically focus on any other sound, to prove that you could hear it all along. Nothing. No wise words, no long term focus, no listening to people that care about you, nothing was audible. Suddenly you see a silhouette. Your head has reached you and is standing in a towering presence over you. Was it always that your head towered over you, you question yourself. In an immediate snap, you realize that the presence of the person is growing. No, you realize in the very next moment that it is not them but in fact it is you who seems to be exponentially shrinking in their presence. You are so consumed by these thoughts that you barely register the soft and gentle touch that is repeatedly operating on your body. By the time your emotions are able to register the feeling and you turn to look towards the source of the touch, it strikes you. There was a void, an emptiness where your heart once used to be. Broken though it may be, your head tries to slowly place the pieces of your heart back in its place. You are unable to move. You are trembling and shaking inside but your body lies deathly still from the fear that any movement might hamper this delicate operation. 

There is a realization that strikes you. You look up and find that your head looking directly in your eyes. It was waiting all along for you to come to this conclusion. The pieces of your heart don't fit. It will never go back the way it was...

Oh deary me, not again!

Lights out Alice!

I look at the pattern and the words I have spoken each time I have gotten my heart broken and it makes me feel like a fraud. I repeat the same things, feel in similar ways and all I end up doing is begging them to stay. Is that bad? Is it my fault? Do I make it that suffocating?

I was looking back at the chats I had written to myself, which I generally do when I am deliberating what I need to write to a person, and it made me feel like I have a set pattern and behavioral traits. What scared me was how they all ended the same, with me begging them to give me a chance to show how I could be the right fit. This scares me because it begs the question whether I even know what I want out of a relationship or a partner or am I that desperate that I would go for anything, which would then turn out to be unsustainable in the long run or a bad situation for the other person because they might take it that they are not getting the treatment they deserve.

Going back to the SB days, I remember writing this after coming out of a long CAIML analytics weekend session. I remember being busy, enjoying drowning myself in work because it would give my overactive brain a useful outlet.

Smile, because you have made those same mistakes before.

Smile, at the pieces that lie broken on the crimson floor.

Smile, as they walk out through the broken door.

Smile, because you have seen it all before.

Smile, as it all ends and it goes back to the way it was before.

Smile, because nothing is ever going to be the same anymore.

Thank you Alice and my board of directors for being there for me!

Why can't I choose to focus on the good?

Lights out Alice!

It ended. It was always going to. The writing on the wall, the inevitability was there right from the very beginning, more so for me since I have been broken far too many times and have deeper issues.

I have been brooding and reeling for a while now. It hurts, not just because of MS, but of my overall situation in general. Also, because brooding and neglecting other parts of my life is the easy way out. My brain is lapping up the opportunity to just blame every one of my problems on this situation even though in reality they are separate disjointed things.

I keep forgetting that my restlessness, my inability to focus at the task at hand and my inability to finish what I start has always been there with me, my one true companion, the real issues that I need to constant deal with but I always neglect.

Amidst all the pathless walks that I keep undertaking to distract myself, 95% of my time is filled with negative thoughts and finding ways to blame myself and try to fit scenarios on how I could have behaved differently to get a better outcome. 

But right now, for a change, I think I will force myself to think of the good things. The moments I shared, were beautiful, etched forever in my mind for the peace that I felt in them while knowing through every passing second that I might never feel like that again.

Driving for hours with her, the slight panic but putting up a brave face search for our hotel at 2 am, might just have been mundane moments, but with her by my side, it was a different and a new feeling for me. Having company is not a common occurrence for me, unlike going on driving trips, having undertaken multiple solo trips to places out of curiosity or boredom. This company was special for the simple fact that I liked her, but I also couldn't bring myself around to confess the same. My internal debate told me it would not be wise to mar the trip with this topic and hence decided to enjoy the trip without any added pressure or expectation.

I enjoy driving. I enjoy being on the road. This trip was a notch above though. The Chennai Pondi route was a road in exemplary state coupled with being pretty safe and scenic. To add to the mesmerizing beauty of the sea on one side and rolling green landscape on the other, the company inside the car had already taken my breath away. Not just by her sheer beauty, but also through how disarming she could be. She could just make me want to put down my barriers and want to talk to her. Tell her everything. Hold her tight. Fight against anything that might ail her. Become her safe space. But since I couldn't enunciate any of this, I settled for enjoying the road while stealing glimpses of her smile and her face, hoping to permanently tattoo it in my memory.

