Lights out Alice!
It ended. It was always going to. The writing on the wall, the inevitability was there right from the very beginning, more so for me since I have been broken far too many times and have deeper issues.
I have been brooding and reeling for a while now. It hurts, not just because of MS, but of my overall situation in general. Also, because brooding and neglecting other parts of my life is the easy way out. My brain is lapping up the opportunity to just blame every one of my problems on this situation even though in reality they are separate disjointed things.
I keep forgetting that my restlessness, my inability to focus at the task at hand and my inability to finish what I start has always been there with me, my one true companion, the real issues that I need to constant deal with but I always neglect.
Amidst all the pathless walks that I keep undertaking to distract myself, 95% of my time is filled with negative thoughts and finding ways to blame myself and try to fit scenarios on how I could have behaved differently to get a better outcome.
But right now, for a change, I think I will force myself to think of the good things. The moments I shared, were beautiful, etched forever in my mind for the peace that I felt in them while knowing through every passing second that I might never feel like that again.
Driving for hours with her, the slight panic but putting up a brave face search for our hotel at 2 am, might just have been mundane moments, but with her by my side, it was a different and a new feeling for me. Having company is not a common occurrence for me, unlike going on driving trips, having undertaken multiple solo trips to places out of curiosity or boredom. This company was special for the simple fact that I liked her, but I also couldn't bring myself around to confess the same. My internal debate told me it would not be wise to mar the trip with this topic and hence decided to enjoy the trip without any added pressure or expectation.
I enjoy driving. I enjoy being on the road. This trip was a notch above though. The Chennai Pondi route was a road in exemplary state coupled with being pretty safe and scenic. To add to the mesmerizing beauty of the sea on one side and rolling green landscape on the other, the company inside the car had already taken my breath away. Not just by her sheer beauty, but also through how disarming she could be. She could just make me want to put down my barriers and want to talk to her. Tell her everything. Hold her tight. Fight against anything that might ail her. Become her safe space. But since I couldn't enunciate any of this, I settled for enjoying the road while stealing glimpses of her smile and her face, hoping to permanently tattoo it in my memory.
I woke up early, hoping to watch the waves crash as the sun rose from ostel the next morning, for we both could barely sleep even though we only reached the hotel at around 3 am. What was surprising was that she could not sleep a wink as well. It was only later that she confessed that thoughts about us were keeping her awake as well. She had the utterly tough job of walking away from what she thought was good for her. No, I am not trying to say I was good. NO. On the contrary, she deserved way better and I still think I was way below what she deserved. But what I meant that it is never easy to have the ability to think rationally in every situation and it takes nerves of steel to stand firm in every situation, which she did, gracefully at that. She could embrace being in the moment, while never letting the moment sway her. Well, shit, because even though I received the raw side of the deal because of this, this ability to hold steady and stay rational just elevated her in my books.
Another moment that just will stay with me forever was the experience of bunk beds, something that I have only seen in the movies. Ostel had pretty well maintained bunk beds and the experience was pretty awesome. Other than having to share it with strangers obviously.
The heartfelt discussion we had while lying in our bunk beds like kids was a moment of carefree bliss that I don't think anyone ever gets to share. Past, future, the good, bad, relevant, pointless, it didn't matter, because we were sharing a bit of ourselves with each other. The conversation had elevated beyond the point of discussion, and it was as close to old couples winding down after a long day of work than as one could get. I guess that was the point of it, from both our ends. We were subtly trying to judge each other on what it would be like when the exuberance fades away. When the veil has subsided, when there is no excitement to learn about a person, when it is just you and them, and when it is no longer new and exciting. This is where it starts to hurt. Sitting here, a few weeks post the event, I can't remember what we were discussing. Which is why it hurts. It didn't matter. I wasn't trying to stay in the conversation. I was just enjoying the conversation, without any need to pretend or sub-consciously trying to keep the flow going. We worked. The conversation clicked. There was no need for any dressing or extra effort on my end to make it work, a thing that I generally have to do with others. I don't know how it was for her on her end, but this is why it still hurts. I connected with another human. Maybe it is normal for people to connect with other humans and not lead to anything, but for an introverted socially awkward person like me, it is extremely difficult to reach this and be able to walk away like nothing happened.
Sitting on the attic and discussing start up ideas, her laughing at my lame jokes and then posing for a impromptu photoshoot. The smile on her face, the radiant glow...
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