Lights out Alice!
I guess it had been coming for a while. My recent posts must have indicated an urge to text that person that would have meant disrespecting that space that the person requested and had terminated everything two months ago.
I think I felt some sort of loyalty that I would be breaking if I moved on, something similar to what RS felt in my case. I was pretty annoyed by that and I guess by texting (way to bury the lead I know) MS today, I pulled off the something similar and it evoked a similar reaction.
I asked to meet. Her response was tepid. When pushed why, she claimed I would try to bring up the past again and that I had no right to do that after essentially maintaining zero contact for two months. I did justify it by saying that it wasn't the case, but as a true overthinker, I definitely second guessed myself and ended up thinking that deep down maybe I wanted that.
However, if I truly ask myself that question, the only thing that comes up is the fact that I wanted to get closure. I had been hanging on to a thought, a thought that she would come back or want something and that if I moved on too early, there would never be a chance. But this was taking a toll on me and I was slipping everyday. Deep down, when I pressed for a meeting, I think I wanted a one final answer of whether I should stay or leave. However, it turned ugly and it leaves the other person with a poor reflection of me. To be fair, even I would cringe on my cringe worthy actions. But hey-ho, I just wanted to let go and this was the only way I knew how even though I know for a fact that there might have been better or healthier ways out there where the other person does not lose respect for you.
I would never want to rub anyone the wrong way (at least deliberately) or leave a bitter taste in their mouth, especially the people I want to impress, but I guess this is the fourth time I have done this. I still haven't ascertained why and how I formed this toxic habit of ending things in an ugly manner, but sadly that has become my default and my conditioning.
Oh ADHD, the things that thou dost make me do!
- But it would also be shifting blame and responsibility, because ADHD did not make me get hung up on her...it was just me and my bad decision making coupled with not being taught the right way to form or get out of relationships on account of never properly making friends, let alone being in a relationship.
In this present moment though, there is a high, a cathartic relief of being free, of not having to carry a burden, of not dragging the anxiety fueled by waiting patiently for a person who will never come back. This won't last, I know that. The pain might come back and I WILL do stupid things that I will regret later. I will make mistakes. Will probably repeat a few red flag patterns that I have shown in SB and MS editions.
I definitely have a lot to figure out about life and especially drawing the line in relationships. I hold on too tight and I let go too late. I should not have texted MS after 2 months, because it would obviously lead to her having a bitter aftertaste of ever talking to me, but I also knew that if I didn't do it, I would be stuck thinking and waiting for a day that would never come.
I needed to normalize and humanize her and the situation, to tell myself that there is nothing left, that she is never coming back.
That it did not matter that I thought it was true, it ended.
That for the first time in my life, the other person also felt something, however fickle, it still ended.
That I tried giving my best, probably put in too much and scared her off, it ended.
Did I go overboard by showing too much affection at the start and putting too much effort...probably, that's what MS told. But do I think I would change my ways for the next time a person comes around...not, really no since I have a pretty bad memory and I tend to repeat my mistakes.
I guess I am just not good at relationships....that's how the cookie crumbles I guess...
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