I woke up early, hoping to watch the waves crash as the sun rose from ostel the next morning, for we both could barely sleep even though we only reached the hotel at around 3 am. What was surprising was that she could not sleep a wink as well. It was only later that she confessed that thoughts about us were keeping her awake as well. She had the utterly tough job of walking away from what she thought was good for her. No, I am not trying to say I was good. NO. On the contrary, she deserved way better and I still think I was way below what she deserved. But what I meant that it is never easy to have the ability to think rationally in every situation and it takes nerves of steel to stand firm in every situation, which she did, gracefully at that. She could embrace being in the moment, while never letting the moment sway her. Well, shit, because even though I received the raw side of the deal because of this, this ability to hold steady and stay rational just elevated her in my books. 

Another moment that just will stay with me forever was the experience of bunk beds, something that I have only seen in the movies. Ostel had pretty well maintained bunk beds and the experience was pretty awesome. Other than having to share it with strangers obviously. 

The heartfelt discussion we had while lying in our bunk beds like kids was a moment of carefree bliss that I don't think anyone ever gets to share. Past, future, the good, bad, relevant, pointless, it didn't matter, because we were sharing a bit of ourselves with each other. The conversation had elevated beyond the point of discussion, and it was as close to old couples winding down after a long day of work than as one could get. I guess that was the point of it, from both our ends. We were subtly trying to judge each other on what it would be like when the exuberance fades away. When the veil has subsided, when there is no excitement to learn about a person, when it is just you and them, and when it is no longer new and exciting. This is where it starts to hurt. Sitting here, a few weeks post the event, I can't remember what we were discussing. Which is why it hurts. It didn't matter. I wasn't trying to stay in the conversation. I was just enjoying the conversation, without any need to pretend or sub-consciously trying to keep the flow going. We worked. The conversation clicked. There was no need for any dressing or extra effort on my end to make it work, a thing that I generally have to do with others. I don't know how it was for her on her end, but this is why it still hurts. I connected with another human. Maybe it is normal for people to connect with other humans and not lead to anything, but for an introverted socially awkward person like me, it is extremely difficult to reach this and be able to walk away like nothing happened.

Sitting on the attic and discussing start up ideas, her laughing at my lame jokes and then posing for a impromptu photoshoot. The smile on her face, the radiant glow...

An indelible mark, a scarry reminder

Lights out Alice!

For some people, it is never about how long they stay in your life, you know they are going to leave a scar once they leave. More often than not, they leave sooner than you would like them to. But the inevitability of their exit from your life seems like a constant, like the setting of a sun, even when it is hiding behind the clouds and you cannot see it, you know it is going to get dark soon.

With people like these, who touch you so deeply, you know, as soon as they enter into your life, in the famous words of Taylor Swift, "I knew you were trouble when you walked in...". Add to this the fact that I would like to believe that I am perceptive on some level and can call out how things are going to play out while they are unfolding and things go from zero to hell pretty quickly. No, I am not delusional or overestimating my abilities. I am just another overthinker with a shit brain who thinks of all the potentially bad scenarios in every situation, cannot take any positive and prepares for anything going right by sabotaging it in the different ways he hypothesizes in his head they are going to go wrong.

Not all scars are bad though. Some you want to go back and see again, just to remind yourself of what you went through. 

The smile. The gentle brush back of hair locks. The blushing that was accompanied by a forward head tilt. The genuine laugh at the lamest of my jokes. The caressing touch of her hands as she would endearingly shoo me away for pulling my usual shenanigans. The peace of being in the moment with her. Obviously I do not have any part of my future figured out whatsoever. But in that moment I tell you, I would fight tooth and nail, to my last breath to make it work, to make her stay.

It wasn't to be. She had to go away. I sit here welling up at the thought of what I lost. Not the friendship, no. I knew I liked her too much to ever be able to be just friends and I would have withdrawn regardless. I lost what could have been. O, how I could see for a moment in her eyes, her caring, loving dreamy, but also humongous (no, I am not that lost in my thought, I can still crack PJs) eyes, that she felt the same.

At first, or actually, throughout, I always questioned what she saw in a shitter like me. She was better than me in every respect and could have guys lining up across the alley who would be head and shoulders above me, both literally and in terms of acumen. In my head, I have always been used to having unrequited feelings for people, most of which I keep to myself because I see the other person doesn't see it on the same level and then let it pass. What was different about this was that I could see the signs, I could see how there was some form of liking for me. It baffled me, still does, that someone would actually like me on any level, and I all ended up doing was trying to find situations that would prove to my head that it was all in my head and I was imagining it. 

My usual SOP post things ending, because they all end, sooner rather than later, is to figure out if it was just a in-the-middle-of-the-moment-thing (infatuation) or was it ever true. Did I just get caught up in the emotion of it all, or did I have sustainable lasting reasons for the same?  

