Lights out Alice!
I don't know why I am not mature enough to not bleed whenever I have to talk to that person that rejected me. To be fair, I would not even be mature enough to carry on talking to them. It is the maturity of that person that takes the effort to talk. I am still undecided if it is a good or a bad thing, because I keep rocking back and forth in emotions and hence am not healing properly, or maybe I am unable to pinpoint my feelings exactly.
Today, while in conversation, another person's name popped up who had made the same recommendation that I had, just a bit earlier. I could see immediately that my reaction was incorrect. Instead of focusing on the recommendation and being objective about it, my first bodily reaction was to be jealous. I know for a fact that this is not a healthy reaction, as regardless of the situation, we do not own anybody and cannot be the only source of news, information or advice. That is being possessive and that is enough to make anybody feel uncomfortable. Why should anybody give anybody else the power to lord over them especially when I know I wouldn't want anybody to have this control over me as well.
Why am I so petty that I get turned off from the conversation whenever somebody else's name is brought up?
Why am I so insecure in my abilities and my place in people's life that I have to continuously remind them of my existence or remind myself of my contribution because I think if I cannot repeatedly do something for people, I will become irrelevant and will lose them from my life? Why do I think that the only time people will want me around is when I can do something for them?
Why am I so worried all the time? About what exactly?
On one hand, I know FOR A FACT that there are a million people who are better than me in every respect and a billion more who would be better than me in each respective area. But why does my fragile EGO get hurt whenever someone reaches an answer faster or better than me?
Why do I have this underlying need to be the smartest or the most knowledgeable or the wittiest person in the room when I KNOW FOR A FACT that this exact thinking means that I will NEVER be like them, because the smart ones know when to keep quiet and would NEVER feel the need to measure or prove themselves. The really smart people will always be worried about their next growth area and how to improve themselves. The need to show off your knowledge by its nature proves that the knowledge shown is superficial and rooted in insecurity.
The real ones know, the fake ones show. The real ones know when to keep quiet and let the fake ones argue and fight it out on their own. The real ones don't mince words and the real ones don't get impatient. They are quiet, calm and sure of themselves to the point that they do not get dragged into other people's mess.
These last few months I have fallen from maintaining the basics of focusing on my work, being consistent and disciplined and working towards my goals. I got distracted into superficial actions wherein I was trying to please people and do things that would grab their attention. This meant that I was more focused on being right than finding out and learning the right things. Basically I slipped. The worst part is that I was negotiating with myself during this time thinking I could always catchup since I was cognitively aware that I was not doing the right now. Oh, how wrong I was. Discipline does not care about cognition. If you break the habit, you still have to do the work in getting back on the wagon, which is not easy.
It also begs the question, why was I trying so hard to impress a person? Why was I so willing to bend my morals and principals to get them to like me? Why was I so affected by their rejection? Isn't it normal for humans to not reciprocate or even be on the same wavelength and the reasons for the same can be as simple as being different people altogether to as complicated as timing and circumstance?
More importantly, how can I ensure that I do not repeat this mistake? How do I put guards in place to ensure that I never lose myself in the process? Who do I want to be? If I "adapt" myself to the circumstance, would I even like the person I would become? Is it okay to strive for a idealistic person and values in the real world and would the right set of people ever tell you to aim for something more "realistic"?
The biggest question in all of this remains in finding the right set of people to listen to and even in that, finding the right subset for that particular problem because not everyone would be objective in every situation. It is difficult to objectively identify people or facts or advice when we are ourselves not sure of the question we are trying to ask or answer we are seeking. Sometimes we dismiss answers because we do not want to accept that reality and hence find ways to reject it.
The mind is so complex Alice and most days I am not sure if I am making progress or just tumbling around in a washing machine like rinse pattern.
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