Lights out Alice!
I look at the pattern and the words I have spoken each time I have gotten my heart broken and it makes me feel like a fraud. I repeat the same things, feel in similar ways and all I end up doing is begging them to stay. Is that bad? Is it my fault? Do I make it that suffocating?
I was looking back at the chats I had written to myself, which I generally do when I am deliberating what I need to write to a person, and it made me feel like I have a set pattern and behavioral traits. What scared me was how they all ended the same, with me begging them to give me a chance to show how I could be the right fit. This scares me because it begs the question whether I even know what I want out of a relationship or a partner or am I that desperate that I would go for anything, which would then turn out to be unsustainable in the long run or a bad situation for the other person because they might take it that they are not getting the treatment they deserve.
Going back to the SB days, I remember writing this after coming out of a long CAIML analytics weekend session. I remember being busy, enjoying drowning myself in work because it would give my overactive brain a useful outlet.
Smile, because you have made those same mistakes before.
Smile, at the pieces that lie broken on the crimson floor.
Smile, as they walk out through the broken door.
Smile, because you have seen it all before.
Smile, as it all ends and it goes back to the way it was before.
Smile, because nothing is ever going to be the same anymore.
Thank you Alice and my board of directors for being there for me!
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