Lights out Alice!
I have been trying to distill why I have been feeling so low lately and one of the reasons that keeps creeping up is the fact that I think I am pretty lonely in this world. I am closer to thirties than to twenties and having recently completed my masters, for the first time I looked up from my books to realize that I have never been in a relationship with humans. I always had the excuse of studies to ensure that I never had to step out of my comfort zone and interact with people. Too give myself further justification, I could always claim internal problems and also that one failed but mostly mythical and imagined relationship during high school.
The problem is that suddenly due to social pressure I feel like I have lost out on so much time and data, that I am woefully lacking in this field and that I need to rush to catch up. The pressure is so intense that it is giving me the feeling that I am drowning and hence need to start kicking and making waves to stay afloat. I purposely used this analogy, for the simple reason that I don't know how to swim in real life and for the deeper reason that If folklore is correct then the only thing needed when one feels like they are drowning is to not fight it and just work on keeping their head above ground. That is exactly what I need to do but I am failing at.
I am finding reasons to blame people on making me this anti-social of a person. I am blaming my parents for being too strict as the reason I never went out to meet new people. What I am forgetting is that it was all me. My choice. My reasoning where I chose to sit in my high horse and never be bothered with people as I thought I was too cool for it. I thought I could just rock up one day and make it work. Oh how stupid.
The shitty part is that it is not too late or even if it is, it is fine since not everything in life is supposed to go my way. It's okay. I keep telling myself this, yet every fifteen minutes I go back into the loop again.
I am seriously slipping Alice!
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