IT STILL HURTS

Lights out Alice!

Am I just bad at this or is it supposed to hurt this much?

Am I unable to let go? Am I clingy? Am I afraid of being lonely again or it is just a manifestation of never having anyone till date/ being in a relationship? I am unable to understand why I am feeling this much pain over someone, someone who clearly told there is no future multiple times. Why do I still carry hope in my heart and check my phone every 5 minutes hoping to see a notification of a missed call from her which would be incentive enough for my head to justify running after her.

Every five minutes my mind rushes back to her. I try to drown out the thoughts by listening to music, which works to an extent, before the music or the lyrics strike a chord with heartbreak and then all the sound turns to is a wallowing representation of the aching in my heart. Every word, every beat, just shouts at me and reminds me of the pain. My head hurts, eyes are heavy, thoughts are overwhelming, I am always on the verge of tears and it is getting emotionally unbearable at times. Although the emotions come in waves, with their own ebb and flow, currently, even in their lowest point it is overwhelming. When the wave of emotions crashes in my being, I well up, lose interest in anything I would have been doing at that time and just get absorbed into that state and how I lost the one person I thought I could see having by my side forever. 

Yes, till recently, even admitting these feelings would be a cringe I would never do, since I did not believe in these words or even the notion that a thing called L word could exist. Even now, I don't throw around the word carelessly. I know specifically the place, the time and the situation that led me to tell the L word to her the first time around. When I did use it, I know how heavy it felt for me to admit it and the sadness that it was only reciprocated mildly and not to the same extent.

I don't know if I have the L word, or if my feelings will last forever or if it was ever true from my end or that I was just attracted more because there was an underlying assurance that it was a challenge in which I would fail at with 99.9% surety. Whatever it is, I am unable to decipher it, and won't know until a lot of time has passed whether it was a temporary thing or a permanent piece has been taken from me, something that will always ache (I could write a more superfluous prose on this, but refrained since I did not want to dilute the emotion behind it). I still seriously am head over heels over that person, enough to know that if I have an easy means of communicating with her, say whatsapp, I will end up using it and falling back into it all over again. If the other person has requested space and has told NO enough times, I care enough to step back and out of the ring, regardless of the hurt that I might cause in the short term (I am sorry for this) or how much it FREAKING HURTS me. I will always have hope, but I cannot force someone to be with me. AND THAT F'ING SUCKS.

IT HURTS Alice! That that person is no longer a part of my life...