Isn't the key to always want to keep growing?

Lights out Alice!

The past few days have been one where I have had a lot of thoughts go through my head at crazy speeds but crucially it was also the fact that I am procrastinating on understanding what my medium term future will look like and how I should go about things. Again, I am not saying that it will work out the way I will envision it, but understanding what some of my options are helps me cope with my anxiety and calms me down a bit.

If you could go back and change something, what would you change?

Myself.

I would laugh a bit more.
Be kinder to people.
Be there more often for the people that cared for me.
Be less grumpy at my parents and show them even 1% of the patience that they show to me even though I have done nothing in life to deserve it.
Remind myself more often that it was all in my head, the good, the bad, the happy and the sad.
It was all in my head, my interpretation and my insecurities.

And in the end, when all is said and done, it's alright. It's my opportunity that I lost. It's my immaturity that limited me. But it's now my tomorrow to improve and grow upon.

I should have been better.
I should have known better.
I should have stopped sooner.
I should have forgiven faster.
I should have held on lesser.
I should have tried harder.

I always think about doing something for the greater good, but in the end, it remains just that, a thought in my head. I get really pissed off at myself that all these years of education, all the institutions singing the same song of a sense of duty and in the end, all we really care about is lining up our own pockets and our own salaries and how insignificant we are to even try to make a dent in this world.

To that, I scoff. I snark at it because it is a sorry excuse to justify lazy and insolent behaviour towards the society. Everyone can make a difference, the real difference between the doers and the moaners is that one set chooses to go out there and do it while the other set keeps waiting for the perfect alignment of stars, but not just any alignment, an alignment so designed that it could never happen, conveniently and connivingly enough so that they can blame circumstance instead of themselves. I am guilty of the same behaviour and I really hope that if I can be cognizant enough to call out this behaviour, something that doesn't take more than 1% effort, I can also start working towards the 99% of the rest of it.

I am nothing but a waste of space Alice!