Here's where I beg to differ

Lights out Alice!

No, I am not being childish, brutish, selfish, impudent or disrespectful. If anything, I am just being hopeful and a believer. I know for a fact that I will not cross the line that was drawn and that I am supposed to let her go as she did not feel the same way about me (it did not reach a level of significance for an extension of our 2 month evaluation). I will always respect her wishes and her happiness does take precedence for me.

But where I beg to differ is not having hope. As long as I don't impose my feelings on others, which I won't, what is wrong in hoping and still longing for her? Obviously, it should not be an obsession or anything that crosses lines or makes anybody uncomfortable. I am not stating that I will stalk or be a part of her life. On the contrary, slowly and surely, I will fade away. Conversations will become sparse and topics will become harder to come by.

But all it reminds me is of a time when we could spend hours (sometimes even 5-6) with each other, just talking and enjoying each other's company. I never understood how hours would go by and those hours would be such a happy time, just sitting and watching her and being present in the moment in her warmth and in her company. I could never describe it aptly, but in those moments, sitting and watching her, just being herself, with all her emotions and her actions, was enough for me. 

Those moments gave me a shot of bliss which was  immediately followed by a throbbing pain of sadness, because I knew deep down, that this moment was fleeting and all I had were those two months with you. I saw that you tried your best to show your affection while trying to heal from your past. I would always get absorbed in those tiny fingers, moving with vigorous intent when describing anything that interested you. That happy smile and chuckle, followed by casual flip of the hair, when you would let yourself be free, talk out your troubles and but the tensions and pressures that you carry along with you all the time aside and just for once, give yourself the permission to be free. Those moments when you came and sat by my side even though I was being unreasonable. Those moments when you slipped away from your friends to come and spend time with me, even though I made you sit in the most unhospitable of places, the fire exit. You didn't have to give me due consideration or process. You did not owe me anything. But you did.

You always came back. You always texted. You always apologized, even when you weren't really wrong. You always cared. I could never have asked for anything more. The amount of love and care that you showed, even when you were hurting and healing, is something that I will forever be grateful for and which is why it hurts so much so see you go. It would be an honour to have somebody so caring in my life but I know you are meant for bigger things and I might not be the right one for you.

Again, I did really fall for her and gave it my best shot ( I could always do better and could have listened to her better) and I would never force anything from her. Sorry that I overstepped a few times and set unreasonable expectations. I realize my mistake and I did fall short on that front.

I still get periods of shocking pain and emotional deluge thinking about her, which occurs a few times a day. Whenever this happens, I go back to these memories and think of how, in such a short time, we had so many memories together. So much fun, so much time spent together, the ups and the downs, the joy of watching you eat good food and my inability to do small things right. I try, to bring in the bad parts into my evaluation in equal weightage and discount if I am overcounting the good stuff, but in the end, I still think it would be an honour. I was lucky. I did nothing to deserve such happiness and hence can do nothing about it being taken away from me. 

I am sad that you are now gone. But I am grateful and lucky for the time we shared. I will always hope for a tomorrow together. Thank you and I am still deeply and madly in L with you. Which is scary Alice! But I am okay with this scared and overwhelming feeling because after all the calculations and analysis, she is so damn worth it!