Was it that easy to let me go?

Lights out Alice!

Was it that easy to let me go?

That you never had to look back and go.

Oh what could have been if I would let this grow...

I am back with another monologue on how I am heartbroken, reeling in pain over another failed attempt. I know it is getting boring, redundant and downright pitiful, but hey, that's who I am I guess, the overfeeler and the overthinker. And you know what, I am okay with that tag. I am okay being the person who goes overboard, who does too much, who cares too much, who is available too much and who is straight in their expression. At least this way I am true to myself. Or at least that's the lie I tell myself.

I still fail to see how people bring worldly issues as dealbreakers, because issues are going to be there wherever I go and whatever I do and to me connecting on a deeper soul level is all that should ever matter. Alas, the other person didn't feel the same which I can respect, although it meant that even though there were two people who saw the world in each other's eyes, they had to say goodbye. 

I still remember the moment when I had gone to drop her off near the metro station for the last time in our project stint that we were working together on. Me, being my usual quiet self on the outside but filled with raging thoughts shouting at me and hurting deeply on the inside. I don't know why, but in these situations my emotions are veiled to the point I take all possible measures to ensure that the other person is not able to correctly gauge what I am feeling, at max they will be able to read that I am not in my normal state. To further ensure this, I walked a few steps ahead, because I could also justify it with normal people logic that the roads aren't wide enough for two people to walk side by side. Truth to be told, I just wanted to avoid seeing her face and reading her emotions, because I knew she was hurting as well and I didn't want to know how bad it was for her.

A segue, obviously, because I go off on tangents. I keep revisiting everything, because I am an overthinker, and I keep thinking how difficult it must have also been for her. On my end, it is actually a bit easier on one level and tougher on another. Easier, because she was way way beyond my level (have you looked at her smile!). Tougher, because it was the first time the other person reciprocated the feeling on some level (not enough, for them to want to stay though). To be fair, I do not have enough data on how she operates to understanding the magnitude of pain, but I can definitely understand if the book was closed before the pondi trip ensued and if she was still going through internal turmoil throughout the trip, how much of a mental struggle and battle she must have had to fight to stick to her guts and take the decision she felt would be right for her in the long term. I know she will never read this, but it must have taken a lot of strength to stand your ground and kudos to MS for that (not trying to imply anything about me, just to be clear!). What I am trying to say, is that it is not easy to stay rational in an emotionally charged situation.

Coming back to the original story of seeing her off for the last time.

When we reached the auto stand and after a few rejections by the auto driver, when the last one agreed to go to her destination, I could feel the emotions welling up for me, can't assume anything on her end. But when she got into the auto and it was about to drive off,  she looked back  and that was all the indication I needed to know that she felt it too. I could see the emotion in her eyes, those big dreamy eyes, eyes that have seen so much, eyes that long to be loved and just take care of everyone around her.  Her eyes told me that she was accepting that this would be the last time we would meet in an elaborate manner and they decided to capture everything possible in that moment. Her eyes saw that this was the closure of something she would have continued with had the circumstances been different (again, please don't think that I am trying to tell in any way I was it...I still believe she could and should do way better than a shitter like me). Her eyes, that were trying their very best from shouting any emotion, but I could hear their cry from far away.

I hate goodbyes simply because there have been too many. I grow attached too quickly, but I make very few friends and when they leave, it hurts for a while. Hence, as I grew up, I decided to create barriers that would only let select few in. While this might be a good strategy in the initial stages, if someone crosses those barriers and then leaves, it hurts quite a bit more and for quite a bit longer.

I stood there, watching her leave. Not just for home, but effectively from my life. Even though she had told she would reconsider US, I knew for a fact that she would be rational and not choose us. I knew this was the end. My mind was bleeding, shouting, writhing, reeling in pain and my body was preparing for the pain that was about to kick in. I kept my mask on the outside. I did not react. Normally, I would just be able to turn around and leave. Normally, I would be able to go numb and switch off my emotions. Normally, I would need a few days before it would hit me. But this time, I stood there watching. Watching as what could have been went away. Now for the umpteen time but the only one with the other person also having some feelings. 

I have probably seen the entire spectrum now. One sided and ended, one sided and exploited, one sided and other one hurting, one sided and no emotion on my end, both sided and still ended.

It ends. Oh how I would not have liked this one to...but it did and I hope she finds all the happiness she deserves in life, even though I may no longer be a part of it. It was true from my end, although I question this paradigm and I have not reached a suitable conclusion if the parameters I used to establish whether it was true or not on my end were objective enough.

I still miss her Alice, but it has been a month and now it hurts a little bit less than it used to. I keep wanting to text her, but a little less than I used to. I check pictures and memories that we shared, but less often than I used to. On some level, I knew that time would decrease the pain and to be fair, I don't I wanted it to. I believed that if I was still in pain, she would come back and it would all go back to the way it was again. I know it cannot and day by day my hopes keep lowering. However, there will always be a baseline hope, a level below which it will never go down, because it will be the day when it will no longer hurt that much, but I will keep a place for her, just in case if she ever returns.