It's hitting me now

Lights out Alice!

The shit thing about still being in touch with the person that rejected you is that my shitty brain creates optimistic scenarios and false hopes that there might be a chance that we will get back together and somehow it will all work out. This means that I am drawn back into hope and all the hard work of getting over that person is negated. 

The first 48 hours of withdrawal from a person or substance is usually when the head is really going through a drudgery of bad thoughts, negative spirals and cravings (to text back or try one more drag) after which the pain of withdrawal reduces. The shitty thing that is happening with me is that I am stuck in the middle where I don't know whether to hold on or let go. Letting go is never easy and for an overthinker like me, it is a more painful and time consuming process. To add to this, after I have made some progress and gone through withdrawal pangs for 48 hours, I get a text that gives me a microscopic amount of hope that my overthinking brain enlarges into a level of significance that draws me back into hope. The cycle has repeated itself so many times now that I am mentally drained and tired. Yes, life is never black and white, but the emotional yo-yo'ing that has been going on has now become too much for me. I am exhausted. I actually wanted that person to be in my life, actually seriously, but then I can understand if the same level of reciprocation was not there. But then my SOP is to cut off and create distance to give me a chance to heal. I cannot keep picking on my scabs and then expect the wound to heal.

I would NEVER want to let go, but rationally I would NEVER force anything from anyone and hence will always let go of anyone that does not want to be with me. This tug of war is emotionally and mentally draining. The wave of emotions takes a toll. I am in a constant state of tiredness. I don't feel like talking to people and always want to just curl up and go to sleep. Procrastinating becomes the way of life. I keep pushing things back and even though I know everything is piling up and I am slipping in life, I feel like I do not have the life force in me to get up and do anything about it. It's like I physically and mentally do not have the strength to get up and get anything done. My head always hurts. There is no respite.

Hope it gets better soon Alice!