Was I just searching for anyone to be with and not able to see the flags or the long term part of it, or was it that I was able to take a look at the rational facts and understand the practicality of it all. To that end, the facts were simple. We were poles apart in terms of both beliefs and lifestyle preferences. But I always put up the counter, which I still believe in (which also makes me question whether I am still able to objectively able to assess it or not), that it was a gap that could be bridged over time. No, it would not be easy, but it wouldn't be particularly hard if the core equation, which is whether two people like each other or not, is aligned. Again, I don't have the future figured out and I cannot guarantee a tomorrow, but it was exactly this very understanding that gave me the confidence to turn around and say, if nothing is a given anyways, why can't I place my bet on this? Why can't I fight for what I believe in and give it a try and as long as you are there by my side, all I can promise is trying to make it better? It might not be a bed of roses everyday, but I will try to keep you isolated from as much as I can. Isn't that what grown-ups in real life do? Isn't figuring it out and working on it the very essence of what growing up is about? My engineering education always taught me that equations only work in a controlled setting and in real life there will always be parameters beyond our control. All that means is that there is no point trying to make anything fit a mould. Look at a situation ad-hoc, examine its merits, take into account the variables you can see, adjust for those you cannot and them for some that might show up later.

You make it work. It is not about the perfect person. It is about finding the one you would want to go through the everyday mundane with and making it work.

You know what sucks Alice? This wasn't enough to make her stay...she went away too...

In the end, they all left...

I wish you would have stayed, I would have fought...for us

Sit Rep: 22.10.23 edition

Lights out Alice!

I had the weekend free, which meant that I had too much time on my hands. I have been pretty vocal in my mental board meetings these past few weeks, nay months, about how I was not getting enough time to work on the things that I wanted to and hence attributed that to my increased restlessness and feeling lost and without a purpose in life. Turns out, it wasn't about the amount of time (actually I knew that deep down as well). It was just about DOING IT. 

I wasn't executing to the level I needed to. I was slipping because I was focusing more on the talk than the action. Action requires one to shut up and do, I was focused more on the PR than the actual work, the dirty, mucky, grinding hard work.

I have forgotten how to just sit and concentrate for any duration. One might think that implies several hours or so. NO. It is so bad that I can't even concentrate for 15 minutes. I always had poor ability to sit and focus. Even on my best days, I could barely do 30 minutes in one sitting and only on rare occasions could I touch 1 hour. 

I get stuck in a rut. A rut of wanting to execute so badly that I put off other things, but I am also too restless to actually sit down and do the work because of the habit that has been built on procrastination. All this does is achieve absolutely nothing all day, not even resting properly or working one bit. To top it all off, my headspace goes to shit as well. 

Additional factors that seem to be contributing to increased restlessness and procrastination:

• M.S and how the overall effect of that beyond her is playing in my head.
• Being alone in a new city and more importantly being away from home during Durga Puja
• Having gotten used to slacking off for the past six months. My head has gotten used to talking about the work more than doing it and feels like just complaining is enough and not taking action to change anything about the situation.
• Increased procrastination because I have been getting by with little to no effort in the past six months
• SERIOUS LACK OF DIRECTION AND PURPOSE in life. Probably a case of post college blues. Life has changed from directed, focused, filled-to-the-brim-with-work to barely enough work, boredom, loneliness and no immediate goal. I don't have anything specific that I need to reach in the next two years...no major growth, just survival. I don't think that's the right approach and it is the surest way to decay, but right now I have lost my path and purpose. 

I am not that motivated by traditional factors that most others would be, but that is an excuse because I haven't dived deep enough to figure out what I actually want out of life. Not just that, I am also procrastinating on figuring it out. In my head, I can procrastinate because I am thinking about it hence I can log it under making an effort, but since I am not actually sitting down and figuring it out, I don't have a goal to work on, I don't work on anything which means that I can officially slack off while thinking I am always slogging. I AM NOT. I haven't put in the right amount of work in a LONG TIME now.

I really need to get my shit together. I really need to start rebuilding, because I don't see it but I am below zero and have crossed over to the negative side. The fog of daily routine has taken over and I am not able to see how close to the precipice of the mountain of complacency I am.

Lights out Alice!

P.S: This blog was effectively me procrastinating against the actual work by first jotting down my headspace. Oh how deep the tumour of complacency and laziness has spread in me!

A look back at the past: SB Edition; 29th Dec, 2022

Lights out Alice!

Given the recent turn of events with M.S and me reeling over the pain of another failed attempt, this time due to real life constraints (although I still believe they are parameters and not constraints), I was looking back at my notes to see when I have recorded my innumerable lines of thoughts that I have every passing second.

