A look back at the past: SB Edition; 29th Dec, 2022

Lights out Alice!

Given the recent turn of events with M.S and me reeling over the pain of another failed attempt, this time due to real life constraints (although I still believe they are parameters and not constraints), I was looking back at my notes to see when I have recorded my innumerable lines of thoughts that I have every passing second.

This is an excerpt from 29th Dec, 2022 when I was reeling over SB and it was probably my first steps in understanding how this works. With the benefit of hindsight, obviously there were a lot of things wrong with me and my understanding and especially not really knowing what I wanted out of this other than companionship. Fast forward to today and M.S, I can safely say that I have not really learned as much as I should have and committed made the same mistake of doing too much too soon and scaring the other person away. Although, this one gave it a much deeper thought and was more considerate. I would be stupid if I would compare and ever say one person was better or worse than another. It were different points in time, different people, different circumstances. SB never had anything. M.S did but knew her realities. MS was the bigger person. The only constant in these equations was me and to that effect, I should have grown and been more mature and not push the agenda more than once (I only pushed it twice), which I think I failed on.

Anyhoo, the thought note from 29th Dec:

Shit. There is no hope left I guess.

Sometimes it is not reciprocated and there is only that much you can do when someone does not feel the same way about you.

Can you really make anyone love you? Make them feel the same way about you the way you look at them? Make them see the same future that you see in your eyes when your eyes spot their smile. Yes, the real one and not the one that they plaster on their face for the world.

Shit, I really thought she would come round to my view point.

But that look that I saw in their eyes when they talked about the one they feel about left me with very little hope. I basically heard the same emotions that I had, just that she had those emotions for a third person, not me.

Damn dude. It hurts. Sucks because she was a great listener and people reader. But I guess my simplistic world view doesn't fit her requirements.

I wanna cry, but cannot. I wanna run away but cannot. I have to be strong. To be her friend of sorts because she needs one right now. Which hurts so bad.