I am supposed to go on like this?

Lights out Alice!

Pretty peculiar situation this. I am currently going through a bad phase, wherein I am unable to let go of a person who has clearly stated wants nothing to do with me and has shown no signs of a change of heart. To add to my woes, I am currently between work, having recently concluded my masters and waiting before my job officially commences.

Upon deeper introspection, some of the things that person told was true. I even asked myself repeated times as to why I showed care or concern for that person when we were pretty different people (their words, not mine) with starkly different outlook towards life. Each time, for the life of me, I failed to come up with a rational answer and not wanting to settle for the L word answer,  settled for the superficial answer that it was what I felt in my bones aka gut feeling that we would be good together. In hindsight, this feels more of an answer that points towards the fact that all my life I have been lonely and does not allude to my inclination towards that person. The fact that I had been lonely till date also means that I am willing to compromise on more fronts than I should be doing, even though I did not feel that way. I always had that understanding that for two people to meet halfway or some close semblance of an understanding, there has to be some amount of compromise on each side.

Scolding myself:

WTH SHUBHAM? why are you forcing your agenda on others? Why are you so afraid of rejection if it is so normal, common and the most likely outcome?

Why would I put the blame for my lack of motivation or correct actions on the other person or the failure to get a positive outcome? This should not be an excuse to give myself the permission to slack off and become indisciplined and let go of good habits.

There is no good reason for me to let go of my long term goals, habits and skills that I need to build over the course of the next six months?

Why did I suddenly start believing that my growth is over? That this is all I will ever be? Just because my dad mentioned it once? Just because there are imposed "responsibilities"? I am pretty sure I did not shun away from responsibilities before, although I could fail and wasn't liable. I don't get the intrinsic implication in this world that we are not allowed to fail.