But there is one thing...

Lights out Alice!

Time really clarifies a lot of things and even though currently not a lot of time has passed and the wound is still raw and developing, one of the points of clarity that I have found is that I am allowed to feel what I am feeling, however deep I am feeling, for however long I am feeling.

Most of the conversation over the last two days of the "breakup" was around how I was supposed to see this coming and how the knell was already ringing and it was in the cards anyways. What was stupid about this is that I was being forced to believe that I am supposed to get over it in a certain time frame and in a certain manner and I was only supposed to feel a certain amount and not supposed to go beyond that, be it  in doing anything, be it in being happy about this "nothing of a relationship" when it was going on or even the amount of effort or care I put in during those "two months".

When I really sat down to think about it, it did strike me, why would anyone "control" (sorry if it is a harsh word) the amount I am supposed to feel? Why would they dictate how I am supposed to get over it? Why would they dictate how long I take to get over it? 

Just so that they don't have that "guilt" in their consciousness, they were forcing me to accept their equation and understanding as universal? Their version as the only right way? Their experience as the law set in stone?

I get that they have a lot more experience in this field than I have, but does that mean that they get to dictate what I am supposed to think and how I am supposed to feel just so that they do not have anything weighing on your conscience or feel bad about it?

Self help videos may sound like a cliche and a farce, especially on Youtube, but given that I was hurting, I clicked on one anyways. By stroke of luck or through the fact that our brain processes information that is relevant to our situation faster, there was a point in the video that struck a chord and clarified a lot of things for me.

Video: The "no-contact rule" by Matthew Hussey : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKj2E6Besnc

The key point that he was trying to explain is that the person who has broken-up or taken that decision keeps texting or calling back because they want to reassure themselves that they haven't lost anything and reduce the consequence of the decision. That they get to basically have it both ways. If we are also reciprocating, we are building false hopes or going back to the same lie. Hence, it is important to have "no-contact" for three weeks, to see things clearly and to understand where we stand, to FEEL the pain correctly so that we can even BEGIN to think about healing. (Obviously, this is a generalization that might not be applicable to everyone or to the same extent).

I hope I get better soon Alice!