Feeling like shit

Lights out Alice!

Sorry for off-loading on you again. It just sucks that I am back in that negative space and everything seems futile and I just don't have any energy to work on my long terms goals at all. It just sucks that I knew this would happen and I thought I had prepared well for it and yet here I am, breaking at the seams.

What gets my goat is that for the outside world, I can hold it together, pretend, put a mask and act all jolly and okay. When I come back home or talk to my parents, I am a bum, a sore, a prick and all the other sad synonyms given to an ungrateful and rude child to their parents. I don't understand why I am unable to pretend and put on a mask with them or just behave better. They don't deserve to bear the brunt of the baggage that I am carrying needlessly. This actually enrages me further and makes me even more angry and easily ticked off at any slight deviation of the course of things from the rational norm. Given the fact that people are creatures of their own understanding and are rarely govern by logic for their actions, it takes all of 2 seconds for me to get back into the anger loop. 

I behave like an eye-sore, my parents call me out for my rudeness, I get further enraged on two fronts, first for them not understanding me or my situation. Then, the rational side of me argues that they could never understand, not because they don't want to, but because they don't know about it. The second dose of anger then kicks in, for behaving incorrectly and I am pissed off at myself for not keeping my behaviour in check. All of the above then leads me to conclude that it would be better if I isolate myself to keep things from getting worse. Which is also bad since walking off from any conversation is a bad look on me and lets people conclude that I am being pretty rude.

Writing this down made me chuckle and realize how easy it was for a small incorrect behaviour to spiral out of control to the point where I am just plain frothing with anger over the injustice of the situation while everyone around me concludes (incorrectly) that I have an anger issue.

I know I like living in mystery and concluding that "nobody really understands me", but I did not mean that I wanted to be misunderstood and in a downward spiral Alice!