Lights out Alice!
Still in somewhat of a torrid mind-space. What I have figured is that I have found out enough things to do, but am procrastinating on creating a schedule to do them, because then it will be set in stone and then the guilt will shift. Currently, am just wasting away time and the fact that I am doing very little productive activities and just wiling away my time binging shows on Netflix that contribute absolutely nothing to my life adds to the frustration. I end every day being more angry at myself for procrastinating and wasting away my time, even though I know I am wasting a golden opportunity to upskill myself and ensure that I am not going backwards in life.
What is funny is that at every step of the way and every moment I know that I am procrastinating and that the choices that I am making are wrong and just wasting my time, which will end up contributing further to my bad head space to make it even worse. Yet, I can't stop. Or I choose not to. I choose to be mediocre in life. I choose to not work hard enough. I am currently choosing to fuss over trivialities and materialistic and societal issues that don't really matter. Yet, I have strayed off so far from my principles and core values that I end up not even utilizing 5% of my time for the past two weeks to do anything remotely useful.
It shames and pains me to see myself having fallen so far. I thought I had gotten better and made progress in overcoming my procrastination. But life just reminded me that discipline was always the key and because I stopped working on it thinking I had full control, I am now being reminded how little control I ever had to begin with.
Sucks that the choices that I am making for myself right now would mean that I will never amount to anything in life Alice!
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