Is it okay to feel this way?

Lights out Alice!

I don't think I am okay. I am closer to combustion than ever before. I am discourteous with my replies, snarky when talking to people, hurting inside and hurting a bit more seeing that I am disintegrating my relationship with my parents, something that I try the hardest to maintain and is working the fastest to break at its seams.

The resentment that is festering inside of me following the recent events and the shitty mindset means I am lashing out at them, something that ends up hurting them and pushing me into a deeper state of shit since I regret even opening my mouth. I end up withdrawing further, pushing them away and when they try to reach out, I lash out and end up causing more pain. I don't know how to break this cycle but I can guarantee I am in a downward spiral.

What is infuriating me is that I saw this coming, I knew it would happen and thought I could handle it but I am not. I thought I was better than this but as it turns out, I am not. I am being too self subsumed to even think about the impact my actions are causing to my parents.

I hate the state I am in and I don't think I am responding to the situation as well as I should. Fairly poorly actually. But then again, isn't it okay to take the time off from the world if it means I can not make a situation worse than it already is?

In the end all this is is me lashing out at others because I believe I will end up alone because I spent far too long inside my books and in my comfort zone and now I think it is okay to blame my parents and circumstance on how I turned out. Yes, I know what I am writing and I know it is entirely unreasonable. What gets my goat is that even though I know this, my body is not ready to accept this. I should not get angered this easily, but I am irritated all the time. I have a shorter leash, a shorter fuse and rude behaviour. My parents are being accommodating by giving me space but I know it won't last. I will get labelled as an easily angered person once again, which will again just end up adding to my fury.

What a shitty loop to be in, all born out of my imagination and my inability to control my emotions and keep my needless rage in check.

Lights out Alice!