Lights out Alice!
As I sit here writing this, things around me are going to hell and provoking me to lose my calm, a reaction which will only make things worse and the situation out of hand. What really gets my goat is that I used to be better than this. I was able to be more patient, less impulsive and could see through situations better and control my reactions for the greater good.
It seems that the eight months spent in a responsibility-less delusion, aka hostel, made me think that just acting out of impulse without caring about the impact of our actions is the right way to go about life since everyone needs to be told about the truth of their actions immediately and exactly when their nerves are heightened. See, I couldn't even finish the sentence without realising the stupidity of such a response.
Side segue: Yet, in the fog of chasing someone, I forgot my basic principles and abandoned my values. I expected something for my effort and put the burden on the other person, even though they had clarified outright that they could not and would not reciprocate at that level. When pouring in the effort, I had clarified that I would hold no grudges, make no demands and walk straight out. But when push came to shove and the time came to walk away, I did put unreasonable expectations on the other side. I was wrong.
The other person pointed also pointed out a critical flaw in my world view, I have lived a life wherein I will not take any help from any person as a form of stroking of my own ego I guess. A by-product of this rule is that whenever someone shows even a small amount of gratitude, I overthink and extrapolate and make a mountain out of a molehill. A good friend texted about a casual chit-chat dinner tomorrow and suddenly I spiralled out of control making deductions, assumptions, implications, clarifications and in general stress and anxiety of meeting people and their expectations, my reactions and contemplating and planning for different scenarios, all of which immediately wore me down.
It's all in my head and I am the one that is making it all up and making the wrong analysis.
Coming back to my present situation: How dare I dream of something normal, although normal doesn't really exist in real life? Every situation has its peculiarities, every household their quarrels, but the repetitiveness and the never ending drudgery of my situation (although again I think it is me putting my problems on a pedestal) makes me think that dad was right...I should accept that this is all I will ever be and just give up. That I should make my peace that I cannot change anything and this situation, my life right now, the condition that I am in, the mistakes I have made with people around me is now what it will forever remain and that I should make my peace with it.
Somehow, or maybe because I am looking at it in retrospect, rebelling against the above and not giving up was easier. There was an easy path to rebel, just go for higher education in a good institute. It didn't really contribute anything towards getting me closer to the real goals I have for myself, but it did give the society and the people around me a false impression that I was moving ahead. To be honest, if anything, I have moved back from my goals. My desire has faded, second thoughts have flooded me and the reality of responsibility has overwhelmed me.
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