It's now a ritual of sorts

Lights out Alice!

What a ritual to develop. A longing that becomes a habit. I know Alice that you are terribly bored of my ongoing incessant laments about how she was someone I did not deserve and I am sorry that she had to go. But, this longing does not seem to go. What is worse, now the mind also muses if the longing was all but born out of the need to not be alone. I am old, closer to thirties than twenties and till date, never connected with another human being on that level. I always had an excuse, more like I was always afraid of rejection and being called out for my general weirdness, and somehow, being different and not trying to find someone made me stand out and eventually, part of my personality and this faux image of myself that I had created that helped me being a shell without feeling emotions which meant I was quickly in a safe zone devoid of all the bad things that come with human attachment, aka emotions, but also meant that I never had a sense of belonging. I was always pretty much alone. Friends, if any, were only there as a means to get something done and rarely, if ever, took the time to get to know the real me. This was made worse because the outward social image of being a stoic personality who always hides his emotions and is not really a human put me in a box that I was too proud to get out of. 

The sad part is that I know that she would have moved on, most sane people would. But what I realized is that I like sulking and brooding too much and get attached and feel too much on the inside to recover quickly. Hell, the last not-really-a-relationship (just one sided) took me more than a few years to actually recover from. I was always of the belief that these things will magically happen if you wait long enough. Now, I am old, and surprise surprise, nothing has happened. Obviously, if you don't put in the work to meet enough people, you would not have met enough people to find any to tolerate you. Now, traditionally these things would not have bothered me, but the time spent with her made me realize that I was missing out on real connection with another human. It is not like that hole was never there before. But just like a stain on your everyday shirt that you get used to and forget about, over time, you just get used to the hole and forget about the void in your life. You cannot really miss something that you never had in your life or not have had it for a long time.