Sit Rep: 22.10.23 edition

Lights out Alice!

I had the weekend free, which meant that I had too much time on my hands. I have been pretty vocal in my mental board meetings these past few weeks, nay months, about how I was not getting enough time to work on the things that I wanted to and hence attributed that to my increased restlessness and feeling lost and without a purpose in life. Turns out, it wasn't about the amount of time (actually I knew that deep down as well). It was just about DOING IT. 

I wasn't executing to the level I needed to. I was slipping because I was focusing more on the talk than the action. Action requires one to shut up and do, I was focused more on the PR than the actual work, the dirty, mucky, grinding hard work.

I have forgotten how to just sit and concentrate for any duration. One might think that implies several hours or so. NO. It is so bad that I can't even concentrate for 15 minutes. I always had poor ability to sit and focus. Even on my best days, I could barely do 30 minutes in one sitting and only on rare occasions could I touch 1 hour. 

I get stuck in a rut. A rut of wanting to execute so badly that I put off other things, but I am also too restless to actually sit down and do the work because of the habit that has been built on procrastination. All this does is achieve absolutely nothing all day, not even resting properly or working one bit. To top it all off, my headspace goes to shit as well. 

Additional factors that seem to be contributing to increased restlessness and procrastination:

• M.S and how the overall effect of that beyond her is playing in my head.
• Being alone in a new city and more importantly being away from home during Durga Puja
• Having gotten used to slacking off for the past six months. My head has gotten used to talking about the work more than doing it and feels like just complaining is enough and not taking action to change anything about the situation.
• Increased procrastination because I have been getting by with little to no effort in the past six months
• SERIOUS LACK OF DIRECTION AND PURPOSE in life. Probably a case of post college blues. Life has changed from directed, focused, filled-to-the-brim-with-work to barely enough work, boredom, loneliness and no immediate goal. I don't have anything specific that I need to reach in the next two years...no major growth, just survival. I don't think that's the right approach and it is the surest way to decay, but right now I have lost my path and purpose. 

I am not that motivated by traditional factors that most others would be, but that is an excuse because I haven't dived deep enough to figure out what I actually want out of life. Not just that, I am also procrastinating on figuring it out. In my head, I can procrastinate because I am thinking about it hence I can log it under making an effort, but since I am not actually sitting down and figuring it out, I don't have a goal to work on, I don't work on anything which means that I can officially slack off while thinking I am always slogging. I AM NOT. I haven't put in the right amount of work in a LONG TIME now.

I really need to get my shit together. I really need to start rebuilding, because I don't see it but I am below zero and have crossed over to the negative side. The fog of daily routine has taken over and I am not able to see how close to the precipice of the mountain of complacency I am.

Lights out Alice!

P.S: This blog was effectively me procrastinating against the actual work by first jotting down my headspace. Oh how deep the tumour of complacency and laziness has spread in me!