First part: 1st Nov, 2023
Loyalty is what I believe in. Although it is an assumption because there hasn't been enough tests to validate it and hence every design seems nice till the load actually sets in.
I don't know her side, because I cannot text her, but is it that easy to get over someone you claim to like? I am here, wallowing in pain, withering slowly into the dark place, procrastinating on everything, slipping on work, forgetting my goals and just letting everything go to hell in a hand basket. What's worse is that as soon as it starts getting a bit better, my brain goes into overdrive, starts finding ways to re-read those old texts, look at those old photos and memories and find a way to hear her old voice messages again. My brain is not ready to let go and keeps finding ways to go back to missing her, hoping against hope that one day she will come back, even though the rational side of me knows that she is not coming back.
But I am tired. My brain is tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of trying to show people that I am worthy of someone, anyone's love and affection. I might be broken, might be weird, might be boring, but am I that bad and undeserving that I strike out with everyone?
On some days, I let my frustration boil over me. I let it grow and grow inside, the shit head of mine stewing bad thoughts till it boils over and I misplace my frustration on people that actually care about me and are part of my life. I should know better, but man, I keep making those silly mistakes. Today, I pushed a topic with my parents that I should have dropped. They hinted that I was pushing their buttons but somehow I wanted to force the issue. I don't know why but in that moment I made the decision that by bringing up a touchy issue I can best resolve it. There have been a gazillion previous instance where I have tried the same approach and never in any of those times has it worked. Yet, I don't seem to learn.
Why would it matter I ask myself when I think of writing. It is not like I am the only one with a story to tell. It is not like I am the only one who feels things or is going through something. It is not even the case where I am able to express the mundane in an alluring manner which is a sign of a good writer. Another characteristic of a great is their ability to convey a lot through very little. I am the opposite. I am verbose and go into multiple tangents and irrelevant details.
Continuing with the theme of going on tangents, how can so many songs exist? How can so many songs talking about heartbreak, conveying the artist's journey through one, their emotional turmoil, their upheaval, be so similar to appeal to the masses yet distinct enough that it hits differently and you want to listen to each of them?
Update: 7.11.23:
It has been a few days. A lot might have changed yet not a lot did for me. The same pain, the same routine. The world went through its motions, albeit with lack of emotion, in its daily humdrum, the chug and churn of a routine, which is in no city more exaggerated and evident than Mumbai. People wake up, get on a transport, be it a metro or a train or a bus, which is overcrowded and packed like sardines, in a road network or a rail network that is bursting at the seams, dressed in an attire that takes away what little character and soul they might have left to reach a job that is non engaging and dulls the brain through constant negative feedback from bosses on work not being done to their liking or in a manner that they have envisioned through their micromanagement. Although it is a city that houses most "stars" (bollywood) or "celebrities", all I see is a surprising dearth of originality. Everyone seems to be going to a corporate job or coming back from one, when a corporate job by definition is routine and non-original. However, I will also go on to contradict myself because I am a part of that system and hence limited in my world view, for I have never travelled the local trains when the humdrum and the office rush has ended. When the night owls and the to-be writers, dreamers and the lovestruck or love crushed people get on the train to be carried, some far away from their pain, some closer to their hopes and dreams.
I keep looking back, I keep revisiting the entire project stint when we worked together or the Pondi trip. I keep thinking that all along I knew it would end or I would be alone or that she would never reciprocate the feeling. I knew that it never ends well for me and the other person is not to blame because they would be taking a decision that is right for them as per their understanding. But is it wrong to want to be in love? To be hopelessly hopeful? To be eternally optimistic? I keep using the same point in my mental debates to justify this deviation from practicality: Life is going to be tough either which ways anyways, why not have someone you would be willing to go through hell for when you are going through it?
Don't worry Alice, I am an overthinker and hence at all points in time and at every turn I will question everything. I have questioned the fact that since I am still not over her yet, hence I might be looking at every equation through a rosy lens. I have even questioned the fact that since my ability to "fight through anything" has not been challenged yet, I have no solid ground to make claims about being able to see it through. I have a well documented history of starting most things with too much gusto and losing steam mid-way; can I afford to do that with another human being? No! I have even questioned the fact that is it the reality of me not making that long term connection with anyone which has led me to be so easily attached and hung up on MS? Since I have never been in a long term (or any term for that matter) relationship, I don't know what is the difference between desperation, actual love or wanting to not be lonely. To be fair, I don't have the answers to all of this. By default, I would assign myself to be at fault and desperation to be the cause, but deep down, I would really like to be wrong.
Grateful for your patient ear Alice!
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