Lights out Alice! Thank you for being patient with me and I am sorry that I am still wallowing in pain and droning about the same topic. I am sure I am not the first person to go through this and others have definitely have had it worse and suffered for far longer, but I am doing my best to process it the way I know how. Again, I do realize there are people in this world who have REAL problems, REAL pain and REAL heartbreak. I am privileged and entitled, no doubt. But given these realities, I still have to live my life and keep marching on in the way I know how to.
The next few paragraphs are the emotions that I jotted down late night yesterday:
I am in mental pain all the time. Eyes welled up, close to tears but never sad enough to cry. Just in pain. This pain gets worse because she was sensible enough and she didn't feel the same way about me which means I have no reason to be angry, but I am.
It just f***ing sucks that I get to lose her. That she didn't see it the same way that I did. That's not on her and again, I don't have any resentment or anger over the outcome or the verdict, just the fact that I lost a gem. I know that she was it, she was definitely out of my league as per my ranking index and the way she handled an inconsiderate and clingy person like me went on to reinforce my initial judgement of her.
The next thing is, I don't disagree with her second assessment of the fact that I should not be hurting this much. I have no right to. She was kind enough to give me time when others would have shooed me away, kind enough to handle my idiosyncrasies, which, believe me there are a lot of and still consider me in a comprehensive and objective manner, which is more than most have ever done for me. To that I will forever be grateful.
She did teach me a lot about life and love, an area where I sorely lacked any kind of real world experience. What is even more superhuman was that she did all this while trying to heal from her past, something that left a deep scar and would need a long time to recover from. I can't even begin to fathom the strength that one needs to be so mature and objective in their world view to care for others, even when they are bleeding.
I really lost a gem of a person Alice and damn, she was a rockstar in her own right!
Thank you for the memories...you will forever be held dear!
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