This is an excerpt from 29th Dec, 2022 when I was reeling over SB and it was probably my first steps in understanding how this works. With the benefit of hindsight, obviously there were a lot of things wrong with me and my understanding and especially not really knowing what I wanted out of this other than companionship. Fast forward to today and M.S, I can safely say that I have not really learned as much as I should have and committed made the same mistake of doing too much too soon and scaring the other person away. Although, this one gave it a much deeper thought and was more considerate. I would be stupid if I would compare and ever say one person was better or worse than another. It were different points in time, different people, different circumstances. SB never had anything. M.S did but knew her realities. MS was the bigger person. The only constant in these equations was me and to that effect, I should have grown and been more mature and not push the agenda more than once (I only pushed it twice), which I think I failed on.

Anyhoo, the thought note from 29th Dec:

Shit. There is no hope left I guess.

Sometimes it is not reciprocated and there is only that much you can do when someone does not feel the same way about you.

Can you really make anyone love you? Make them feel the same way about you the way you look at them? Make them see the same future that you see in your eyes when your eyes spot their smile. Yes, the real one and not the one that they plaster on their face for the world.

Shit, I really thought she would come round to my view point.

But that look that I saw in their eyes when they talked about the one they feel about left me with very little hope. I basically heard the same emotions that I had, just that she had those emotions for a third person, not me.

Damn dude. It hurts. Sucks because she was a great listener and people reader. But I guess my simplistic world view doesn't fit her requirements.

I wanna cry, but cannot. I wanna run away but cannot. I have to be strong. To be her friend of sorts because she needs one right now. Which hurts so bad.

The pattern repeats itself: M.S Edition

Lights out Alice!

Well, here we are. Again. Writing about the same thing. Again. I did too much, too soon and scared the other person away. This is the seventh time overall and fourth really hurtful one. On the trot. Never been able to get the other person to stay. They all seem to run away. Obviously, if it is the seventh time, I am doing something wrong. Oddly enough, but consistent with who I am, I haven't changed my approach and what's more, I wear my approach even more loud with each pass. 

What went wrong with this one? Before we begin with that, let's lay some groundwork to establish why this one would hurt the most till date.

M.S SHARED THE FEELING! Holy crap yo! Till date, the others had to be goaded into seeing my worth and then they would run away seeing my brand and how much effort I would put in (too much too soon). SB never had anything for me and I was so desperate and naive that I would still put in massive time and effort behind her while knowing it would never be reciprocated, at all.

SRao never intended to continue, but for some reason engaged for long enough for me to get attached and then broke it off suddenly, which did hurt for a bit. HArora actually started off on a different scale, with different headspaces and approaches which meant that we were on different pages and the writing was apparent on the wall by the second meeting. Regardless, I did listen and HArora did share for a while before deciding to move on. Another instance of being used and thrown away like Linc Ocean gel.

M.S actually had feelings before me but realized that our circumstances and environment will never allow for us to be together and in which case it was better for her for kill those feelings than let it grow. However, what she did not account for is me having the same and actually going up and confessing the same. We were working on a project at the time and hence I did wait for the project to be over so that there would be no muddling of work. However, by that time, she had cleared her stance and was sure that there was no point of going into anything with me since there would be no future together.

My timeline of failures till now:

{Duration-Codename-Situation}

• 3 years P My end, my imagination
• Not significant  ST, NN  My end, my imagination
• 5 years NOTHING AT ALL, LIKE ZILCH
• 2 months KP My end, me being exploited
• 4 months SB My end, tough time on her end
• 2 weeks VT Not interested
• 3 weeks SR Not interested, chatted, ended abruptly
• 3 weeks HA Different tangent, chatter, ended
• 2 weeks RS Interested, I wasn't
• Not significant IT, Doc, ISH They were looking for something else
• 1 week MS SHE WAS! I was! Circumstances weren't

10 years of this. 10 long years and nothing till now. Nobody stayed. Nobody gave me a shot.

To conclude, I am pretty old now and haven't been in any kind of long or short or any-for-that-matter relationship. I don't think that's a good thing. Further, it will always beg the question going forward whether I would be just desperately seeking company or checking against compatibility and other long term sustainable criterias. At this point, I am questioning if I even have any criteria other than just wanting the other person to stay and hear me out.

Am I that bad? Do I suck that much? Am I that weird?

Lights out Alice!

