Lights out Alice!
It goes without saying that I am far from perfect and actually pretty messed up. I used academics to get my mind of asking the bigger questions, because they would lead to answers I would not like to hear. While the past few days have been pretty awful in my head, I keep trying to center myself by reminding my volatile head of the basic principles that had gotten me through worse times in previous occasions.
Whenever I am around people and they talk of a specific attribute or a key skill of theirs or even highlight one of mine, I ask myself whether that is what I want to be know for. Whether it is the right metric for conveying my abilities. The answer that I get is that everything that I know can be done better, faster and to a better quality by another person. I just do not possess the innate talent that other do in any specific field. This realization had struck me very early on in school, which I was grateful for, because I was surrounded by innate talents that also worked really hard to get to the places they wanted to reach in life. Seeing these future leaders and visionaries of the world meant that I immediately knew where I stood, which was nowhere. However, bit of soul-searching later I did realize that while I could not reach the zeniths of my peers, I could mould myself to become better than I was through a bit of mindset change.
The key change that I had to bring was perseverance. I don't think I have fully inculcated it in my psyche as I regularly fall into the bad habit of procrastination, but I have seen first hand the magical results it can produce. The complimentary skill that was also required was discipline. Motivation is fickle but ensuring that once I commit to a path, I stood by it without getting distracted, especially given my ADHD symptoms would be the key differentiator in ensuring that I get things done.
In all, If I would actually develop the goals that I wanted to develop for myself one day, I would like to envision that my goal would be to reach a state where I can introduce myself as a person who is known for:
- Their ability to adapt : Any situation, any condition, any state
- To persevere
- To grind and be disciplined and committed to a path
- To ask the right questions
- Always being curious, looking for different angles and POVs
- To remain calm, especially in stressful situations when the environment is trying to provoke a reaction out of you
- What his goals are and what he wants out of life
- Never forgets that growth is the only way to survive
Unfortunately, I am nowhere close to being that person and my repeated failures and shortcomings and outbursts of anger on a daily basis are proof of the same. I am not sure if I am even growing in the right direction or if I am just compounding my misery by spilling over the sorry state of affairs in my mental space onto my real world close family and deteriorating both exponentially.
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