It's funny how I keep looping in the past, not letting go of MS in my head and in the process unravelling myself and years of progress. Then I also remember that I am an ADHD-er. I was already walking a thin line of productivity and getting shit done, which is now broken.
My discipline, my ability to be productive, my focus and daily progress. All gone. Kaput. Starting from scratch is the only thing that is left. Frankly, it isn't a bad thing since this time I can work on building a better mental model, but given how I am and my track record, I will probably make elaborate plans but then end up slipping back to old habits leading to a poor execution.
Shit man, I am such a shitter...because I just dream of big things, make big plans but execute less than 1% of it. I am just another sweet talker, but the only person being fooled by this is me.
Further, I am still hurting. I am still not over her. I keep reminding myself that she was way above my league. She deserved better. She deserved anything that is not me. She told no and I am supposed to respect that and stay away. But God it hurts. It hurts like hell. It continues hurting non stop because my overthinking brain extrapolates all the previous experiences and makes it such that I am barely hanging on under the weight of all my issues, most of which stem from my head. The paralyzing part occurs because my brain is in hyperdrive and still longing for MS which means it doesn't stop hurting day or night.
Now, obviously I will question everything. Is this longing stemming from the fact that I am alone or was it real? Was there a real soul connection? Did it break me apart. Yes, but I don't trust myself anymore to be objective.
It just hurts Alice and I keep wanting to go back but I know she deserves better and hence I shouldn't!
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