A walk back in time: Vizag edition

On most days and most occasions, when I do not have the time or the opportunity, I will be overflowing with topics and ideas I want to write about and just like every other procrastinator out there, when the time is there, there is abundance of excuses and dearth of concrete action. Sometimes, however, there is a way around this. It is usually around the time when I have procrastinated for far too long and pent-up frustration over large periods of inaction leads to a burst of hyper-activity, in which a lot of things are taken up simultaneously, lot of creative ideas flow through at once and rarely do but a few things get completed. 

I am currently in Vizag, a city which brings back a mixed bag of emotions for me. It might have been one of the very few occasions that my entire paternal side of the family was there together. However, in my family's context, it has a ominous meaning more often than not that there is a serious illness or death in the family. I lost my grandfather here, around eleven years ago. I still remember the day vividly. I still remember him being declared brain dead and looking at his comatose body breathing through the help of ventilators. I still remember looking at the heart rate monitor and other vitals and seeing them drop. I remember being explained about oxygen saturation percentage and how it could be directly correlated to the functioning of the brain.

I remember us waiting for the hospital to release the body. All of us in the waiting room, some crying, some wailing, us kids stunned but largely aloof. I remember looking into my dad's eyes and seeing the pain. Pain that he was trying hard to keep behind the tower of responsibilities that he had to undertake to ensure that the entire family and the support structure did not come crumbling down. I look back at this moment specifically because I then scoff at my non-issues issues that I fret over in my current state. I am disgusted at myself these days because I have very little real world responsibilities. I can hear my parents and their pain or their loneliness on most days through the phone, but can do very little about it. I am such a coward that I do not even engage properly when I get the slightest hint of them having a tough time, because I am not sure I can stay strong. The part that I am worried about is not that I will break down but that I generally try to force rationality in times like these, which is exactly the wrong thing to do. People want solace and comfort, not rationale and logic, which even though I know inside, I will try to shove and then get impatient and lose my cool. All this does is escalate the situation from what would have been a 4/10 to a 8/10 just because I could not handle myself.

I remember sitting in the hearse, by his side, towards his feet, towards the back end of the vehicle, looking outside throughout the journey from the hospital to the burning ghat. I was sad, but I wasn't as well. It was a new feeling for me and all that I was thinking throughout was how I would miss him, what would my father have to go through, the hell that my grandmother would have to face from now onwards and how things will never be the same again. 

Flash of the lights from passing traffic. Sun had set beyond the mountains but there was another half an hour of fading light left. Suddenly I am transported back to our home in Kolkata. I am back reliving one of the many almost ritualistic afternoons when my grandfather would come over from the hall to sit with us and have a cup of tea. What I vividly remember was how he sat. Always at the corner of the bed, always just taking the minimum amount of space that a human of his size would need as well as his age and the inflexibility that comes with it. He was wise, no doubt and had a habit of exacting perfection from everything that went around him. More than perfection, there was a certain way things were supposed to be done and he ensured that people around him knew what the way was. Yes, it felt a bit dictatorial and imposing at the time, but the best way to soften feelings about anything is to let a lot of time pass. Today, I just look at it as a pecularity and can just gloss over the pain and suffering that it let to, especially for my mom. Although, he really cared and was always on the lookout for my mom's best interest. He was a simple person and he knew what he wanted in life. I respected the hell out of him and his oddities made him endearing in retrospect and frustrating in the moment.

Patience or lack of thereof

Lights out Alice!

Something that I have mentioned time and again that I need to cultivate and that I deeply lack is patience. I have seen it time and again that Patience is miraculous but requires a lot of, well, patience. Regret is mostly there in my life to throw the same phrase again and again, "If only I had held on/ been a bit more patient/ tried a little bit harder..."

Not just in anything I do, but in my approach as well. I am impatient in that I make plans but do not put in the effort that is required to execute the plans. Get impatient. Start thinking that I am not doing enough. Forget about the original plan. Start from scratch. Spend too much time making plans again. Realize mid-way that I had made the same plans before. Lose steam and repeat cycle.

The few times that I see things were the times in which I did get what I was planning to achieve, if not more. Not saying that my expectations have to be met every time and that I need to win all the time, because that's exactly the impatient approach. I can take my time, I can wait to see how it unfolds and I NEED to put in the effort. 

Takeaways (aka to myself: listen here, you shit):

• Execute
• You can't do everything
• Give it time
• Put in the effort
• Define your own metrics
• Set in stone your goals and what is driving you, not related to anybody else
• What do you want out of life?

The last one is very important. I can run, I can run faster or burn myself out anytime...but for what? What's the cause? Why is it important to me? Why am I pursuing this? Do I like the process or just want the outcome because I need to be okay with the process as well

WHAT'S MY WHY?

WHAT'S DRIVING ME?

WHAT ARE MY GOALS?

WHAT ARE MY METRICS?