I guess I am the problem...

Lights out Alice! 

Why does it bother me so much? Why do incorrect implications and mean words from people I care about get my goat so much? Why do I get the urge to correct them, the anger boiling in me to stop them from spewing incorrect nonsense when they are angry? Why can I just not shut up and stay quiet and let people tell whatever the hell they want, regardless of the correct or the incorrect nature of their statements, regardless of the consequence of their words. Why do I feel the need to step in and set the record straight all the time even though I know that 99% of the time, interjecting someone who is lashing out will only lead to heightened rage, worse outcomes and strained relationships.

The problem is not that I don’t understand that I need to keep quiet, it’s the fact that this strains me, fills me with rage, that I bottle and then it gets pent up and comes out at the worst moment. A slip of emotions at a moment that just makes the entire situation exponentially worse, at the precipice of strained emotions, a spark that ignites the entire forest. Everything just goes to hell from there.

Another person had previously mentioned that whatever I was dealing with was nothing relative to the real pain other people were facing and I was even less impacted since it was not directly happening to me. At that time, since I had been away from the situation for over half a year, I had forgotten how toxic it could be and how painful it was.

Coming back home to this situation and seeing how I have become worse at controlling my emotions and situation has more likely worsened, I think it is still bad. Or maybe I am just bad at controlling my emotions and any other person would be able to handle it better. It is just that when the situation escalates around me, the rage and anger boils over and just puts me under a lot of stress trying to keep myself in check. I know that if I keep quiet and let it slide, it will all be over soon, but incorrect and wrong things said, even in the heat of the moment is something I cannot stand and my rage boils over.

It's just sad Alice that I was much better at controlling myself and now I need to start again from scratch because my current behaviour is just not acceptable.