It's getting pretty bad now

Lights out Alice!

I don't know if the 2016-2018 period was similar to this, mainly because I have very poor recollection of events and how they went down, but this is getting pretty bad now.

I am in a pretty bad headspace. 

• The D word seems to be the overarching theme 
• But Anxiety is the one that is calling the shots right now
• Anxiety is being heightened by the lack of a clear purpose post college,
• Add to that a job that I barely tolerate and is not at all satisfying
• The lack of clear guidelines on what I am supposed to do at my job, the uncertainty
• The fear of failing to do a good job, which ends up with me putting too much pressure on myself
• The lack of mental stimulation from any engaging topic to keep me occupied

All of this leads to a very dark hole which I seem to be crawling further and further into. Given how it is now winter, most of the time I feel like my head is about to burst, with heat being emanated from my head in a manner that is similar to a hot stove in a cold winter's morning. I am always overwhelmed, feeling like my head is about to burst.

I know that I cannot reach out to anyone about this and I can't tell my family about how bad it has gotten. I think I need help. But I am far too afraid. I am afraid to be a burden on anyone. I should be able to deal with all this change, this rejection, this loneliness, this pain of being away from everyone I held close as it is part of growing up. I cannot give in.

But it is getting harder Alice. Days are getting tougher, nights mostly overwhelming. I am bursting at the seams in my head and all the work that was done previously in putting in checks and measures that would keep my demons at bay have now failed. The demons are here and they have taken up accommodation in my head. The dominos may not be far from toppling. 

When you are in the thick of it, it is hard to see a way out. That is how I feel right now even though the rational part of me knows it will get better. It is pretty hard to see it that way right now. Harder even to get up to do basic chores. Harder still to implement good basic habits.

It is all falling apart. I am isolating. I feel lonely. I don't think I can talk to anyone about it even though it is exactly the advice I gave to everyone when they were facing their demons. My head is a mess. Anxiety is throwing imagined scenarios continuously and rational side of me is fighting hard to keep it at bay but is failing to do so. I am slipping. Correction, I have fallen, it has gotten bad.