All I was was lonely

Lights out Alice!

I do spend inordinate amount of time dissecting why I felt the way I felt about that person. The questions that lead me to question my stance that it was true are the fact that I have never really had a relationship till date, whereas others have fallen in or out of it more than once by the time they are my age. Hence, I do not have any real data about how to classify my feelings, or whether it is a false positive born out of the desperation to not be alone. Knowing me, sometimes I very well feel that I could have convinced myself of the positive things that I used to see in that person and that I would have cloaked myself into believing things that might not have been there in the first place, the first sign that someone showed me any little affection, to believing that it was more than it actually was, ever.

I never stop questioning, whenever my mind wanders to the topic, whether I genuinely liked her or convinced myself of the same because I was lonely. But then I also question as to what other ways are there that can be called true ways of falling for someone as if it is prescribed and previously confirmed, what is to say that my mind isn't sub-consciously playing tricks on me to make me take that path to believe that answer?

But time after time, internal discussion after internal discussion, my mind keeps playing in a loop those genuine heartfelt moments that we shared, those long night talks, sitting by the fire escape staircase, just listening to her voice, her child-like manners in which she talked about her day and her worries and the ease with which we could just BE in that moment. What was magical about those moments wasn't that my worries would fade away, it was that I found courage to tackle them head-on. Whenever she was near, I found this extra boost of courage which raged a fire inside, a fire that could not be extinguished by any obstacle in the way, but just the never give in attitude that meant that I would not back down from anything, as long as she was there by my side.

I know how cheesy, corny and cringe I sound. I am mostly rational and never able to survive these cringe scenes, even on a screen. Yet, this time I knew I would. I wanted to try. I wanted to improve myself. I wanted to become a better person because of her. 

If this wasn't true, then Alice, I hope to wait for the day when I get to see data or feel it firsthand on what is considered true.

P.S: Don't get the impression that it was all rosy. Far from it, most of the time spend in the staircase was littered with me saying the wrong things and putting my foot in my mouth. But that was the beauty of it. I didn't care. If I was wrong, I would apologize. If I needed to be better, I would try to improve. There was this newfound zeal that drove me that I hadn't felt before/ or in a long time.